Time is on my side

Ever find yourself with an abundance of time on your hands? I do, all the time.

I am riddled with choices. 

Okay, it's 10 pm, I could:

- go to sleep

- watch a movie

- hug my children

- stare into space

- sit in a bath or hot tub

- pray, meditate, yoga

- I could eat some dessert

- do my homework

- paint, create art

- write a poem or book

- pick my nose

- stretch

- masturbate

- send an email

- play on the internet

- write a letter

- listen to myself fart and appreciate how good the release feels

- OR.......

Choices, all of these. And none of them are wrong. Or right. I don't stress anymore about not having enough time to do everything, as I realize that it does not matter what I do or don't do. I no longer feel the burden of finishing the infinite to-do list of stuff I've created in my life. I clearly see the time in the moment, and check in, feeling what action (or non-action) feels right to take next. While I could multitask, I like to make sure I am present, giving myself fully to what I am doing. 

In doing so, even though I seemingly have 100 different projects started, I find I can only give myself to the one project that calls to me in inspiration at a time. I'll be inspired to paint, and spend hours painting, then not paint for a few weeks. Or write, or photograph, or... anything else. I choose to spend my time playing in whatever form of inspiration flows through, and it feels like my days are long and I have so much time on my hands, no stress, not in overwhelm, just a lot of peace. Everything eventually gets done if it's meant to, and falls away without attachment if it's not meant to be finished. 

However, I do pray a lot during whatever activity, even when the prayer is a simple acknowledgment to God, or giving gratitude for whatever is moving through. Like writing this, I can feel His breath move through me. Because I consciously ask for it. I am grateful for it. I am open to receive it. And I want to share it! I allow myself time to stop and take a breath whenever I need one. More and more I grow consistent with this habit, more and more love, bliss and joy I feel in my body, my soul. 

Even when I am in an emotion that is frustrating or painful, I am grateful, for I know and have experienced this burning through the veils and layers to come back into the truth. How could I Not be thankful for this? How could I not give this magnificent Glory to God? 

And in this, whatever I choose to spend my time doing has my prayer, the essence of our Creator within it, so anything I spend my time doing is always perfect.  

Namaste

EXTACY

Opium den

Surrounds me

I'm enthralled

With lust

Naked bodies

Dance in the night

Merging with each other

Not one beginning or end

Taken into the grips

Of the Silver Dragon

Penetrated

Shaft of light fills me

Cold stainless steel

Then silver metal

Nickel, Titanium

Platinum

Thrilled with powerlessness

Unable to move

Save for the writhing

Organic lust dance

Taste me

I long to feel you in me

Serenaded with your smiles

The promise of your heart

I care not

But to be

Fully devoured

In this moment

Sticky sweet

This exotic lust

I open myself to you

So that I may feel again

Gaia El Aon

June 2012

Realization ~ Lapis Lazuli

Lapis Lazuli on Mt. Warning
"I am Free in my World, I am the path of Realization"

I trigger people. I'm very good at it. For most of my life I thought people didn't like me. I made up for this by trying too hard to please. If I smile at you, you'll like me. If I give you gifts, you'll like me. If I'm nice to you, you'll like me. If I tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better, you'll like me. Too much of myself was given away in an attempt to find acceptance from other people. Then I realized the truth. That people really didn't like me because I wasn't being authentic. I was reflecting dishonesty and compromise, deceit and manipulation. 

Through new eyes I see that I intimidate people with my passion and intensity to live a rich and abundant life. I desire honesty! I desire to live fully! I desire to know you in your grace as well as your grief! I know I am intense, with my beauty, with my Love, with my openness, with my vulnerability, with my wounds, with my harshness, with my lack of confidence, with my power, with my wisdom, with my bullshit, with my ugliness, with whatever it is you see in me that triggers discomfort in you. I feel it in you too. 

I am happy to be a catalyst for myself and others on a soul level. This hurts the surface ego like hell, feels like dying, and it is, trust me! (Or not, it's your choice). I've tried living to fit the ideal mold of success, to be a leader, to generate people in my life who appreciate who I am. To build and create a foundation so that enough people can give me money and praise, supporting me to live so that I can keep sharing what I am passionate about. I keep thinking that I have to be popular and well known in order to be a success. That I have to be famous in order to be heard and respected. That I need to be seen by others before I can see myself. Even in the admission of these discoveries, I shift into embracing the darkness of my soul, of seeing my ego that is hurting in the sea of fear. In this recognition, I embrace her, my child, my inner self. I cuddle her and just hold her until she feels whole and not abandoned. 

I keep coming back to knowing that my service to God and humanity is catalyzing people to discover their own truths about themselves. Not to lead, not to be a guru, but to simply be, and help people discover within them what I already see in them. I've put together workshops and dates for people to discover their souls through art and play, and they are not full or sold out. Does this mean I don't show up? Does this mean I am not a leader? Does this mean this or that? Maybe it just means that is not the direction I am supposed to take. I feel so complete in myself and authentic with others when I show up one on one, or in a small group. Maybe I'm not meant to lead millions - a superhuman blow to my ego who always wanted to be someone special. However in my desire to know myself and walk my purpose, I am shown over and over and over again that silence is golden. Just showing up in humility is enough, changing hearts through the effects of one at a time. I know I am speaking from my womb because my passion rises, excitement builds and I feel my own special purpose. I feel whole. So why do I keep trying to "go big" when my soul is telling me to just stay present and be okay with being unseen? 

Because I feel people are missing out on the sacred gifts I have to offer. I feel I should always be doing something bigger and better, challenging myself and continually growing beyond my limitations.

Leap of Faith

I ask people "Is it so hard to take a Leap of Faith? Just once, then again, then again, to discover the ever expanding growth of your heart and soul? You've done it before. Where and when in your life have you taken leaps of faith? What was your outcome? Do you have the courage to do it again, in full consciousness?"  This is your only life, right here, right now. What do you want from it? 

I have not the charisma, fast wit and articulation to be a public speaker. (Maybe, maybe just not yet. I never rule anything out!) I flub up. ALL the time! I like writing and being an artist because I can take my time, breathing between sentences and expressions that want to come through. I feel that because I am not neatly wrapped up like every other package, complete with pretty bow and gift tag that says "Opportunity", you reject me. You reject discovering another piece of your soul that will lead you so sovereign knowing. I feel sad for you, for I know what it's like to be in this place. I also know that it takes much courage to take that first leap, heck, it takes courage to take the 100th and 1000th leap as well! But I promise you, it does get easier, the pain of fear dissipates, you eventually stop judging the world and everyone in it, knowing that all is in the perfection of Divine Order. Allowing everyone to have their own journeys at their own pace, whilst keeping up with the excavation of your own path you're walking. 

I see you, I know you, I Love you

You are beautiful and held in the perfection of God's eyes. 

Nothing else matters.

When I say this to you, I say it to myself, as we are all mirrors. I invite you to see the truth of who you are through me, and to be courageous and vulnerable enough so that I may see myself in you.
Then we can really play Free! 

Namaste, 

Gaia El

www.expressionsofgaia.com ~ to view and purchase art that has flowed through this artist ~ Thank you

For more information on Lapis Lazuli and other crystals as a manifestation tool for Realization and your soul, please contact me and visit www.theliquidcrystals.com. I can give you a personalized reading of your life purpose and current healing path, and distribute select liquid crystal remedies in the United States. Or connect with a practitioner you feel you resonate with - (see practitioner page on the website) 

It's about Unity, not isolation and separation and competition.

I'll make a difference because I will have lived it.

Check out this amazing video by Nahko Bear that is making a difference

SPRING  SNOW

A Poem by Gaia

Or you can watch this video on YouTube and share it here: Spring Snow by Gaia
Music of "Te Amo" by Armand Amar

I was out for a walk the other day, and presence just befell upon me. I was grateful to have my phone so I could record the expression that wanted to flow through. I felt compelled to turn it into a video of Love I have for God, myself, my children, nature, et al. I'm still learning the old imovie program, but whatever feels to move through, I feel to go with the flow.

Surpassing the continual wave of feelings of I'm not good enough, I move to the place within myself that says I'm going to explore this anyway, even if it is only me who appreciates it, that is good enough. Gee Jack, that's Handy.

InJoy, and if there is anyone reading this I would love to see what you have created!

Namaste,
Gaia El

Spring Snow

The days grow longer as winter turns to spring. On my travels, out for a walk, I soak up the sun, its warmth beating down on my shoulders, on the soft white skin of my beautiful goddess body. I breath in the smell of the freshly uncovered grass, the springs of water trickling through the mud. Along my walk I discover patches of snow that have not yet melted. I stop for a moment, walk over to a patch of snow, gently uncovering the top layers of the snow, I reach in to the clean, crisp, cold texture of the last remaining snow of the spring. Grabbing a handful, I squeeze it together making it a ball, its cold ice tingling all the nerves in my hands. I put the ice ball to my mouth, my tongue can taste the freshness. Ahhhh, fresh coolness of the snow. There is a distinct flavor that comes to me, reminding me of my childhood of going out as a little child, spending hours and hours and hours in the snow, playing, shoveling, creating snow structures, snowmen, submarines, eating icicles. The taste of the snow takes me to the heart of my inner child. Puts a smile on my face, it stops everything that I am doing and keeps me present in this moment. With that warm sun on my face, and the cool snow in my mouth, the crisp air to breath, I feel God. I feel Creation, Nature in this place in my body, nurturing my soul, slowing me down, bringing me into peace. Ahhhhhh yeah, mmmmm..... I find the quiet within as the birds sing around me, as the dogs run around and bark, wagging their tails, as the children explore the mud in the streams, I find this sovereign place of quiet. And though I am moving, I am so very still. So very still. Ahhhhh... gratitude. I return home once more. Mmmmmmm..... Namaste

Courage, Darling

Feeling invisible, the desire to be seen and acknowledged for my contributions became overwhelming, Misery. It was not my hatred I was feeling, yet, it is my hatred, as I am One with all.

I was looking for comfort, for someone to see me and say hi. It reminded me of a story in the newspaper of a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, committing suicide. When the officials went to his home, they found a note that said "If just one person says hi or smiles at me on my way to the bridge, I will not jump." 

I felt this and asked why I NEEDED someone else to reveal that I am seen. If you do say hi, will I even accept it? It's not enough for you to tell me that you love me. IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH!!! I have to open up to the praise and gratitude in my own heart, to listen to that which is God speaking within me, otherwise I won't be able to hear a word that you say. 

Sometimes I am consumed by my shadow, Sunstone, RA, depression, apathy, hibernation, retreat, guttural rage, lethargy...

Light and love is good and all, but there is also MUCH LOVE IN DARKNESS. I willingly open up and accept the journey of the dark, over and over and over, in order to know the light.

Why do people assume that just because I am sad that there is a problem? I am no longer in a constant quest to feel happy all the time. Melancholy is a part of the human experience too, I've stopped pretending that it is not. 

Maybe I'm in the midst of feeling your pain as well, the collective as my own, or the sadness of all the children and people being drugged up on medication and GMO'd food so they can be unfeeling production line slave zombies in society. Maybe I'm feeling the hunger of those that are completely malnourished in body, mind and spirit. Maybe I'm feeling the pressures of the force fed versions of what our bodies are supposed to look like in order to be perfect, in order to be loved. Maybe I'm feeling the RAPE of men, women, children, our Earth and souls, the lack of communication and the isolation from being a compassionate human being that keeps us in separation, competition and envy with our brothers and sisters. 

Yes, I cry a lot, there is so much love to feel in these sacred tears. So YES! Something is wrong, and something is right. If you cannot handle my tears, maybe it is because you are too afraid to look at your own tears, afraid of the unbearable pain that lurks in the shadows of what you hold on to in your own soul. Don't stop the tears from flowing! If you're on a plane, train, supermarket, playground, concert, sports game, homeless shelter, art class, school, party, with friends or all alone, let the tears go. 

Sometimes it takes courage, these beautiful tears not only cleanse your soul, but gives other people permission to feel safe to do the same for themselves. In witness and participation to this vulnerability there is much power. If you stop your tears, you are in fear of discovering what lies beneath the surface. If you try to help someone else stop their tears, sometimes you may think it is loving to  coddle or hug in an effort to make another "feel better", but this disguises your own fear and you take away their power to be authentic to their souls movement. If you allow someone else to stop your tears, you are afraid and are giving away your power instead of honoring your soul's true expression in the moment. 

We have all been on all sides of this at one point of our lives or another. The callousness that builds within us creates layers and layers of armor surrounding the heart, waiting to be broken through - maybe later. The cold hardened steel of your heart will become virtually impenetrable and completely isolated if you let it. The good news is there is always a crack, the crack in the dam that will allow a little bit of water to escape, eventually weakening the walls around the crack, exploding the dam open with the raging gush of flowing water. Every heart is capable and strong enough of feeling through the surrender, breaking, dying and being reinvigorated with the breath of new life, of human compassion because self love has been allowed in. 

Not to say cry as a victim with alligator tears and PRETEND you are feeling when you're just looking for attention. No, the path of sacred tears births maturity, responsibility, desire for the truth, humility to look at yourself honestly, your longing to be authentic, and the courage to actually take action. 

Find support, you may have to look outside your current circle of friends, but there are people who can help without judgment, who can hold space and teach you how to be self responsible. Who will be brutally honest because they hold themselves and you in love. Who can be gentle and ruthlessly compassionate. When we learn how to do this for ourselves, then we can do it for others... and what a remarkable way to see the world through these new eyes of the open heart and soul! 

It's ALWAYS the law of the mirror. Every single time. Yup, even then. This is Divine Selfishness, to recognize that it is all you. You are creating all of this. Your whole life revolves around the illusions and reality YOU have created. No one else. You. Time to be Divinely Selfish. If you tell a truth to someone, know it is your truth. Not that you shouldn't say it, because you might just find out a lot about who you really are by opening your mouth with others, but instead of blaming another, taking responsibility for where you are at in the perfectness of any moment. The only time it is not the law of the mirror, is when you have already been through it and can recognize it in you. But it's still the law of the mirror then, isn't it? Because it is you. Maybe it doesn't affect you like it once did because you have embraced the truth of the reflection into your very soul. 

Know yourself to know others. There is much freedom here. 

The only way through grief is to grieve. When I grieve, my prayer is “Please God, help me to feel it all”. It is not “Please God, make it go away”. Then in this space, Divine Love can enter and forgiveness is truly embraced. We don't need to be stuck for days, weeks, months or years grieving the same wound anymore, in the true depth of it all, we can learn to move through in hours, minutes, seconds, then in the moment of each breath.

Namaste,
Gaia El

Dane Cook on Crying ~ Supper Funny

However, the amazing creativity and expressions that come from vulnerability... a poem expressing what it feels like in the dark cavern of my soul... like Elton John sings, "Sad songs say so much"

I hate this fucking town
Driving me batshit mad
It's all fucking fucked
And I'm feeling so sad
There's no rest for the weary
Not a place for escape
Wrapped up pretty
To hide the dark and dreary
Shadows encapsulate the light
And light surrounds the dark
In a wicked dance back and forth
Vying, competing, fighting
For your soul
The wretched hand
Plunges into my soul
Twisting, turning, pulling
Everything our of control
Harpooned into numbness
Gasping for breath
Aching for attention
To be seen, really really seen
Heard and understood
The perfectness of barren land
Empties the scorned, detached heart
Solid in its numbness
Brilliant in its mask
Escaping from reality
Into the illusion
Playing the ego's victim
Fully to its extent
Misery seeks out company
Even now, naked
There is skin to hide behind
Melancholy sinks in and grabs hold
Extinguishing the spark of life
Lured in to the damp pit of darkness
Bathing in its cold shoulder
Melting into the heaviness of quick sand
Unable to move
Dumbfounded by hatred
Shut out from trust
Broken down to sit and rust
Burned by the taking
Greed, fear, envy
Deception worn by a clown
Sabotage plays its own role
Disconnecting from everything
Back into separation

March 28, 2013

Relating

Dark Shadows of the Heart

1/8/11

More and more Dakar and I come to realize that our quality of life improves when we are relating with people. Staying in, secluded, on our own is fine too, but we really find the most amount of change, of life living through us when we are in honest communication with people. This does not necessarily mean that I don’t enter into the casual “Hi” on the streets, but I find life much more fulfilling to immediately connect deeper with people.

I went to see a man once and he told me a very profound piece of advice that I had not been utilizing. We were talking about shallow conversations and the effectiveness of them. I found out that I liked being by myself more because I was uncomfortable in conversations that held no value for me. It sounds so simple, but he told me “In a conversation with two people, you have the opportunity to control 50% of the topic. If you don’t like what is being said, change the subject.” *Light Bulb* Duh!

So I find myself bring up subjects with people these days that start to dive deeper quickly. Sometimes I have amazing conversations that only last a few minutes, and sometimes I never hear from people again that do not share my perspective, and I am so okay with that! And other times, the cycle comes around again and I hear from people that have blown me off when they are ready to talk.

Blue Star Galaxy

In my ovary breathing tonight I stand naked in front of the moon and stars, closing my eyes and immediately see another nightscape, complete with its own dark sky, stars and moon. Two bright white statues, glowing like large Sphinx’s guarding this sacred space. Many, many shadow people show up in formation and are waiting for me to start leading them in the practice of ovary breathing.  I start the breath and we all connect our ovaries and testis with galactic space and the moonlight rays. I see the white light of energy run through the bodies of the beautiful shadow people, just as I feel it fun through mine. We pulse in unison, creating a powerful connection as ONE source pouring through us all. A dance of flowing energy on the edge of extasy as we move to the movement of the breath that wishes to breathe through us, Sphinx’s energize and glow even brighter, illuminating the dark, quiet night.

Lighting the candle of citrine, I remember to ask to manifest not only my desire to be clear within myself, but also for the desire to be in sacred union, relating and loving Dakar (and any person I am with even in casual conversation), praying for the healing of all sexual repressions.

I have been listening to more and more women admitting having sexual tension and loss of desire within themselves and their marriages. It seems so common, I wonder if we all have the same wounds to heal, or if they’re all different. If enough women do the work within themselves, can we really heal the collective of all humanity? Will all women and men benefit from only a percentage doing the work? My experience tells me that this is so, but with more and more people on the planet, more women and men need to join in the act of healing themselves, contributing to everyone!

I lay down in bed and placing my hands on my womb, I close my eyes and I am a vehicle, a transport device for the pearl galaxy in my womb. People gather round as my very large body turns transparent and this pearl rises up, revealing the galaxy within. I am floating out of my body, suspended, yet still present, then I drift to deep, comforting sleep as I remember Emily’s experience earlier today. At lunch she told me she felt funny, like she was riding in an elevator that dropped really fast. I showed her how to work on grounding herself, breathing the energy down her body, connecting her tailbone and feet into Mother Earth. She said she didn’t want to because she liked was happy to feel like she was floating around with the fairies!

Namaste,


Solar Eclipse of the Heart



Respect and Honor

1/7/11

 

How clean and crisp it felt to wake up to shimmering points on my crystalline grid sparkling…today is a day I am meant to stay in my womb, taking a step back, dropping into myself and patiently responding to the activities of the day.

I find a big piece of myself that is missing labeled as respect and honor. Nothing feels sacred. If sacredness hit me over the head, I’m not sure I would know what it was. I find that I am usually acknowledged by others in a quiet, private way. Is that a sign to stay and live my life low profile? To just be okay with being in contact with people I physically run into? Why do I feel I need to change on a global scale? 

For some reason I watched a video with Dakar about the massive way government is trying to control our lives. Where do we stand up as people and draw the line? What kinds of action can we take back? Do I continue to just work on changing myself and my perspectives, gaining freedom for my mind? I don’t feel like I am supposed to head up any kind of mass organization to stop the government, so I’ll continue to just be aware of myself, alone and with the masses as All One. I AM okay with that, just doing my part quietly for now.

I guess this is coming up for me because I feel like my voice is not heard or respected. Total mirror, I know. I feel like I don't respect myself because I feel like I’m not saying anything new. Everything I say has already been said, or at least, it feels like it has to me. Maybe that’s a good thing? If I say something that is old information to me, but new to someone else, then he or she can validate with some research, stumbling upon many examples of others sharing the same or similar viewpoint. Maybe I am a doorway to enter and walk through in order to be clear about the information that is being presented. Maybe I am just coming up with anything to ramble about, trying to assign a reason to validate anything and everything, placing meaning to something that is nothing. *Sigh* I don’t know…

Anyway, Dakar’s 2^nd cousin was getting married today, so we traveled to their wedding. I was excited that this was the first wedding I’ve been to in a LONG time that I could participate as a guest and enjoy, I didn’t have to work at all! It was tempting to fluff up some of the flower arrangements, and ask the photographers why they were shooting in a dark room with long, harsh shadow without a flash, but it wasn’t my job to do, so I kept my mouth shut and just had a great time! We visited with family we haven’t seen in a long time, played with the kids and I had fun watching my shy, sensitive son bust some moves on the dance floor! He was great – sliding on his knees and just movin and groovin!

One of the most important things I’ve noticed with my kids lately is how happy they are. Early in their life when we were both working, Dakar’s mom moved to town to help us out. I can clearly see how her influence, her love for the children, being and playing with them really gave them a solid foundation for their current happiness. I understand that having her here to serve this role was perfect as I know I wouldn’t have done such a good job. I couldn’t even be present with myself, and I know I wouldn’t have been as present with my kids – obviously, because I wasn’t. I am so grateful now though, that she was in our lives in this way to give the kids what they needed to be happy in growing. I created the opportunity to thank Dakar’s mom for all she did for us during that time when we saw her this weekend.

A big THANK YOU to all the mom’s and dad’s and caretaker’s out there who give everything you are to see that other’s are happy and well taken care of. The world is a beautiful and caring place because of you and your expressions of LOVE.

Namastute

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

1/6/11 

WOW! I figured how to check stats and saw over 1000 pageviews on my blog…I didn’t realize that many people were even reading it. Anyone wish to comment or share where you’re at? I would love to hear what you have to say, privately or publicly commenting. This journey is what I AM experiencing in the moments, but overall, I am open to connecting with you, with anyone who whishes to share themselves. Believe me, I know how scary that can be, but I also have experienced how rewarding this can be. The practices I do are my own soul’s way of clearing, you don’t have to follow my path, but I’m here to listen to your truth should you wish to share.

On this day of your life, Gaiel, we believe God wants you to know ... that your soul is always in communion with God. When you feel lost, or afraid, or sad, - feel into your soul to find the strength of Divine presence. I feel, witness and give thanks as the most beautiful golden body quietly sinks into me while I soak in the hot tub water all around me and listen to the lion’s roar…

After cleaning the house with a tremendous amount of joy (funny how I can do this when there is no one home), I sat and relaxed, and started reading the works of other people. I felt my muscles start to tighten up, face and teeth clenching as I became insecure with myself. I felt the flow of envy and downright jealousy course through me as I read such wonderful poetry. Instead of enjoying these expressions from another, my ego took over and I wanted this beauty for myself. Why can’t I write like them? My words seem to be just a recounting in a journal – a memory to write down that takes me from this moment and has me living in the past.

My bigger question, then, was why do I feel this way? Why can’t I just be okay with what is? Why do I continue to torment myself, critically judging and not fully loving me? I want to someday inspire others the way others have inspired me, but how can I do that when I am living in my own muck? I guess not all inspiration has to come from the lightness of fairies, but maybe that is what I am drawn to, the beautiful wonderment of it all because that is what I need to work on the most.

Maybe I have no big epiphany inside of me to share with the world. Maybe I’m meant to just create the self sustaining lifestyle Dakar and I have been feeling and talking about for years, and be okay with just living. Maybe that’s an excuse to not do anything…

“My hero’s had the heart to live their lives out on a limb

And all I can remember, is thinking, I want to be like them”

~ Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

I seem to borrow lyrics, quotes and inspirations from others until I find my own. Does it make it right or wrong that I would recognize beauty from others and fit them into my puzzle? Does that make me any less that I don’t recognize my own beauty first? Six days into this cleanse and my head has gone kaput!!!

Tonight’s ovary breathing brings back the beautiful golden energy from earlier, pouring into the cells of my body with intense heat, a soft, melting fire burning away anything in its way that is keeping the light from entering me. I can feel the heat flare up again in my ovaries as I realize that my misunderstandings and confusion of myself, the different opinions and people in all of their glory are what makes this world so beautiful!

What if everybody’s favorite color was red? Then the whole world would only be red. But what if Suzy brought her favorite color red, Johnny brought his favorite color orange, Sarah brought yellow, Dustin came with green, Tommy brought blue, Emily brought indigo and I came with violet (and so on…) then we would gather with all the colors and the world would not be just red. This is what makes the world so amazing, different opinions add color to our lives. So embrace the rainbow and your world will always be colorful, or don’t, and see what you see. The monotonous sea of red, perhaps? Uniformity? Everyone is the same? What do you like better? If we were all the same, some of us would be irrelevant…but we are all expressions of God, living out different experiences through each and everyone of us. That makes none of us irrelevant, so it is just me that makes myself feel so.

Dakar asks me if there is anything he can do to help me remove some more bricks from my wall. We talk about compassion, and how we’ve been behaving toward one another, venting and walking ourselves through the shadows.

I had read a story earlier online about the wrong house being demolished. What? How does that happen? You can’t just go demolish a house or building without doing the proper prep work. You have to turn off gas and power, remove windows, make sure the house is empty with no one is home, make sure it is the right address! Dakar and I discussed how this was similar to the walls we build around our own selves, the walls around our heart’s. The proper prep work must be done before we can come in and bulldoze these walls over. Or else what? The lifetimes of trauma, victim consciousness and misunderstandings will just go away?

Does the left hand need to know what the right hand is doing? Why is this important? Maybe to clearly communicate, achieving balance and clarity, less confusion? To be in harmonious flow vs. chaos, frustration, distractions and inefficient time consuming emotions? Am I trying to be too reasonable, justifying why I feel like I’m moving so slowly? Why can’t we just wipe the slate clean, demolish the walls without doing the prep work? Will we recreate the walls if we don’t know why they were placed there in the first place? Will the walls stay down exposing a vulnerable heart if we remove the bricks piece by peace with love and consciousness, forgiving ourselves for each brick along the way?

 

In the ups and downs of just watching myself in life I see moments of some days that are just joyful. Other times when I feel my shadow very present, I try to dive into the emotions that come up so that I may be clear of them. Sometimes it looks like I am just focusing on the shadow aspects of my self, but I feel writing through them helps me to acknowledge and let them go. Of course, it also helps me to see where I am not profoundly living every moment of happiness and joy, not fully experiencing the light that is also coming in. In all the digging and excavation within myself, I get so serious that I forget to play, to just be happy, and when I do play, I am not always happy because I’m thinking of what work I need to keep doing, I’m not clear yet…I need to lighten up, stop trying so hard!  

"Who Cares?"

Basically I'm complicated

I have a hard time taking the easy way

I wouldn't call it schizophrenia

But I'll be at least 2 people today

If that's okay

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

It's deep how you can be so shallow

And I'm afraid cause I have no fear

And I didn't believe in magic

Until I watched you disappear

I wish you were here

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

You see, everybody is somebody

But nobody wants to be themselves

And If I ever wanted to understand me

I'll have to talk to someone else

Cause every little bit helps

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

Feels like... the surreal life

But it's still nice

Wish I could live twice

But I still might

If these bones heal right

I see a little light

Even though it's still night

Feels like... the surreal life

But its still nice

Wish I could live twice

But I still might

If these bones heal right

I see a little light

Even though it's still night

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

Namaste