Tasting LOVE

1/4/11

Cell food, eyebrows waxed, a bit of pampering, colonic and massage appts, taking better care of my skin and body. Only with fresh and renewed intensity will I continue to change myself. No half-assed laziness will change me. I get this jolt whenever I detoxify my body, and though I tend to take it easy during the cleanse, I always feel better after the third day. This time it was after two days that the headaches, sweating and nausea went away. I keep going because I know I’m not finished yet. It’s not about completing a certain number of days, but being in tune with my body to know when she says to keep going, or we're ready to stop.

Setting a goal is helpful to start, but having the flexibility to change it along the way is the best way to stay in my truth. Some might say that is lack of commitment, maybe for them, but my lack of commitment shows up when I stop, not when I change a bit along the way. If I set out with a goal to walk from point A to point B, and along the way there is a great big cliff, most likely I won’t walk myself off the cliff, but I will turn, walk a different direction and find a way to keep going. Could be I never get to point B, I may end up at valley C, the goal could end up being all in the journey trying to get there.

OB ~ nothingness

Dakar sounded oon rahum as we talk ourselves back into commitment with one another. I find myself with my hands on my womb, citrine candle lit, in such silent stillness. It is not for me to sound tonight, even though that was the original goal. I am taken to a place of nothing, just silent peace for a long time, no thoughts, no visions, no memory…then deep sleep…

Of course, it was only a deep sleep until Dakar starts to yoni gaze me. I watch him preparing with kindness and respect for himself and me, to create a space of comfort. Even though I wanted to sleep in this peacefulness I was in, he wouldn’t take my soft “No’s”. As he gazed me, I was again in a peaceful space, admiring the feelings of LOVE he was encouraging into my yoni, with all of her pain and joy, the ups and downs of this ride we’ve embarked upon, I could only remember feeling a deep sense of grace that I’ve only been able to find when I am at peace for myself, if only to glimpse it for some moments, tasting it, knowing our work will bring us ever closer to fully living in this experience every day. 

Namaste

Citrine and Dreams

Day 94 ~ 1/2/11

Citrine, the stone of Abundance. I pull this card as soon as I mention to Dakar that he should take a break this month if there is a high pressure to go kiteboarding, or relax somewhere warm. “Money, Health, Love and Time, whatever your currency of Joy in the moment, I have come to aid you in its acquisition…get ready to receive your dreams, but always be prepared to see just how small they are in the bigger picture.” (pg. 103 & 104 The Liquid Crystals by Justin Moikeha Asar)

How true this is. Other than saving the planet, self illumination, and helping others in realization, I’m not sure what exactly is the bigger picture. I have come to find out that such things I do not need to know, information and the next piece always seem present itself just a step before requiring the knowledge.

When Dakar got up to go to work this morning, I felt a being next to me. At first I was a bit frightened, then I immediately remembered I’ve felt it before, about 15 years ago, now again recently, so I invited it back. I remember waking up one night feeling like a cat was walking on me, one step at a time. I looked up and nothing was there. In the nights and weeks to follow, I would feel like someone was laying down next to me, pressing the covers into my body. I was told then by several people that it could be a demon, or a ghost, to tell it to go away. The mathematician guy I was dating at the time said that ghosts were “scientifically impossible” and I was feeling nothing, it’s just my imagination. I was 20, and kind of creeped out by all of this, not knowing who to turn to or how to understand it, so I asked it to go away.

In this house, with Dakar, I have felt this presence on and off several times, feeling the purity of it. The only word going through me while focusing on this being was “LOVE”. I could feel it creeping up my arms and onto my body like a soft jello-like blob, covering me like a shadowy blanket until it completely sank into my body, snuggling and dissolving inside of me. Yes, I was awake and coherent!

A bit later though, after I fell back to sleep, I had dreams of unconditional love…a litter of orphaned puppies found a home with an older woman with grown children, she had taken them in and was nursing these pups with the milk from her own breasts - I wanted to feed them too! I then saw a doorway into a world, of beings here on earth. It was a playground and they were playing here while they waited for humanity.

I was also shown many different occupations that people choose for themselves, and was told that “Some people are here to work as doctors, earthdiggers, lawyers, editors, etc. Some people are here to save things organizations such as Save the Whales, Save the Earth, Save the This and That, and some are here to simply be love and spread love into the world. It seems odd, but spreading Love is not the most popular job one can choose to do, as it is under the radar without public fame, and always accompanies humility. We do our work quietly, silently within, that way we can be more pure in our journeys.”

I knowingly accept this as my path as I see myself dancing in this conga~line with many other people…it’s like walking through the forest with other fairies and lovers on the path. How appropriate again, I say, that Citrine reminds me that my dreams will manifest, but they are small, belonging to my self, and hold but an ounce of importance (however joyful they are) to the bigger picture – whatever that is!

So I burn my candle meant to represent Citrine for the next 21 days and ask for my dreams – which brings up an issue I have been resisting around ceremonies. My heart physically hurts as I write this, so it’s good to dive into! I have not indulged myself in a lot of ceremonial activities, could stem from the time I was burned at the stake for being a “witch”, or the number of past lives I have died during ceremonial rituals…but in this lifetime, I have always been uncomfortable when asked to a ritual. If I have gone, I have rarely allowed myself to be free during, not giving 100% of who I am into the ceremony.

If I watch ceremonies in a movie, on the internet or elsewhere, I shy away, feeling hurt, shame and guilt, along with repression and serious denial. But deep down, I know better. I know that this comes up for me because I have been on the giving end of said rituals. I have taken advantage of my subjects before and feel pain today because of it. In this lifetime, I have not allowed myself to fully open to the knowledge that is my birthright in fear of not wanting to mess up again.

My dream, more than anything, is to be a clear conduit, knowing what to express and share in any given moment, to help or not to help another, knowing what is appropriate and conducting myself in such manner…to be clear enough within myself to understand how to serve in any moment.

All emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always.

Namaste

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Day 93 ~ 1/1/11

All emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always…

Dakar got a 4 am wake up call this morning to go to work because it had snowed 1/2 an inch. He got up completely pissed off and during these moments, I am internally happy that he is not around! I was up, filling his water containers and trying to help his exit smoother and peaceful for him, but it was just me I was satisfying, learning how to remain peaceful and not take it personally.

Hours later, he called and woke me, yelling into the phone that his ass was on fire. I’m not sure why he yelled at me, he was the one creating the fire and discomfort in his day. (Mirror ~ I have totally done this to him though too, so fair is fair!) I calmly breathed and said nothing. The past few days he has been complaining of his anus being tight. I asked him several times what he was holding in, what is it that he is not releasing, and obviously he avoided looking into finding these answers. So, I quietly raised myself up, and went to get him some hemorrhoid relief cream.

My mom used to get hemorrhoids every time she called someone an “Asshole”, now she doesn’t call people that anymore! Dakar has been blaming people, settling into his small self, feeling the victim. I have been trying to remain neutral, but sometimes I still let his negativity rub off on me, then I feel dirty. I went to town and bought him some cream and the shelves were barren of the stuff! The store was practically sold out, only a couple tubes to choose from, as I see another man in front of me walking stiffly, two tubes of cream in his cart. I had to laugh, wondering what is going on that there is a sudden flare up of hemorrhoids for people? Astrologically, NOW is the perfect time to be letting go, releasing unwanted or un-serving stuff from our lives between the lunar and solar eclipses.

I brought the kids with me to deliver “The Cream” and we soaked in the outdoor hot tub where we have a recreation pass. There were several kids and an adult in the tub already, the kids were throwing snowballs at each other, eating snow like ice cream, being kids and having fun. A few minutes after we arrived, the mother of the other kids entered the hot tub. She immediately puckered up and started exclaiming “Don’t run, don’t eat the snow, don’t throw the snow into the hot tub, don’t jump in, don’t, don’t, DON’T…!” During her ranting her littlest boy hit his head on the concrete side of the tub as if to validate her fears. He got his mommy time, and she was able to provide for the needy child, and the whole energy shifted from the lightness that comes from allowing kids to be kids to being stressful and on edge. We didn’t stay very long, and I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything to her. I had to consider that she was a mirror for me in this moment, allowing me to glimpse at what I sound like when I am in my controlling stage with my kids.

Coming home, I get the kids settled in with something to eat and lie down for a nap. I have a bad headache from starting my detoxing cleanse today and dehydrating myself some in the hot tub. It doesn’t seem to matter how much fluid I drink, it’s hardly ever enough to keep me from getting headaches from heat. It’s like my way of telling me I’m too much in my head. After napping a bit, I woke up to worse pain in my head. I ran my Shakti circuit, feeling the energy bright and piercing hot as it worked its way through, grounding and connecting me. I then went into a meditation to connect with Mother, Father and the Christ Consciousness grid and my headache instantly improved. I see my daughter as a powerful healer, and she rubs my head, bathing energy down my forehead, neck and shoulders. She is quite gifted and as she asks why do I think this of her I can only reply “you just are.” I will try to nurture this gift within her for as long as she chooses.

I walk into the bedroom after feelings of peppermint run through me as I complete my ovary breathing. There is a thick layer of unsettled energy, I can smell the stench giving off a putrid odor as Dakar sleeps here. Ugh! Do I really want to climb into bed and sleep here? I can go sleep soundly on the couch…but the bed is more comfortable and I want to rest well, allowing my body time to better heal itself. How can I work to transform this stale energy in our bedroom? The years of abuse and sexual repression we have put ourselves through need to be cleaned from our bedroom. I want this done, so I decide to stay and work on transforming it. I may require help, but I will work to find the answer first myself, with Dakar.

I am always amazed and humbled at the powerful natural healing our bodies do on their own. I can go to bed with a debilitating migraine and wake up healed and refreshed. Amazing! How could we ever compare or think that we are better than the God within us? Self healing, trust, patience and forgiveness as I look in the mirror, a bit brighter than the last time. 

Namaste

Dakar Weigh's In

Dakar's Photo

As promised (just a bit out of alignment with the date – but oh well) here is most of the following conversation I had with Dakar, deepening our understanding and relating with each other as to why we are committed to this journey. I am not skewing the answers in any way, I just asked questions, so everything is coming from his divine masculine experiences.

As I rewrite this interview, it feels like I just asked him these questions yesterday, but ages ago as well. Time is getting funnier and funnier to me, linear time is feeling completely irrelevant. I suppose it’s something we invented to keep the mind in check, from going completely insane, to stay in the projection of this reality. I am reading and writing this paragraph right now and my eyes are fuzzy, like the words are going into italics, moving and dissolving from the screen.

Science might say that it is a chemical reaction inside my body reacting to the sugar from the holiday peppermint bark I indulged in a bit earlier today. Spirit might say that it’s too much screen time, my eyes have still not adjusted to entering a different reality, don’t overdo trying to squeeze myself back into a box that won’t fit me anymore…

Q: Dakar, what happens during testies breathing for you?

A: Waves of energy looping during the breathing and throughout body after anus release.

Q: What does that do for you?

A: Energizes my whole body, it feels tingly and more alive. Shifting of energy through the joints, specifically a convulsion from my abdomen to chest, connecting heart and hara in an orgasmic, wavelike pulse.

Q: How do you use this energy within you?

A: It allows me to attune my body, being in tune with the moment, allowing me to respond to stuff that comes up. It’s very sensory, feeling into what comes up for me in each moment. When I am connecting my heart and hara, it’s like it brings in more energy and light into these areas. The more it’s done, the more I can stay energized within myself. Like breathing in the very essence of life itself.

Q: What happens for you when we meditate on Oon Rahum?

A: The vibratory energy with sounding the mantras brings all the energy straight to my hara and heart. The intensity varies each day between my heart and hara through the toning resonance, sounding the vibration brings the energy straight into my hara.

Q: How do you feel afterward?

A: Clear, in the moment with my thoughts and presence. Everything is more immediate.

Q: Why continue with the practice? What do you feel like it’s doing for you on the grand scale of things?

A: I don’t know. Harmonizing my hara? A different form of energy moves through me. In the hours of sleep afterward, I receive clarity, like something has shifted. I see things differently. Mantra vibration is opening into things that have been repressed and need to be exfoliated – which helps me understand myself better in the moments as they come up. Talking about this helps me remember to stay dedicated, it makes me want to stay committed to continuing the practice, this is more important than anything.

Namaste Dakar, thank you for being open and honest with yourself and me.

Dakar's Photo

On The Verge

Donner Lake

Days 12/19/10 – 12/31/10

On the Verge

Feels like I’m watching it

All fall apart

Is this the end

Or where it all starts

~ Bekah Finch 2009

Here I am, writing this entry in the middle of January. I haven’t kept up on my posting because during this time, I have encountered a block, a bubble that has not wished to be broken. On my quest for perfection, I sometimes feel like things must be completed in a linear manner. After all, writing on the blog everyday would be linear…

What this has done though, is keep me from continuing on. I have journaled throughout these days, but it seems I cannot force myself to rewrite the entries into stories, the entries are boring and shallow, such as pondering what to do with old Christmas cards – do I throw them out, do I keep the ones with photos? Do I continue to send cards from our family? How can I do it in a way that everything does not end up in a landfill?

This time was a time for settling into myself after a long journey over thousands of years. I took this time to practically sleep through the month of December, not buying into the Christmas spirit of consumerism, just allowing myself to rest and sleep, play with my family and not worry about anything or anyone else.

My body just did not feel the same as it did before. Sometimes I was walking around in disconnect, but mostly just feeling mellow, and knowing which space I was in every time. Of course, all of the no exercising and holiday eating strained my body into lethargy and eventual apathy, and I knew that I would start an intense cleanse. I could feel the toxins in my body, smelling their release in my urine, waiting for me to stop eating and purge myself again.

Truckee River

So on Dec. 30, I released myself from hibernation, braved the crowds of people in town and stopped for hours along the river and Donner Lake to breathe in the fresh, icy cold air and snap a bunch of photographs.  Just a bit of inspiration to continue walking out of a funk. I ran my ovary and kidney breaths at the lake, listening to the sounds of the water running under a thin layer of cracking ice. Divine inspiration had once again taken control as I continued to wake up hot, placing my hands upon my womb and experiencing the fire inside, feeling the energy from my hands, following this energy all throughout my body, just sitting with it and feeling it move inside of me, lighting me up with sparkling fireworks from within – yummy!

Thin Ice Layer ~ Donner Lake

Whatever it was that kept me from moving forward, I recognize it as a blockage, something that I have not identified yet, and instead of letting it continue to block me, I am going around the linear confines of the structure I have placed around me, and when I am ready to see it for what it is, I am confident it will present itself to me again! In the meantime I’m moving on, otherwise this will get out of hand, I will have forsaken the commitment I made with myself and it will just be another unfinished project I once had an idea about. 

Namaste

Edge of Ice on Donner Lake

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned  ~ some deep transformational changes happening here within...journaling like a mad woman, will post as soon as it's ready to be heard...

Rest

 

Day 79 ~ 12/18/10

Today was a great day for not doing much. A steady rain and mushy snow fell about all day and night. Getting up late and napping a couple of times throughout the day is the rest my body is wanting right now. It has been nice to not have internet service and be even more unplugged from the daily distractions. More time spent with the kids as Dakar works, just feeling really peaceful. Peaceful, tired and grounded, with continual fresh doses of humility and gratitude for all of the little things, the moments that allow me to look at eyes and really understand that it just is, no matter what.

I’ve just wanted to stay up late when the house is quiet, everyone is sleeping and I can write, make pictures and be creative. Even though I am tired, I just want to see what creates through me.

All of the preparations and constant work over the past couple months have opened up the space for me to just take a break and not worry about anything. The feelings of being and little stuff that comes to the surface to take a look at feels VERY familiar. It’s like I know what is going on even though I don’t. Just in full and complete trust that all is well. I feel like I don’t even have to continue journaling or writing this blog…but I am curious to see where I go next, and the process of writing about it has helped me to dig and observe deeper within, so of course I will continue!

We watched the Blues Brothers movie tonight and it’s always great to revisit something from a different perspective. I love the way that they just rolled with the flow, even the buildings blowing up around them, they just get up and brush themselves off, leaving it be to what is! I know its just a movie, but it’s fun to be light sometimes, still seeing and living life in all ways.

Namaste