Kings, Queen's and Frog Farmer's

This year has been pretty rough on many levels for me, especially when it comes to relationships where I prefer to be quite introverted. I like to do my work quietly and behind the scenes, knowing that bold appreciation and building a following is not really who I am. My fear is that I'll have to engage everyone, then I won't have any time for myself, in the quiet solitude I've grown so fond of, because I've given all my time to others. 

The hammers have been out in brute force, and I see all the happy Facebook people with snippets of their marvelous lives and wonder, "I have done and am continually doing my work, where has my joy gone? Why am I more miserable this year? Why am I so happy working my passion in bodywork, child caring and introspective healing, then grumpy when I'm not working?" I've survived by giving all of who I am over and over and over, but the pleasure is still temporary. My relationship with my children is better than ever, as I have embraced child whispering and fully accept them for the people they are without trying to control them into little mini-me's. I married a beautiful man who I love and hate seemingly at the same time. I know all you new-agers will say "You can either love or hate, but not both at the same time." I've experienced it this way, and I understand what is being referred to when you say this, but for me, it's applicable. The hate really stems from places in me where I still berate myself for not being the perfect person. I can tell what Truth is, I can express the holistic rage storming through me, and love the rage at the same time. It feels really good to not cover up any emotional expression. 

In and out of the roller coaster I have danced this year, believing lasting joy should be my default. But no, life would play out a different way this time. It might seem odd to interject that even though a great deal of suffering and upheaval have played out, I actually feel quite peaceful in a lot of ways. Not very many things upset me, and the flow of life is quite magical. Sounds like my life is an oxymoron, but it's true. 

I struggled to find the answer to what I'm feeling, and the start of a new realization happened one day a few weeks ago . A FB friend A.L. publicly confessed how he was feeling. His life consists of helping people to discover their authenticity, and yet he was still feeling his own sinking depression, not knowing why. I felt so close to him in this moment, even though we've never met face to face. I was feeling the same thing. Among the hundreds of replies, one of his friends suggested that the onset of this hard time was because he was finally strong enough to hold Depression in the space and Love that it truly deserved to be heard, felt and embraced.

Silence ----- Hmmmm---- Slap of realization in my face. 

THIS WAS THE ANSWER! I knew it to be true. All the ups and downs of this year, of my grandfather passing and the patriarchal paradigm of our family letting loose and dissolving was finally being set free. I was finally in a space to hold all of this, though it's taken a toll on my physical health, all the magic is slowly and tenaciously sorting itself out and we're shifting through it with arms-wide-open embrace and meeting it head on, not by ignoring it and trying to transmute the lessons before it is time. 

As all of this was sinking in, I found myself pondering the aggression I have toward my husband. Our relationship started only three and a half years ago, but already feels like a lifetime. He has been on the receiving end of my suppressed anger toward the masculine. I thought that I was already over that, but reality shows me that I've been carrying a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness toward him. Sure, he has his part to play as well, but I can do what I can about myself only, and see what happens between us. 

Much to my dismay, the message came through quite LOUD and CLEAR that "What if your husband is already enough? What if you are going through this next Hell time in your life because he IS strong enough to hold the foundational space for this. What if he's already being a King and you just cannot or refuse to see it?" OH MY! Every ounce of aggression and fiercely independent woman of my bones and body cried out in painful agony that this cannot be true. "NO WAY" I shouted in the car as I was driving alone. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Why? Because this takes away from my control. This shows me that I am not isolated and alone which I prefer as an introvert, but not as a wound. This shows me that I am not being humble, or loving. This shows me so many contradictions of how I was raised to be independent, think for myself, to be self-reliant. Sure, I believe I've already shifted to God-reliance, how else could this belief hit me in my face on my own? Oh no, I ask, I pray for the truth all the time. And I am gratefully rewarded with it, even if it does piss me off first. 

Gloria Steinem

Brian Klemmer, founder of Klemmer and Associates would tend to say
"The truth is often harsh, but always fair."

So I've been really sitting with this, and though I find I have massive tendrils of resistance and resentment, I know that (through the grace of God) I will eventually soften these threads that keep me in misery so that I can live in a more loving partnership - however much that scares me, no more in a co-dependent wound-ship (a term one of my closest soul sister's and I coined as we realized in Truth how our friendship really showed up with each other.)

In my quest to soften, of course certain superficial things still trigger me, and I watch myself react or respond. My hormonal imbalance helps to really elevate aggression, and I have to understand regret, rather than self-bashing or berate myself all the time. I spoke of these feelings with my darling soul sister, of how I didn't feel I was being respected for my contributions in our marriage, and I could find countless other women and men to agree with me, justifying that my way was right... but that wasn't solving any problems, it was only creating more resentment and man-bashing. I couldn't hear what my husband was really saying, heck, I couldn't even see him as a man. I saw him as a "Misbehaving, hairy woman" as The Queen's Code would suggest. 

I believe in this information so much, I have no problems promoting it. Please use my affiliate ID# 1185351 if you choose to order. Mahalo, Gaia

The Queen's Code showed up at (of course) the perfect time. I was ready beyond any shadow of a doubt to shift my beliefs as I really don't care to condone this behavior. I saw how I was teaching my daughter to be mean to men, to tease them and take them for being dumber then women. She doesn't know how much I really do love my husband underneath all the veils, because on the surface I've been showing up in a way that breeds more disdain. So I dove in, full on. I normally cannot stand to read ebooks - the blue light hurts my eyes and gives me headaches, but after I read the first chapter of The Queen's Code, I knew I couldn't wait for a printed copy. I had to download it and start reading right away. In just a few days, the 8 short chapters had been read, digested, I'm still doing my homework with it, took notes, and really faced where and how I am showing up regarding my relationship with men... realizing I did the same thing with my ex-husband as well! 

A lifetime of learning that as a woman I must be strong, independent and self -sufficient has me emasculating men, thinking I can do better as a man and a woman. My dad always made sure we girls could think for ourselves, but in an all or nothing approach to life, and without this education, I perhaps took it too far. I was wrong and I value our relationships. I'm sorry. 

So here I am, realizing that I have been "Frog Farming" turning Princes and would be Kings back into frogs by not really seeing or fully knowing how to speak the language of men. You can bet that there is still resistance in me, I can see it and feel it rear it's gigantic head in many areas of my life. But I can also be sure that my Holy Desire to change and realize the truth of the Love I really am holds much more weight then feeling small, weak and unworthy. There's no doubt in my mind or heart that my paradigm is already shifting, and will continue to do so until I heal, feel and fully embrace my true feminine again. 

I believe in this information so much, I have no problems promoting it. Please use my affiliate ID# 1185351 if you choose to order. Mahalo, Gaia

Which has me questioning the role of Disney movies. For a long time, the Heroic Man would always save the princess, and she would be indebted to him forever. Now, we're seeing a trend of the woman standing up and proclaiming "I can do it myself!" How are we supposed to work in partnership with each other if we're always competing and unwilling to accept the magical roles and ways we can enhance each other's lives, rather than castrate, emasculate, shame and defame one another?

Finally for now, I can see how I have to keep playing small if I am self-reliant. If I'm too proud, scared or unwilling to ask others for help, then I cannot play bigger, because I would need help to reach outside of my own little world. OUCH.

Rhodochrosite and Amber are two of The Liquid Crystals  that help with self love, empowerment, and re-discovering the Joy in life once more. 

Rhodochrosite

Amber

How do relationships show up for you? I would love your feedback, your story, your transformations... as learning from you enhances my experiences and life. I am ever grateful. 

As always, any way I can be in service with your transformations, please contact me at www.souljourneyswithgaia.com

Namaste

Gaia

Gifting without Expectations

A Short and Sweet example and a word about Gifting:

Here's a gift for you.

Thank You.

You're Welcome.

Now I own you because you owe me.

Fuck that! Here's your "gift" back.

So to be clear, anything that you feel to give to someone "should" be done so entirely without expectation. If you give someone something, and have any variety of strings attached, then it is not truly a gift, rather a tool to use as a manipulative weapon that you're setting yourself up to use when you fall back on a victim mentality at some point in the future. STOP IT, it feels awful all around.

When I happen to give to you, it is done because I truly want to, and I will NEVER expect anything in return, not even a Thank You. It is simply not necessary as I am giving to you in pure freedom, and your receipt of any gift without feeling obligated to reciprocate, is the gratitude I receive for me. BUT that's just me... everyone is different.

Simple.

Namaste

Gaia

www.souljourneyswithgaia.com

Let's talk about BREASTS...

I've been saying Fuck. A lot. I mean practically ALL the Fucking time... I've spent the past decade+ on an ever narrowing spiritual path, making self responsible choices and owning them. (Or not, then eventually being brow beaten with the lessons I must learn and owning my choices again.)

More recently, I have had such volcanic eruptions of irrational anger, irritability and full on rage. Where is this coming from? Why am I enjoying being such a bitch? My poor husband who triggers the HELL out of me, literally, is such a bittersweet blessing and gift. He has the capacity to piss me off to the point where I want to chop his head off and hand it to him on a burning stick, and also the ability to hold me close and let me in, where I actually authentically feel that our love is so deep, so supported, and we're growing in such leaps and bounds together that there is only more and more love where and when we are traveling together.

In the past few months, I have noticed that (along with the onset of turning 40) my breasts have continually developed into a more fibrous tissue structure, especially during my monthly ovulation time. They become super tender, where inflammation constricts nerves and produces pain ~ especially with caffeine (which happens to only be sourced in dark chocolate and tea for me as I don't drink coffee, alcohol, no drugs, no wheat, gluten, starch, grains, no dairy – except for my good ol' pal cheese – very little sugar including a reduction in fruits (fructose), unripened fruits (which are mostly starch before turning to fructose), raw and cold foods, as my digestive constitution prefers fire and warmth.

I went to see a Western doctor this year – which again is a very uncommon occurrence for me. I had a basic physical in 2006, and before that, the last time I was at a hospital (for a different reason than delivering flowers from my flower shop) was in 2003 when my daughter was born. I've always just believed myself to be healthy, and lived my lifestyle accordingly, whilst including meditation, chiropractic and massage to be a BIG part of my life. My compassionate, and very well intending doctor suggested that I get my questionable fibrous breast tissue checked out just in case any breast illness was present. Of course, this very suggestive statement sent my mind processing and most likely creating more of something out of nothing, as our minds tend to do... but I reckon I'd better know where I am on the map because then I can actually do something about it if there is something out of alignment, and not avoid or pretend there is nothing amiss if, in fact, there is.

So I went in to get an ultrasound and they had me scheduled for a mammogram. “NO WAY!!!” my internal voice shouted so loud I was sure the whole clinic could hear. My co-pay for this procedure at over $300 was not the only reason I didn't want to conform to the traditional mammogram screening standard. Seriously, any small or large amount of research shows that mammograms are only 60% effective at finding tumors, and those tumors are usually already at a minimum of 8-10 years into their growth cycle, drastically reducing survivability rate.

And why would I want to freely submit myself to toxic radiation year after year through mammography, when studies have proven that this type of exposure actually CREATES cancer more than detects it? Even Sweeden has recently banned mammography in 2014 due to it's ineffectiveness, with a 5 year phase-out process. Hooray for common sense – er, science!

Anyway, I let the receptionist know that I have done my homework and there was no way I would consent to a mammogram, and besides, I was there for an ultrasound anyway. Well I had no idea, that even though an ultrasound is less effective (only 50%) at detecting tumors within fibrous tissue, it cost more as well! I believe it was over or nearly $400 for my co-pay for this procedure.

Most of my life I've been a people pleaser, and did what I was told (well, up to my late 20's anyway – when the Un-Natural Rebel started to show up). On this day though, I really knew I had a choice, I was educated, and empowered with courage and enough self love, to know that if I go through with this, I was wasting my time, money, and not being true to what I really wanted, or what was best for me.

SO... I said “No thank you” to all of it in my own unique way and walked out, with my husband at my side supporting the choice I made either way. 

I decided if I was going to spend $300 +, I would invest in a technology that really works: Thermography. It's been around and in use for over three decades, and is traditionally 90%+ accurate on detecting early stage illness (in the breasts and throughout the body; tumors, and heat abnormalities caused by blood cells to colonize indicating illness) from very early onset. In fact, it is so accurate, the particular practitioner I went to see, Dr. Martin Stivers in Reno, NV has a 98% success rate in early detection and diagnosis. And if there are any questions, he will do everything in his power to help obtain the most accurate readings.

My experience with Thermal Imaging was so non-invasive (even though I was Super Duper emotional going into my appointment, just walking into the clinic had me burst into tears as I was processing through the fear of potentially having a terminal illness at the worst). He was able to explain to me and my husband exactly what he was doing, what was going on, and why thermography works the way it does. Even if I didn't have any background studies in Anatomy and Physiology, I reckon I would have been able to understand what he was explaining.

A lot of Western doctors have the scripted answer when asked about Thermographic Imaging that “There is no scientific proof that it works.” However, there have been over 800 peer reviews written and published, as well as over 360,000 individual case studies to support this technologies accuracy! How is that not something to take notice of? Anyone with any kind of tenacity to do research for themselves can Google better results than the bogus and scripted answer (some) doctors give... or are required to give...

In my session, I was treated with such care and compassion that I knew even if the results were devastating, I would have support in treating any health concern and be directed in ways that were in alignment with my beliefs without judgment, and hopefully without surgery or chemotherapy, which, by the way, Alan Nixon, Ph.D., Past president of The American Chemical Society states that “As a chemist trained to interpret data, it is incomprehensible to me that physicians can ignore the clear evidence that chemotherapy does much, much more harm than good.”

All my questions were answered, even the ones I didn't ask, that my husband had the foresight to ask. Women, take your partners along! Not only do they receive a great big dose of humility and greater understanding of what is going on in women's bodies, but they have the potential to really support you in whatever you're going through from a different perspective, that is outside of our own perception, where we are merely “the tree looking through the forest”. For me personally, I can call upon him to remember things from my session that perhaps I was too tearful or emotionally involved with to hear or comprehend.

Respectfully back to the "Fucking Fucks"... my flaring temper as of late has made me question my soul's wounds, my lineages, all the work I've done to be at peace within. Knowing all is perfect, I would allow any and all emotions to move through, trying not to project these onto anyone, silently proud of myself when I didn't, self berating when I did. But still, something hasn't been right. I know my body, I could feel it. Arrogance and pretending that I'm not feeling like a victim have been smacking me in the face. “What is it that I'm not seeing or taking responsibility for?” I've been constantly asking myself. Recently changing my name to my husbands surname, “Am I now taking on all the wounds of his lineage as well, dealing with all the hurt and pain and anguish his ancestors have suffered as well?” If that is it, then I'm just going to make up my own damn name and not take on anyone else's at all. Ever. I've already processed (and continually going ever deeper processing) my family, my ex-husband's family, and now this one? Aaaarrrggghhh!

Then, of course my darling friend reminded me that whatever hurts and pains are there within me that I am taking on, it is always by choice, and to remember that there is just as much love, support and amazing gifts that this lineage also has to offer, I may also benefit and be a bigger benefit to others by embracing these gifts as well. (With a bit of humility, receiving different a perspective can turn a victim perception instantly into a different perspective of gratitude and appreciation. Hallelujah!)

So what happened? My Thermography shows that my right breast turns out to be at a bit higher risk, and as Inna Segal states in her book The Secret Language of Your Body: The right breast equates to one not being able to be still, a workaholic and always busy doing things, while having difficulty saying “NO”. There is a tendency to “think that if you don't do something, the world might end. Trying to please everyone and then feeling torn in different directions. Sometimes carrying the archetype of a slave. Often feeling like a victim. Asking yourself, Why does this happen to me? Holding on to childhood hurts from your family. Feeling overwhelmed and overpowered by others. Trying to be too controlling in order not to fall apart. Easily trapped in an abusive relationship [sometimes this abusive relationship is the one we have within ourselves as self bashing is common for not living up to our own false expectations of being the Perfect Person]. Often carrying anger toward men and the pain they have caused (and our expectations of how we want our men to turn up and never happening). Sadness about a failed relationship. For parents, disappointment and hurt that you don't have the relationship you desire with your kids.”

The left breast lets us know that we may have “Difficulty connecting with your own femininity and receiving love, affection, and kindness. Feeling like you don't need help from others because you can take care of everything yourself. Overburdening yourself with responsibilities and then pushing yourself beyond your limits, feeling anxious and exhausted. Not having any clear boundaries. Holding on to rejection, shame, disappointment, insecurity and fear. Always worrying about everyone and everything. Deep need to be liked and to please others. Deep fear of loss. Regret about the choices you have made. Living in the past and wishing that things were different.”

Oh! This is sooo accurate, as this past year I've been exhausting myself serving others for work and money, and feeling quite unsupported in the human realm. It is only when I turn to my Creator that all of this makes any kind of sense. When I surrender in this way, all of it actually ceases to matter, as the Love I feel from my Creator far surpasses any human love and pretty much immediately all is well in my world once more.

In a few words, esoteric world aside and back to chemical physicality, as, after all, we are all a bunch of CHON's (Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen) walking around; my hormone levels are off as I am holding on to too much estrogen in my body, as well as having adrenal burnout because I've pushed myself too far this time without caring for myself properly. It's simple cause and effect really, realizing this is a prime reason for a great deal of symptoms in my body, including nursing an underactive Thyroid. The "Fucking" explosions that I seem to be unable to control, the pain in my ovaries, (along with the symptoms that sugar helps elevate) the inflammation in my breasts, and the complete opposite, that all is ok and right with the world. I also have a very understanding demeanor that I find it very easy to go with the flow, and get on with a phenomenal amount of peace in my life. A bit bipolar some would suggest, but I reckon overall I'm just being a human trying to constantly achieve homeostasis.

I can now relax, more easily process the emotions that come up for me here with this realization, and move on with no fear in order to bring my body back to a more efficient alignment of balance. As I monitor my daily dietary intake, body temperatures, temptation for distractions, I know that everything that is coming up for me is perfection, stepping into an ever expanding realm of growth and possibility. Being able to be strong, bring Power, Love and Wisdom that comes from experience is setting the stage for an even bigger game my soul is calling for.

What an amazing world and time we live in...

I'm sharing my journey with TLC - The Liquid Crystal remedies and other helpful resources if you find yourself going through a similar journey. 

As a TLC Practitioner, I've researched and prescribed myself a 21 day Liquid Crystal remedy focused on balancing the hormones within my Reproductive System. This first go round to explore I am taking Black Coral / Pearl / Selenite. I chose these because (I was going to do Peridot/Gold/Herkimer Diamond for my Endocrine System but I was out of the stock Gold and moved to the next best option, which is perhaps divinely perfect. The Deva's know what they are doing more than I do!) Black Coral and Selenite are the activating and closing crystals within the Reproductive System, and Pearl because she helps with fertility, hormone balance and malignant conditions, bringing cycles into alignment with the Moon Phases in Females, and simultaneously works on healing digestive problems (which I also am moving through, common for Virgo's to have digestive problems I am told). “By embrace of emotions and the often difficult path they create, Joy, Beauty and Purity are found” with Pearl, also enhancing the feminine qualities of Mothering, Integrity and Grace.

- referenced from Justin Moikeha Asar of The Liquid Crystals

Within the first 3 days of the 21 day trinity I felt a shift, and after 5 days I no longer felt bi-polar. I explored eating some dark chocolate and am not having the major mood swings that sugar has me subject to, but still have cut out the mass majority of refined sugars in my life anyway. It will be important to finish the 21 day cycle through to complete the transmission and solidify this healing journey.

After the lymph drainage massage and bodywork that brought up and took me through (my first non-loving teenage sexual trauma I totally forgot I was holding on to) with the amazing holistic practitioner Johnathan Butler in Sacramento, CA, my lymph nodes have returned to normal, no more swelling, I've taken more time off and feel my energy returning to levels where I don't feel like sleeping all day, and have stabilized another piece of foundation for this part of my life. Hooray! 

Helpful Meditations for Breast Illness copied and posted straight from Inna Segal's book The Secret Language of Your Body:

Focus on your breasts. Do you love, appreciate, and look after them? Or do you criticize them; poke fun at them; or carry disappointment, hurt, and shame in your breasts and chest? Stand in front of the mirror, take off your top, and look at your breasts. Focus on letting go of all criticism, and see them from a new perspective of love and appreciation.

With your hands, take out any density, energetic knives, ropes, or abuse from your breasts and put them into an imaginary fire. Allow them to release on all levels until your breasts feel nice and light inside.

Say:”Divine Healing Intelligence, I ask you to help me release hardness, disappointment, disconnection from my own needs, feelings of rejection, tiredness, loss and victimhood from my breasts, as well as all points of view, all patterns, and the positive and negative charges that contribute to this condition.” Repeat the word “CLEAR” until you feel a shift occur.

Cup your breasts in the palms of your hands and focus on sending green, healing, rejuvenating light into your breasts. Then hug yourself, focusing on loving and nurturing your breasts.

Complete the following sentence: “I love my breasts because ___________.”

Repeat this five times, telling your breasts all the different reasons you love them. It could be anything:

My breasts give me pleasure.

They make me feel more feminine.

I was or am able to nurture my children with my breasts.

Say: “Divine Healing Intelligence, please help me love, nurture, and listen to myself. Help me to have a balanced outlook on life, increase my inner power, and allow me the freedom to be myself. Thank you.”

Do something loving and nurturing every day, even if it only takes a moment. Smile at yourself, give yourself a compliment, rest, read, dance, or do whatever feels right.

Say: Divine Healing Intelligence, please heal and regenerate my breasts and all related organs to their maximum health, vitality, and well-being. Thank you.”

Unhealthy emotions to work with: Stuckness, Fear, Criticism, Rejection, Attack, Control, Judgment, Guilt, Low Self-Esteem

Healthy emotions to work with: Forgiveness, Support, Innocence, Confidence, Love

Colors to work with: Green, Pink, Gold, Orange

Connect with more of Inna's work starting here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Gj-Y5YaKeY

A great article about MBCR (Mindfulness-Based Cancer Recovery and SET (Supportive-Expressive Group Therapy during cancer recovery, loaded with links to scientific studies and more meditations: http://drdavidhamilton.com/how-meditation-affects-the-cells-of-breast-cancer-survivors/

And, of course, please contact me as I am also available to consult and offer appropriate remedies for your own unique situations in the form of Bodywork and Massage (Lomi Lomi, Sweedish, Deep Tissue, Reiki, Prenatal, Chair, PNF, etc.), as well as Compassionate Listening sessions, Liquid Crystal readings and remedies, Art/Poetry, Soul and Child Whispering, ceremonies, and more. www.souljourneyswithgaia.com

Namaste

Childhood Transitions

Childhood Transitions

It’s an exciting day, a day of celebrating life and achievements we’ve spent the last 9 months and years preparing for and working on. The smiles, the new dresses, shoes, slacks and ties, the made up hair, families coming together to witness your special walk across the stage, where you extend one hand, giving thanks to the hand of your principal or dean, and with the other, receiving your certificate. Your diploma. Your piece of paper that says “I did it!”

As I drop you off at school today, this amazing day of your 5^th grade graduation, I see the banner on the door of your classroom that reads “Class of 2021”. In the moment, it seems like 7 years is a long way off. But in an instant, you’ll be out of high school and entering an even different world.

I see you walk off with your friends and suddenly, they come. The waves of such full on emotions that overflow my eyes with tears, coming from the depths of my heart that is simultaneously welled up with joy for the totality of your journey, and the loss, the death of what was once previously your childhood in the way it was.

The same desperate feelings of change that took over any rational thought the day I dropped your older brother off at kindergarten. The day I said good bye to you at pre-school. The first time your brother went to a day care. The day you got your first tooth. The days both you were born and when your brother was born. The emotions that both feel like grief and exponential joy at the same time.

We go through life, moving with what is, dancing to the tune of societies flute, perhaps along the way moving out of that tune and stomping to a different drum beat from time to time, or all the time.

So when you see me with buckets of water pouring from my eyes, I may or may not have a tissue or cloth to absorb these tears, know that as a person, as a woman, as a mother, I am grieving your amazing transitions that have me reflecting my own. I am as happy as I am sad, but don’t ask me why and expect a clear response, I just am because that’s what I’m feeling.

Each transition that you go through is like a mini (or perhaps full on) death. Unattended to since birth, these feelings may have not been addressed, may not have been made aware to us that it is important to sit with. Our wombs and bodies have stored these emotions and memories for as long as there have been humans. Some feel incredibly bright and joyful, and some feel like the darkest pits of what we believe is Hell.

Often many men and women, mostly women are exposed to what is known as “empty nest syndrome”. I believe there are different reasons for this, such as being so absorbed in their children’s lives’ that they have no life of their own. Holding on so tight to the life we experience through our son’s and daughters that we’ve forgotten about our own life.

Many times these same children are the one’s that cannot wait to leave the nest as soon as possible. I know I did. I grew up in a pretty sheltered environment and the first opportunity I got, I flew the nest hours away from my hometown, so there was no chance of easily returning. It was such a relief to have my own space, earn my own way, make my own mistakes, and live in my own way. So much so that I nearly died 3 days after leaving!

I was so excited to live that I had left home with $126 to my name, a VW Karmenn ghia packed with some clothes and ski gear, the promise of a job at a ski resort in Mammoth Lakes and no where to stay. I knew one person and when I saw him I asked if I could stay at his home. He said “Gail, I’m living in the back of my truck right now!” OH! But then a lady (or perhaps an angel) I’d never met that was standing with us offered me a place to stay for a few days until I could find my own room.

Three days in I set out on a 2 hour hike up a mountain with a group of newly met friends, skis on our backpacks, blue skies overhead, and the excitement of fresh turns down the mountainside. After a well deserved break following the invigorating hike, I eagerly clicked into my skis at the top of the peak where the way down was appropriately called “Rockchute”. The entrance of the run was so steep that the first few turns required hop turns and hard, solid edging skills. The second hop turn I made found my bindings too loose and my ski pre-released. Down, down, down I went, sliding through a 3 meter wide gap between jutting, jagged rocks that had been the cause of previous fatal accidents.

I slid nearly 300 meters, tumbling head over heals, seeing white snow, blue skies, white, blue, white, blue, white, blue….. when they say that your life passes before your eyes before your death, I can tell you from experience that it is absolutely true. Time slowed down, aware that I was on my death slide down Rockchute, I saw my childhood, my friends, my family, and all I could say was “Oops”. When I finally stopped tumbling, I couldn’t believe that I was still alive. It felt like half my face was torn off from the sharp crystals of the snow. A few people skied up to me and were in awe that I was alive, especially one man who had watched his friend die from tumbling down the very same run. It was incredible, and though I was in shock (do you know how difficult it is to ski when you’re in shock? Must’ve looked funny as!) I only wanted to experience everything in this short life as I could. I listened to people tell their stories, and I wanted many of my own to share as well! And I earned the nickname “Slider” for many years to come.

I was naive, but it didn’t matter, I was done with school, and determined to never return home to live with my parents. Thank you and goodbye I said. I’ve since lived much of my life in this way, when there is a definitive opening for me to experience something bigger than the perceptions of my previous small life, I tend to run for the door, flinging it open and shouting “I’M HERE! What’s next?”  When I get stuck in fear, my soul inevitably ALWAYS leads me to a path that can help me move through the fear, usually with faith, prayer, and supportive people. Or a “fuck it I’m doing it anyway” attitude, they both work in their own respective ways.

Another reason parents have difficulty letting their children go, is that we’re not told or guided to grieve the stages of each death of our children! We go forth, oscillating between thinking we have it all figured out and feeling that we are the worst parents on the planet. For example, did you know that it’s sometimes so difficult to get rid of the baby clothes and toys because we haven’t fully been present in embracing each moment of the infant journey? We tend to be so caught up in the business of keeping everyone alive and feeling pretty great when our babies turn into precious sleeping angels at the end of the day.

One helpful suggestion is to breathe all of this day into your body. Close your eyes, take as many deep breaths as you need and allow all of the experiences of each and every moment integrate into your cells. Embracing the life that was just lived. You’ll be amazed at how well you might sleep each night from this simple practice.

Then, in the morning, if you’re blessed to wake up to the gift of another day, breathe in the freshness of the morning, and start with a completely clean slate. What will this new day bring? If there’s something to finish up from yesterday, how can I achieve that with the fresh start to this day? If there’s nothing I can do about it, please help me be present enough within myself in each new moment so that I don’t waste my precious life worrying about the past I cannot change.

I am reminded at some point, though; we all will go through the grief of transition. As a parent, you hold up the first outfit you brought your newborn home in and the tears are there. Allow them to come. It is so beautiful to cleanse the journey of the past with our loved ones with golden tears. Remember when your baby took his first step? When she said her first word? Each new stage begins and the previous one comes to an end. Go ahead, it feels so good to reflect on this memory and cry for the death, the loss of what will never again be. Then we can be clear to start the next leg of the journey with an empty cup, creating new memories. Constantly cleaning our own internal closets so we don’t become overwhelmed with carrying things that will only serve to weigh us down.

I don’t know what life will bring, but when I’ve allowed myself to cry the sacred tears, I actually feel more rejuvenated. I feel like the world holds me in it’s nurturing embrace, cradling the cozy bosom of my Divine Mother, and there is no doubt that whatever comes next, I am clean and completely free to be present with.

Namaste 

In The Mirror

M.C. Escher ~ Hand with Reflecting Sphere

I can feel the mask of fear within you as your inner pride and arrogance flow out.... good to also explore this part of yourself. It's only a lack of humility that keeps you from staying with the feelings or pulling out of them too soon, before the core is penetrated.

The opposite of humility is pride. The arrogance comes from thinking you know it so you don't have to feel it. You talk a good talk my friend, where is the walk? Or rather your surrendering to the fall?

Do you look into my eyes and feel like you cannot say what comes up for fear of hurting me? Do you ask me anything and nothing because you don't want to be alone or think that is what I want to hear? Beautiful women have been your nemesis, are you also able to look into the eyes of an ugly woman and see what changes in you and her? Or a man? Or a child? Or an animal?

What if you sank into the depth of feeling and create from that space? To write from inspiration and take the thoughts out of it, to stop writing from the ingrained belief patterns you have been taught, to release regurgitating what you hear or are told and write/poet/create/spin/dance/feel from the place where there is no thought?

M.C. Escher ~ Drawing Hands

Here is where you will find you, my friend, without fear, without loneliness, without lust, without judgment/condemnation/persecution/grudges/beliefs/betrayal/unworthiness, without trying so fucking hard. Here is where you will support and be supported, love and be loved, feel and be compassion, cry and be nurtured, know yourself and know God, allow the shadow to overwhelm and really know the beauty of the black and white rivers flowing together. To create from vulnerability.

Yes, this is the sunshine that consumes the soul... it's burning flame and fiery passion that ignite each self into unique expression. This is where godself is discovered. Not in the I Am God, but the humble expressions of I Feel the God that moves me and I am here to serve Her Will in being exactly myself.

House of Mirrors

Thank you for my life. Thank you for creating this unique expression of You that is me in my bodyworld. I honor You by being me, not by being afraid of me. I serve you better in Love, God, and can be more of your Divine Messenger when I stand in Truth and empower myself with Your Love above all else. No one can fill me like You can. 

The Blind Detective

Please, help me to receive more of your Divine Love.
Please help me to be humble and Love my soul as you Love me. 

Please help me to Love others as You Love them.
Please Help me to Love as You Love.

"People in the Mirror may be more Attractive than they Appear"

  

It is in this way that I continue to ask to Love You dear brother, dear sister. 

It is in this way that I continue to excavate and Love myself to the core of my sacred existence. 

Your fear inspires me to be more compassionate. 

Your strength inspires me to feel more vulnerable. 

Your Love inspires me to desire only transparency and truth. 

Your creation inspires me to express my creativity.

Drunk on life and willing, that is all for now.

YANNI ~ IN THE MIRROR ~ have a listen

Namaste

Feeling Happy and Everything

Some people ask me how I can steadily remain so positive and happy. I would have to say that while I am a wildly optimistic woman by nature, I am happy because I know how to allow myself to cry. I was reminded this morning about the depth of the grief I have felt, even though each wave of grief I have moved through seems like it was lifetimes ago. I don't try to suppress the tears anymore, and when an emotion arises, I am comfortable enough in my self-love to give myself permission to stop what I am doing and be with my feelings. This could be anywhere. It was a challenge when I first embarked on the journey to desire the absolute truth of my soul to not feel embarrassed about crying in the middle of a store, or dropping to my knees in public and kissing the ground that I walk upon in gratitude because that is what the emotional presence called for.

My journey as a homeless woman I chose to go on for 40 days ingrained so much deep gratitude and trust in God, that no matter who is around watching, it doesn't matter. I worked through a lot of my fear of being judged. I tried things in front of complete strangers that I would not have dared to do before. There were days where I would be walking along and I would get the urge (much like the force that moved through me up on top of the mountains of Chamonix) to drop to my knees and kiss the very ground I was walking upon in gratitude. People saw me, but didn't say anything. I saw heads turn, and could energetically feel puzzlement from others, but it ceased to matter. I took my chances of looking crazy, like really insane off the cliff crazy, over and over and over again. And over and over again I would be rewarded with the flood of Divine Love entering me, holding me in what feels like a full bodied orgasm of expansion where my heart could literally explode, filling me up with indescribable feelings, holding me in a purity of innocent infinite, that even the words “Unconditional Love” falls short of explaining accurately.

On most of my homeless journey, I continually tested my resolve to remain acutely aware of everything I was feeling, and to move through as many fears as I could that surfaced. While I checked in with a group of friends who supported me, I made all my choices, and I was the one who had to commit and take action to consciously move through it. I had made a continually growing list of all the things I was afraid of, and kept doing them.

One day I was feeing it right to move through my fear of making a dramatic scene in public. I was guided by my spirit guides and the way of my womb to go into a major electronics store, dock my ipod into one of the speaker systems on display, and proceed to practice an hour of AB-BA* yoga in the aisle. I hopped onto a public bus and told myself I would let it guide me to where I needed to be that day, hoping it would take me way out of the path so I could avoid actually acting on this spiritual guidance. A few minutes later, and the bus stopped directly outside of a Best Buy electronics store. Darn! I took it as a sign that this is what I was meant to do, and I got off the bus. With a deep breath, I started to walk across the parking lot, and the song I was listening to by my favorite band (U2 ~ Original of the Species) was so appropriate. It was like the hand of God Himself was directing my every move! 

Then the words:

“Come on sugar

Show me your SOUL

You've been keeping your LOVE

Under control...”

completely gutted my soul with their power and significance. I stopped dead in my tracks, feeling the intensity of the moment I was creating, of the way I hide from myself, from God, from life. Feeling a tremendous amount of fear, doubt, self judgment, and my shadow trying to remain in “control”, I tried to talk myself out of it while I took another step, then another and another toward the store anyway. Upon walking into the store, I found my bowels ready to make a scene, so I practically ran to the bathroom and released my initial fear physically into the toilet. So my gut was feeing better, but I was sweaty, with overwhelming nerves of fear crawling through every cell of my body. I slowly made it to the speaker section, docked my ipod and turned the volume up. I stood there and prayed, and then, with the music and a deep breath, I began to practice devotional yoga. In every moment I was thinking I was going to get kicked out of the store. That they would call the police and I would be arrested for making a scene. 

Know what happened? Absolutely NOTHING! During the course of an hour, yes, a full hour! I practiced my yoga, with my knee-high rainbow socks and mismatched clothes, sweaty internal guilt complex and monkey mind, and nothing whatsoever external happened. At all. Three store employees came during the course of the hour to see if they could answer any questions about electronics for me, when I said “no”, they just walked away. Some customers gazed at me for a bit, then also moved on. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock! This experience that I had created so much fear and significance in my mind around, was trivial to others, barely a drop in the water. I dropped to the floor in surrendered grief, and cried and cried right there in the aisle. Again I was left alone. Thank God! I did not want to be coddled, or “rescued” aka “suppressed” from feeling these feelings, or have anyone hold me and tell me it would be okay, for I was feeling the amazing realization that I alone was creating everything in my own life.

When I step up to the plate, in whatever way that looks for me, in deep desire and reverence to God, to my self-awareness, and in the willingness to take action to overcome anything in Love, He will create the space for me. She will hold me and conspire to immediately shift absolutely everything in my life so that I may freely give myself to Her majesty. Whether you personally believe in God or not, this is what I believe, what I feel, and the force of the Creator of my soul that I surrender to. Oh hallelujah!

We each experience, or have the opportunities to continually experience this in our own unique ways. What worked for me will be different for you, we all find our own way with courage, desire, commitment and perseverance. The reward I felt walking out of the store, was a sense of knowing that God holds me in complete Love. I floated out of the store, stopping to silently witness and thank all the people, angels, and space that was created for me to move through this experience. I felt the kind of gratitude burning through me that painfully rips my heart and soul open, that moves me to tears, feeling the utopia of original innocence where there has never been any wounding. Where there is only Love, where there is only One. In this space, I feel my body vessel as the light, as the messenger, and the mere act of me looking into someone else's eyes, or a simple touch on the skin, or even just the acknowledgement of their true souls, I give back, for I cannot contain this love for just myself, it has to be shared. I don't think about it, or try to seek out helping others, I just know it is a gift that radiates its pure essence to whomever I happen to cross paths with.

Looking back, I find it funny and trivial. THAT is what I was afraid of? Someone kicking me out of the store for behaving inappropriately? Of course, that was just the surface fear. The underlying core of the fear is not allowing myself to behave in whatever manner that is right for my soul's journey because of my fear of being judged, condemned, labeled, persecuted, isolated, etc. So taking the action to put myself in the train's path, helped me move through it in one huge go, without undergoing years of justified therapy to “talk” my way through my fears. Just do it, then it's done! There are worldly laws to be adhered to, however, like I wouldn't jump out of an airplane without a parachute just to see if I could fly! Nor would I intentionally put myself or anyone else in obvious physical danger or harm to themselves. (I guess even this could be viewed as a judgment, for what feels safe to me, might feel dangerous to others, and vice versa. So I actually have put myself in “perceived” danger, but using the guidance of my desire for truth, my womb has always placed me in the experiences that are most valuable to my soul journey.)

It used to take large acts of courage and commitment such as this, and it still does to some extent (writing and putting together this book is another huge commitment to moving through my fear of creating something I once previously imagined larger than myself), continual leaps of faith, but now the fears don't rule my life. My fears do continually present themselves into my awareness, but most of them feel so small anymore that fear does not grip me into life inhibiting paralysis.

(Turns out it was a Friday the 13^th, and I heard people in the store shrug off my unusual behavior to the moon and the crazy people Friday the 13^th brings out in people.)

* Not your typical asana yoga, this yoga is one of Devotion, where postures are held for up to 12 minutes at a time, praying, emotional tears have a tendency to build and gush out in reverence for our Creator and in gratitude for life itself. It helps to feel so completely alive and in reverence of our own bodies. (stay tuned as I'll be posting on my website a guided video to AB BA yoga).

This is right on, Window in the Skies, "oh can't you see what love has done and what it's doing to me"

Namaste