This year has been pretty rough on many levels for me, especially when it comes to relationships where I prefer to be quite introverted. I like to do my work quietly and behind the scenes, knowing that bold appreciation and building a following is not really who I am. My fear is that I'll have to engage everyone, then I won't have any time for myself, in the quiet solitude I've grown so fond of, because I've given all my time to others.
The hammers have been out in brute force, and I see all the happy Facebook people with snippets of their marvelous lives and wonder, "I have done and am continually doing my work, where has my joy gone? Why am I more miserable this year? Why am I so happy working my passion in bodywork, child caring and introspective healing, then grumpy when I'm not working?" I've survived by giving all of who I am over and over and over, but the pleasure is still temporary. My relationship with my children is better than ever, as I have embraced child whispering and fully accept them for the people they are without trying to control them into little mini-me's. I married a beautiful man who I love and hate seemingly at the same time. I know all you new-agers will say "You can either love or hate, but not both at the same time." I've experienced it this way, and I understand what is being referred to when you say this, but for me, it's applicable. The hate really stems from places in me where I still berate myself for not being the perfect person. I can tell what Truth is, I can express the holistic rage storming through me, and love the rage at the same time. It feels really good to not cover up any emotional expression.
In and out of the roller coaster I have danced this year, believing lasting joy should be my default. But no, life would play out a different way this time. It might seem odd to interject that even though a great deal of suffering and upheaval have played out, I actually feel quite peaceful in a lot of ways. Not very many things upset me, and the flow of life is quite magical. Sounds like my life is an oxymoron, but it's true.
I struggled to find the answer to what I'm feeling, and the start of a new realization happened one day a few weeks ago . A FB friend A.L. publicly confessed how he was feeling. His life consists of helping people to discover their authenticity, and yet he was still feeling his own sinking depression, not knowing why. I felt so close to him in this moment, even though we've never met face to face. I was feeling the same thing. Among the hundreds of replies, one of his friends suggested that the onset of this hard time was because he was finally strong enough to hold Depression in the space and Love that it truly deserved to be heard, felt and embraced.
Silence ----- Hmmmm---- Slap of realization in my face.
THIS WAS THE ANSWER! I knew it to be true. All the ups and downs of this year, of my grandfather passing and the patriarchal paradigm of our family letting loose and dissolving was finally being set free. I was finally in a space to hold all of this, though it's taken a toll on my physical health, all the magic is slowly and tenaciously sorting itself out and we're shifting through it with arms-wide-open embrace and meeting it head on, not by ignoring it and trying to transmute the lessons before it is time.
As all of this was sinking in, I found myself pondering the aggression I have toward my husband. Our relationship started only three and a half years ago, but already feels like a lifetime. He has been on the receiving end of my suppressed anger toward the masculine. I thought that I was already over that, but reality shows me that I've been carrying a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness toward him. Sure, he has his part to play as well, but I can do what I can about myself only, and see what happens between us.
Much to my dismay, the message came through quite LOUD and CLEAR that "What if your husband is already enough? What if you are going through this next Hell time in your life because he IS strong enough to hold the foundational space for this. What if he's already being a King and you just cannot or refuse to see it?" OH MY! Every ounce of aggression and fiercely independent woman of my bones and body cried out in painful agony that this cannot be true. "NO WAY" I shouted in the car as I was driving alone. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Why? Because this takes away from my control. This shows me that I am not isolated and alone which I prefer as an introvert, but not as a wound. This shows me that I am not being humble, or loving. This shows me so many contradictions of how I was raised to be independent, think for myself, to be self-reliant. Sure, I believe I've already shifted to God-reliance, how else could this belief hit me in my face on my own? Oh no, I ask, I pray for the truth all the time. And I am gratefully rewarded with it, even if it does piss me off first.
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| Gloria Steinem |
Brian Klemmer, founder of Klemmer and Associates would tend to say
"The truth is often harsh, but always fair."
"The truth is often harsh, but always fair."
So I've been really sitting with this, and though I find I have massive tendrils of resistance and resentment, I know that (through the grace of God) I will eventually soften these threads that keep me in misery so that I can live in a more loving partnership - however much that scares me, no more in a co-dependent wound-ship (a term one of my closest soul sister's and I coined as we realized in Truth how our friendship really showed up with each other.)
In my quest to soften, of course certain superficial things still trigger me, and I watch myself react or respond. My hormonal imbalance helps to really elevate aggression, and I have to understand regret, rather than self-bashing or berate myself all the time. I spoke of these feelings with my darling soul sister, of how I didn't feel I was being respected for my contributions in our marriage, and I could find countless other women and men to agree with me, justifying that my way was right... but that wasn't solving any problems, it was only creating more resentment and man-bashing. I couldn't hear what my husband was really saying, heck, I couldn't even see him as a man. I saw him as a "Misbehaving, hairy woman" as The Queen's Code would suggest.
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The Queen's Code showed up at (of course) the perfect time. I was ready beyond any shadow of a doubt to shift my beliefs as I really don't care to condone this behavior. I saw how I was teaching my daughter to be mean to men, to tease them and take them for being dumber then women. She doesn't know how much I really do love my husband underneath all the veils, because on the surface I've been showing up in a way that breeds more disdain. So I dove in, full on. I normally cannot stand to read ebooks - the blue light hurts my eyes and gives me headaches, but after I read the first chapter of The Queen's Code, I knew I couldn't wait for a printed copy. I had to download it and start reading right away. In just a few days, the 8 short chapters had been read, digested, I'm still doing my homework with it, took notes, and really faced where and how I am showing up regarding my relationship with men... realizing I did the same thing with my ex-husband as well!
A lifetime of learning that as a woman I must be strong, independent and self -sufficient has me emasculating men, thinking I can do better as a man and a woman. My dad always made sure we girls could think for ourselves, but in an all or nothing approach to life, and without this education, I perhaps took it too far. I was wrong and I value our relationships. I'm sorry.
So here I am, realizing that I have been "Frog Farming" turning Princes and would be Kings back into frogs by not really seeing or fully knowing how to speak the language of men. You can bet that there is still resistance in me, I can see it and feel it rear it's gigantic head in many areas of my life. But I can also be sure that my Holy Desire to change and realize the truth of the Love I really am holds much more weight then feeling small, weak and unworthy. There's no doubt in my mind or heart that my paradigm is already shifting, and will continue to do so until I heal, feel and fully embrace my true feminine again.
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Which has me questioning the role of Disney movies. For a long time, the Heroic Man would always save the princess, and she would be indebted to him forever. Now, we're seeing a trend of the woman standing up and proclaiming "I can do it myself!" How are we supposed to work in partnership with each other if we're always competing and unwilling to accept the magical roles and ways we can enhance each other's lives, rather than castrate, emasculate, shame and defame one another?
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Finally for now, I can see how I have to keep playing small if I am self-reliant. If I'm too proud, scared or unwilling to ask others for help, then I cannot play bigger, because I would need help to reach outside of my own little world. OUCH.
Rhodochrosite and Amber are two of The Liquid Crystals that help with self love, empowerment, and re-discovering the Joy in life once more.
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| Rhodochrosite |
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| Amber |
How do relationships show up for you? I would love your feedback, your story, your transformations... as learning from you enhances my experiences and life. I am ever grateful.
As always, any way I can be in service with your transformations, please contact me at www.souljourneyswithgaia.com
Namaste
Gaia
Beautiful Gail. The "authentic" expression of your experience, from "this is what I was certain was true", to "this is what I now realize" is so-oo refreshing to me. There is so much of what we refer to as "teaching" out there. To me....THIS is the "CRYSTAL" of teaching. The example of SELF LOVE in the RAW, organic, authentic journey.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going to comment re: my relationship with "men", and maybe that will flow in, but you see what did pop up first. My relationship with authentic expression....:-).
Your entire sharing, then icing on the cake re: Self Love, Rhodochrosite, certainly stirred up what I'm about. My Name Trinity: Shadow-SILENCE - Chysocolla, Life Purpose-SELF LOVE, Higher Purpose-ANGELIC MESSENGER -Tanzanite. So, any wonder your art of expression lands as "priceless" in me as a BEING.
I totally relate to "wound-ships", and regarding men....I created a man that was emotionally and sexually unavailable, but has always been the steady provider in our paring. I'm double Sag, so I have two pair of Rose colored classes, and have worn them adamantly, thru thick and thin.
As I became strong enough to "hold" and "be with, thru transmission", this energy....I developed diabetes, and under active thyroid. Yes I can now finally fully see that under my beautiful rose colored classes, I had buried my gift of expression, and how I really felt about my life, husband in first place. Bitter and resentful. First step for me climbing out of that grave, was being able to truly "listen/hear myself with compassion". I met a mentor names Pia Maria Savela who is a BEING who could both HOLD me and had the COMPASSION to show me how that was done. Shiva/Shakti UNION.
Every day I ask..."what desires to be known to me", and every day something is unveiled. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly. Every thing that is re veiled proves to be priceless, even when it hurts first.
I am so grateful for your blog, Gail. Keep it coming. I love you.