Some people ask me how I can steadily
remain so positive and happy. I would have to say that while I am a
wildly optimistic woman by nature, I am happy because I know how to allow myself to cry. I was reminded this morning about the depth of the grief I have
felt, even though each wave of grief I have moved through seems like it was lifetimes ago. I don't try to
suppress the tears anymore, and when an emotion arises, I am
comfortable enough in my self-love to give myself permission to stop
what I am doing and be with my feelings. This could be anywhere. It
was a challenge when I first embarked on the journey to desire the
absolute truth of my soul to not feel embarrassed about crying in the
middle of a store, or dropping to my knees in public and kissing the
ground that I walk upon in gratitude because that is what the
emotional presence called for.
My journey as a homeless woman I chose
to go on for 40 days ingrained so much deep gratitude and trust in
God, that no matter who is around watching, it doesn't matter. I
worked through a lot of my fear of being judged. I tried things in
front of complete strangers that I would not have dared to do before.
There were days where I would be walking along and I would get the
urge (much like the force that moved through me up on top of the
mountains of Chamonix) to drop to my knees and kiss the very ground I
was walking upon in gratitude. People saw me, but didn't say
anything. I saw heads turn, and could energetically feel puzzlement
from others, but it ceased to matter. I took my chances of looking
crazy, like really insane off the cliff crazy, over and over and over
again. And over and over again I would be rewarded with the flood of
Divine Love entering me, holding me in what feels like a full bodied
orgasm of expansion where my heart could literally explode, filling
me up with indescribable feelings, holding me in a purity of innocent
infinite, that even the words “Unconditional Love” falls short of
explaining accurately.
On most of my homeless journey, I
continually tested my resolve to remain acutely aware of everything I
was feeling, and to move through as many fears as I could that
surfaced. While I checked in with a group of friends who supported
me, I made all my choices, and I was the one who had to commit and
take action to consciously move through it. I had made a continually
growing list of all the things I was afraid of, and kept doing them.
One day I was feeing it right to move
through my fear of making a dramatic scene in public. I was guided by
my spirit guides and the way of my womb to go into a major
electronics store, dock my ipod into one of the speaker systems on
display, and proceed to practice an hour of AB-BA* yoga in the aisle.
I hopped onto a public bus and told myself I would let it guide me to
where I needed to be that day, hoping it would take me way out of the
path so I could avoid actually acting on this spiritual guidance. A
few minutes later, and the bus stopped directly outside of a Best Buy
electronics store. Darn! I took it as a sign that this is what I was
meant to do, and I got off the bus. With a deep breath, I started to
walk across the parking lot, and the song I was listening to by my
favorite band (U2 ~ Original of the Species) was so appropriate. It
was like the hand of God Himself was directing my every move!
Then
the words:
“Come on sugar
Show me your SOUL
You've been keeping your LOVE
Under control...”
completely gutted my soul with their
power and significance. I stopped dead in my tracks, feeling the
intensity of the moment I was creating, of the way I hide from
myself, from God, from life. Feeling a tremendous amount of fear,
doubt, self judgment, and my shadow trying to remain in “control”,
I tried to talk myself out of it while I took another step, then
another and another toward the store anyway. Upon walking into the
store, I found my bowels ready to make a scene, so I practically ran
to the bathroom and released my initial fear physically into the
toilet. So my gut was feeing better, but I was sweaty, with
overwhelming nerves of fear crawling through every cell of my body. I
slowly made it to the speaker section, docked my ipod and turned the
volume up. I stood there and prayed, and then, with the music and a
deep breath, I began to practice devotional yoga. In every moment I
was thinking I was going to get kicked out of the store. That they
would call the police and I would be arrested for making a scene.
Know what happened? Absolutely NOTHING! During the course of an hour,
yes, a full hour! I practiced my yoga, with my knee-high rainbow
socks and mismatched clothes, sweaty internal guilt complex and
monkey mind, and nothing whatsoever external happened. At all. Three
store employees came during the course of the hour to see if they
could answer any questions about electronics for me, when I said
“no”, they just walked away. Some customers gazed at me for a
bit, then also moved on. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock! This
experience that I had created so much fear and significance in my
mind around, was trivial to others, barely a drop in the water. I
dropped to the floor in surrendered grief, and cried and cried right
there in the aisle. Again I was left alone. Thank God! I did not want
to be coddled, or “rescued” aka “suppressed” from feeling
these feelings, or have anyone hold me and tell me it would be okay,
for I was feeling the amazing realization that I alone was creating
everything in my own life.
When I step up to the plate, in
whatever way that looks for me, in deep desire and reverence to God,
to my self-awareness, and in the willingness to take action to
overcome anything in Love, He will create the space for me. She will
hold me and conspire to immediately shift absolutely everything in my
life so that I may freely give myself to Her majesty. Whether you
personally believe in God or not, this is what I believe, what I
feel, and the force of the Creator of my soul that I surrender to. Oh
hallelujah!
We each experience, or have the
opportunities to continually experience this in our own unique ways.
What worked for me will be different for you, we all find our own way
with courage, desire, commitment and perseverance. The reward I felt
walking out of the store, was a sense of knowing that God holds me in
complete Love. I floated out of the store, stopping to silently
witness and thank all the people, angels, and space that was created
for me to move through this experience. I felt the kind of gratitude
burning through me that painfully rips my heart and soul open, that
moves me to tears, feeling the utopia of original innocence where
there has never been any wounding. Where there is only Love, where
there is only One. In this space, I feel my body vessel as the light,
as the messenger, and the mere act of me looking into someone else's
eyes, or a simple touch on the skin, or even just the acknowledgement
of their true souls, I give back, for I cannot contain this love for
just myself, it has to be shared. I don't think about it, or try to
seek out helping others, I just know it is a gift that radiates its
pure essence to whomever I happen to cross paths with.
Looking back, I find it funny and
trivial. THAT is what I was afraid of? Someone kicking me out of the
store for behaving inappropriately? Of course, that was just the
surface fear. The underlying core of the fear is not allowing myself
to behave in whatever manner that is right for my soul's journey
because of my fear of being judged, condemned, labeled, persecuted,
isolated, etc. So taking the action to put myself in the train's
path, helped me move through it in one huge go, without undergoing
years of justified therapy to “talk” my way through my fears.
Just do it, then it's done! There are worldly laws to be adhered to,
however, like I wouldn't jump out of an airplane without a parachute
just to see if I could fly! Nor would I intentionally put myself or
anyone else in obvious physical danger or harm to themselves. (I
guess even this could be viewed as a judgment, for what feels safe to
me, might feel dangerous to others, and vice versa. So I actually
have put myself in “perceived” danger, but using the guidance of
my desire for truth, my womb has always placed me in the experiences
that are most valuable to my soul journey.)
It used to take large acts of courage
and commitment such as this, and it still does to some extent
(writing and putting together this book is another huge commitment to
moving through my fear of creating something I once previously
imagined larger than myself), continual leaps of faith, but now the
fears don't rule my life. My fears do continually present themselves
into my awareness, but most of them feel so small anymore that fear
does not grip me into life inhibiting paralysis.
(Turns out it was a Friday the 13th,
and I heard people in the store shrug off my unusual behavior to the
moon and the crazy people Friday the 13th brings out in
people.)
* Not your typical asana yoga,
this yoga is one of Devotion, where postures are held for up to 12
minutes at a time, praying, emotional tears have a tendency to build
and gush out in reverence for our Creator and in gratitude for life
itself. It helps to feel so completely alive and in reverence of our
own bodies. (stay tuned as I'll be posting on my website a guided video to AB BA yoga).
Namaste
