Courage, Darling

Feeling invisible, the desire to be seen and acknowledged for my contributions became overwhelming, Misery. It was not my hatred I was feeling, yet, it is my hatred, as I am One with all.

I was looking for comfort, for someone to see me and say hi. It reminded me of a story in the newspaper of a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, committing suicide. When the officials went to his home, they found a note that said "If just one person says hi or smiles at me on my way to the bridge, I will not jump." 

I felt this and asked why I NEEDED someone else to reveal that I am seen. If you do say hi, will I even accept it? It's not enough for you to tell me that you love me. IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH!!! I have to open up to the praise and gratitude in my own heart, to listen to that which is God speaking within me, otherwise I won't be able to hear a word that you say. 

Sometimes I am consumed by my shadow, Sunstone, RA, depression, apathy, hibernation, retreat, guttural rage, lethargy...

Light and love is good and all, but there is also MUCH LOVE IN DARKNESS. I willingly open up and accept the journey of the dark, over and over and over, in order to know the light.

Why do people assume that just because I am sad that there is a problem? I am no longer in a constant quest to feel happy all the time. Melancholy is a part of the human experience too, I've stopped pretending that it is not. 

Maybe I'm in the midst of feeling your pain as well, the collective as my own, or the sadness of all the children and people being drugged up on medication and GMO'd food so they can be unfeeling production line slave zombies in society. Maybe I'm feeling the hunger of those that are completely malnourished in body, mind and spirit. Maybe I'm feeling the pressures of the force fed versions of what our bodies are supposed to look like in order to be perfect, in order to be loved. Maybe I'm feeling the RAPE of men, women, children, our Earth and souls, the lack of communication and the isolation from being a compassionate human being that keeps us in separation, competition and envy with our brothers and sisters. 

Yes, I cry a lot, there is so much love to feel in these sacred tears. So YES! Something is wrong, and something is right. If you cannot handle my tears, maybe it is because you are too afraid to look at your own tears, afraid of the unbearable pain that lurks in the shadows of what you hold on to in your own soul. Don't stop the tears from flowing! If you're on a plane, train, supermarket, playground, concert, sports game, homeless shelter, art class, school, party, with friends or all alone, let the tears go. 

Sometimes it takes courage, these beautiful tears not only cleanse your soul, but gives other people permission to feel safe to do the same for themselves. In witness and participation to this vulnerability there is much power. If you stop your tears, you are in fear of discovering what lies beneath the surface. If you try to help someone else stop their tears, sometimes you may think it is loving to  coddle or hug in an effort to make another "feel better", but this disguises your own fear and you take away their power to be authentic to their souls movement. If you allow someone else to stop your tears, you are afraid and are giving away your power instead of honoring your soul's true expression in the moment. 

We have all been on all sides of this at one point of our lives or another. The callousness that builds within us creates layers and layers of armor surrounding the heart, waiting to be broken through - maybe later. The cold hardened steel of your heart will become virtually impenetrable and completely isolated if you let it. The good news is there is always a crack, the crack in the dam that will allow a little bit of water to escape, eventually weakening the walls around the crack, exploding the dam open with the raging gush of flowing water. Every heart is capable and strong enough of feeling through the surrender, breaking, dying and being reinvigorated with the breath of new life, of human compassion because self love has been allowed in. 

Not to say cry as a victim with alligator tears and PRETEND you are feeling when you're just looking for attention. No, the path of sacred tears births maturity, responsibility, desire for the truth, humility to look at yourself honestly, your longing to be authentic, and the courage to actually take action. 

Find support, you may have to look outside your current circle of friends, but there are people who can help without judgment, who can hold space and teach you how to be self responsible. Who will be brutally honest because they hold themselves and you in love. Who can be gentle and ruthlessly compassionate. When we learn how to do this for ourselves, then we can do it for others... and what a remarkable way to see the world through these new eyes of the open heart and soul! 

It's ALWAYS the law of the mirror. Every single time. Yup, even then. This is Divine Selfishness, to recognize that it is all you. You are creating all of this. Your whole life revolves around the illusions and reality YOU have created. No one else. You. Time to be Divinely Selfish. If you tell a truth to someone, know it is your truth. Not that you shouldn't say it, because you might just find out a lot about who you really are by opening your mouth with others, but instead of blaming another, taking responsibility for where you are at in the perfectness of any moment. The only time it is not the law of the mirror, is when you have already been through it and can recognize it in you. But it's still the law of the mirror then, isn't it? Because it is you. Maybe it doesn't affect you like it once did because you have embraced the truth of the reflection into your very soul. 

Know yourself to know others. There is much freedom here. 

The only way through grief is to grieve. When I grieve, my prayer is “Please God, help me to feel it all”. It is not “Please God, make it go away”. Then in this space, Divine Love can enter and forgiveness is truly embraced. We don't need to be stuck for days, weeks, months or years grieving the same wound anymore, in the true depth of it all, we can learn to move through in hours, minutes, seconds, then in the moment of each breath.

Namaste,
Gaia El

Dane Cook on Crying ~ Supper Funny

However, the amazing creativity and expressions that come from vulnerability... a poem expressing what it feels like in the dark cavern of my soul... like Elton John sings, "Sad songs say so much"

I hate this fucking town
Driving me batshit mad
It's all fucking fucked
And I'm feeling so sad
There's no rest for the weary
Not a place for escape
Wrapped up pretty
To hide the dark and dreary
Shadows encapsulate the light
And light surrounds the dark
In a wicked dance back and forth
Vying, competing, fighting
For your soul
The wretched hand
Plunges into my soul
Twisting, turning, pulling
Everything our of control
Harpooned into numbness
Gasping for breath
Aching for attention
To be seen, really really seen
Heard and understood
The perfectness of barren land
Empties the scorned, detached heart
Solid in its numbness
Brilliant in its mask
Escaping from reality
Into the illusion
Playing the ego's victim
Fully to its extent
Misery seeks out company
Even now, naked
There is skin to hide behind
Melancholy sinks in and grabs hold
Extinguishing the spark of life
Lured in to the damp pit of darkness
Bathing in its cold shoulder
Melting into the heaviness of quick sand
Unable to move
Dumbfounded by hatred
Shut out from trust
Broken down to sit and rust
Burned by the taking
Greed, fear, envy
Deception worn by a clown
Sabotage plays its own role
Disconnecting from everything
Back into separation

March 28, 2013