Relating

Dark Shadows of the Heart

1/8/11

More and more Dakar and I come to realize that our quality of life improves when we are relating with people. Staying in, secluded, on our own is fine too, but we really find the most amount of change, of life living through us when we are in honest communication with people. This does not necessarily mean that I don’t enter into the casual “Hi” on the streets, but I find life much more fulfilling to immediately connect deeper with people.

I went to see a man once and he told me a very profound piece of advice that I had not been utilizing. We were talking about shallow conversations and the effectiveness of them. I found out that I liked being by myself more because I was uncomfortable in conversations that held no value for me. It sounds so simple, but he told me “In a conversation with two people, you have the opportunity to control 50% of the topic. If you don’t like what is being said, change the subject.” *Light Bulb* Duh!

So I find myself bring up subjects with people these days that start to dive deeper quickly. Sometimes I have amazing conversations that only last a few minutes, and sometimes I never hear from people again that do not share my perspective, and I am so okay with that! And other times, the cycle comes around again and I hear from people that have blown me off when they are ready to talk.

Blue Star Galaxy

In my ovary breathing tonight I stand naked in front of the moon and stars, closing my eyes and immediately see another nightscape, complete with its own dark sky, stars and moon. Two bright white statues, glowing like large Sphinx’s guarding this sacred space. Many, many shadow people show up in formation and are waiting for me to start leading them in the practice of ovary breathing.  I start the breath and we all connect our ovaries and testis with galactic space and the moonlight rays. I see the white light of energy run through the bodies of the beautiful shadow people, just as I feel it fun through mine. We pulse in unison, creating a powerful connection as ONE source pouring through us all. A dance of flowing energy on the edge of extasy as we move to the movement of the breath that wishes to breathe through us, Sphinx’s energize and glow even brighter, illuminating the dark, quiet night.

Lighting the candle of citrine, I remember to ask to manifest not only my desire to be clear within myself, but also for the desire to be in sacred union, relating and loving Dakar (and any person I am with even in casual conversation), praying for the healing of all sexual repressions.

I have been listening to more and more women admitting having sexual tension and loss of desire within themselves and their marriages. It seems so common, I wonder if we all have the same wounds to heal, or if they’re all different. If enough women do the work within themselves, can we really heal the collective of all humanity? Will all women and men benefit from only a percentage doing the work? My experience tells me that this is so, but with more and more people on the planet, more women and men need to join in the act of healing themselves, contributing to everyone!

I lay down in bed and placing my hands on my womb, I close my eyes and I am a vehicle, a transport device for the pearl galaxy in my womb. People gather round as my very large body turns transparent and this pearl rises up, revealing the galaxy within. I am floating out of my body, suspended, yet still present, then I drift to deep, comforting sleep as I remember Emily’s experience earlier today. At lunch she told me she felt funny, like she was riding in an elevator that dropped really fast. I showed her how to work on grounding herself, breathing the energy down her body, connecting her tailbone and feet into Mother Earth. She said she didn’t want to because she liked was happy to feel like she was floating around with the fairies!

Namaste,


Solar Eclipse of the Heart



Respect and Honor

1/7/11

 

How clean and crisp it felt to wake up to shimmering points on my crystalline grid sparkling…today is a day I am meant to stay in my womb, taking a step back, dropping into myself and patiently responding to the activities of the day.

I find a big piece of myself that is missing labeled as respect and honor. Nothing feels sacred. If sacredness hit me over the head, I’m not sure I would know what it was. I find that I am usually acknowledged by others in a quiet, private way. Is that a sign to stay and live my life low profile? To just be okay with being in contact with people I physically run into? Why do I feel I need to change on a global scale? 

For some reason I watched a video with Dakar about the massive way government is trying to control our lives. Where do we stand up as people and draw the line? What kinds of action can we take back? Do I continue to just work on changing myself and my perspectives, gaining freedom for my mind? I don’t feel like I am supposed to head up any kind of mass organization to stop the government, so I’ll continue to just be aware of myself, alone and with the masses as All One. I AM okay with that, just doing my part quietly for now.

I guess this is coming up for me because I feel like my voice is not heard or respected. Total mirror, I know. I feel like I don't respect myself because I feel like I’m not saying anything new. Everything I say has already been said, or at least, it feels like it has to me. Maybe that’s a good thing? If I say something that is old information to me, but new to someone else, then he or she can validate with some research, stumbling upon many examples of others sharing the same or similar viewpoint. Maybe I am a doorway to enter and walk through in order to be clear about the information that is being presented. Maybe I am just coming up with anything to ramble about, trying to assign a reason to validate anything and everything, placing meaning to something that is nothing. *Sigh* I don’t know…

Anyway, Dakar’s 2^nd cousin was getting married today, so we traveled to their wedding. I was excited that this was the first wedding I’ve been to in a LONG time that I could participate as a guest and enjoy, I didn’t have to work at all! It was tempting to fluff up some of the flower arrangements, and ask the photographers why they were shooting in a dark room with long, harsh shadow without a flash, but it wasn’t my job to do, so I kept my mouth shut and just had a great time! We visited with family we haven’t seen in a long time, played with the kids and I had fun watching my shy, sensitive son bust some moves on the dance floor! He was great – sliding on his knees and just movin and groovin!

One of the most important things I’ve noticed with my kids lately is how happy they are. Early in their life when we were both working, Dakar’s mom moved to town to help us out. I can clearly see how her influence, her love for the children, being and playing with them really gave them a solid foundation for their current happiness. I understand that having her here to serve this role was perfect as I know I wouldn’t have done such a good job. I couldn’t even be present with myself, and I know I wouldn’t have been as present with my kids – obviously, because I wasn’t. I am so grateful now though, that she was in our lives in this way to give the kids what they needed to be happy in growing. I created the opportunity to thank Dakar’s mom for all she did for us during that time when we saw her this weekend.

A big THANK YOU to all the mom’s and dad’s and caretaker’s out there who give everything you are to see that other’s are happy and well taken care of. The world is a beautiful and caring place because of you and your expressions of LOVE.

Namastute

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

1/6/11 

WOW! I figured how to check stats and saw over 1000 pageviews on my blog…I didn’t realize that many people were even reading it. Anyone wish to comment or share where you’re at? I would love to hear what you have to say, privately or publicly commenting. This journey is what I AM experiencing in the moments, but overall, I am open to connecting with you, with anyone who whishes to share themselves. Believe me, I know how scary that can be, but I also have experienced how rewarding this can be. The practices I do are my own soul’s way of clearing, you don’t have to follow my path, but I’m here to listen to your truth should you wish to share.

On this day of your life, Gaiel, we believe God wants you to know ... that your soul is always in communion with God. When you feel lost, or afraid, or sad, - feel into your soul to find the strength of Divine presence. I feel, witness and give thanks as the most beautiful golden body quietly sinks into me while I soak in the hot tub water all around me and listen to the lion’s roar…

After cleaning the house with a tremendous amount of joy (funny how I can do this when there is no one home), I sat and relaxed, and started reading the works of other people. I felt my muscles start to tighten up, face and teeth clenching as I became insecure with myself. I felt the flow of envy and downright jealousy course through me as I read such wonderful poetry. Instead of enjoying these expressions from another, my ego took over and I wanted this beauty for myself. Why can’t I write like them? My words seem to be just a recounting in a journal – a memory to write down that takes me from this moment and has me living in the past.

My bigger question, then, was why do I feel this way? Why can’t I just be okay with what is? Why do I continue to torment myself, critically judging and not fully loving me? I want to someday inspire others the way others have inspired me, but how can I do that when I am living in my own muck? I guess not all inspiration has to come from the lightness of fairies, but maybe that is what I am drawn to, the beautiful wonderment of it all because that is what I need to work on the most.

Maybe I have no big epiphany inside of me to share with the world. Maybe I’m meant to just create the self sustaining lifestyle Dakar and I have been feeling and talking about for years, and be okay with just living. Maybe that’s an excuse to not do anything…

“My hero’s had the heart to live their lives out on a limb

And all I can remember, is thinking, I want to be like them”

~ Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

I seem to borrow lyrics, quotes and inspirations from others until I find my own. Does it make it right or wrong that I would recognize beauty from others and fit them into my puzzle? Does that make me any less that I don’t recognize my own beauty first? Six days into this cleanse and my head has gone kaput!!!

Tonight’s ovary breathing brings back the beautiful golden energy from earlier, pouring into the cells of my body with intense heat, a soft, melting fire burning away anything in its way that is keeping the light from entering me. I can feel the heat flare up again in my ovaries as I realize that my misunderstandings and confusion of myself, the different opinions and people in all of their glory are what makes this world so beautiful!

What if everybody’s favorite color was red? Then the whole world would only be red. But what if Suzy brought her favorite color red, Johnny brought his favorite color orange, Sarah brought yellow, Dustin came with green, Tommy brought blue, Emily brought indigo and I came with violet (and so on…) then we would gather with all the colors and the world would not be just red. This is what makes the world so amazing, different opinions add color to our lives. So embrace the rainbow and your world will always be colorful, or don’t, and see what you see. The monotonous sea of red, perhaps? Uniformity? Everyone is the same? What do you like better? If we were all the same, some of us would be irrelevant…but we are all expressions of God, living out different experiences through each and everyone of us. That makes none of us irrelevant, so it is just me that makes myself feel so.

Dakar asks me if there is anything he can do to help me remove some more bricks from my wall. We talk about compassion, and how we’ve been behaving toward one another, venting and walking ourselves through the shadows.

I had read a story earlier online about the wrong house being demolished. What? How does that happen? You can’t just go demolish a house or building without doing the proper prep work. You have to turn off gas and power, remove windows, make sure the house is empty with no one is home, make sure it is the right address! Dakar and I discussed how this was similar to the walls we build around our own selves, the walls around our heart’s. The proper prep work must be done before we can come in and bulldoze these walls over. Or else what? The lifetimes of trauma, victim consciousness and misunderstandings will just go away?

Does the left hand need to know what the right hand is doing? Why is this important? Maybe to clearly communicate, achieving balance and clarity, less confusion? To be in harmonious flow vs. chaos, frustration, distractions and inefficient time consuming emotions? Am I trying to be too reasonable, justifying why I feel like I’m moving so slowly? Why can’t we just wipe the slate clean, demolish the walls without doing the prep work? Will we recreate the walls if we don’t know why they were placed there in the first place? Will the walls stay down exposing a vulnerable heart if we remove the bricks piece by peace with love and consciousness, forgiving ourselves for each brick along the way?

 

In the ups and downs of just watching myself in life I see moments of some days that are just joyful. Other times when I feel my shadow very present, I try to dive into the emotions that come up so that I may be clear of them. Sometimes it looks like I am just focusing on the shadow aspects of my self, but I feel writing through them helps me to acknowledge and let them go. Of course, it also helps me to see where I am not profoundly living every moment of happiness and joy, not fully experiencing the light that is also coming in. In all the digging and excavation within myself, I get so serious that I forget to play, to just be happy, and when I do play, I am not always happy because I’m thinking of what work I need to keep doing, I’m not clear yet…I need to lighten up, stop trying so hard!  

"Who Cares?"

Basically I'm complicated

I have a hard time taking the easy way

I wouldn't call it schizophrenia

But I'll be at least 2 people today

If that's okay

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

It's deep how you can be so shallow

And I'm afraid cause I have no fear

And I didn't believe in magic

Until I watched you disappear

I wish you were here

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

You see, everybody is somebody

But nobody wants to be themselves

And If I ever wanted to understand me

I'll have to talk to someone else

Cause every little bit helps

And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?

Feels like... the surreal life

But it's still nice

Wish I could live twice

But I still might

If these bones heal right

I see a little light

Even though it's still night

Feels like... the surreal life

But its still nice

Wish I could live twice

But I still might

If these bones heal right

I see a little light

Even though it's still night

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

Namaste

Revitalization Processing

http://www.munchinmonkey.com/

1/5/11

Ahhhh….5 days in to a Master Cleanse, less 10 pounds and a world of grime! Love the cleanses! I really enjoy being healthy, and do what I can to stay that way. Today is a day of freshness, rejuvenation, grounding and cleaning, and taking care of Dakar who is still suffering with his hemorrhoids. I love the realization every time I journey on an extended fast or cleanse how much food is a habit. How much time is spent shopping, preparing and consuming food. Our bodies don’t need much to survive, yet too often (especially Americans) we over indulge and over consume – most likely to make up for something that is lacking internally.

Of course, food is a wonderful opportunity to be creative, figure out different ways of playing with our Mother’s bounty. How many different types of salads can I make, how many ways? And, of course, the social aspect of food, sitting down with friends and family, or even alone, sharing a conversation, contemplating or eating in silence…all make up reasons to put so much time and effort into our foods.

When we prepare food, we have a reminder to put LOVE in as the first ingredient. One time I remember my daughter whispering to me “I don’t think daddy put LOVE in this salad.” I asked her why she thinks that. She said “Because I don’t feel LOVE when I eat it.”

I still have piles and boxes of paperwork to go through from the business. I am excited because I am finding I can BURN most of it, keeping only the papers I need for taxes, etc., seems I have to be more careful about crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s!

Cleaned up Xmas tonight, less now than ever, making a new yard sale pile – way bigger than the keep pile! Feels great to continue to get rid of the clutter, consolidate and make more space.

I believe I LOVE Michael Ruppert! Collapse – mmmmm….right on! “Infinite growth with finite energy.”

DJ and Emily were fighting, yelling and really hurting each other. For a moment, I felt like I should be meaner, yell at them or do something drastic to get their attention. I realized that moment was out of old habit. I really didn’t want to “be mean” and stood there, breathing into my womb and wondering what I should do. Turns out their discipline tonight was to write a page on their feelings of why they were behaving this way toward one another. Good experience for all of us! We were able to talk about what was happening at school, bullying, teasing, tattling, hurt feelings and what we could do to be responsible about the way we feel. A spread of emotions were carried out, and in the end, according to our boy, Dakar and I are just lame. Well, I’m not going to deny him his feelings after all – so lame is okay – especially coming from a boy who was recently moved up to the top of his class in Math and English. (***Proud Mom***)

OB immediately I’m standing in a dark room, ceremonial dress on, loose, flowing, silky dress, long to the ground, draping over me like a princess or goddess. Scores of people surround in ceremony, I am in the center. I look up and am handed a bright, glowing orb, large, in this moment I realize I am fully supported. I watch as my breath flows through, fiery and crystalline through my ob channel. I am looking in a mirror and at the same time watching and experiencing all of it. I look out to the stars in the dark sky tonight, warm from the heat inside of me and appreciate the contrast of the fire inside and the ice cold snow outside…just then a shooting star graces the night sky. Not trying to make it mean anything, I just silently smile and breathe, watching, listening.

Namaste

Tasting LOVE

1/4/11

Cell food, eyebrows waxed, a bit of pampering, colonic and massage appts, taking better care of my skin and body. Only with fresh and renewed intensity will I continue to change myself. No half-assed laziness will change me. I get this jolt whenever I detoxify my body, and though I tend to take it easy during the cleanse, I always feel better after the third day. This time it was after two days that the headaches, sweating and nausea went away. I keep going because I know I’m not finished yet. It’s not about completing a certain number of days, but being in tune with my body to know when she says to keep going, or we're ready to stop.

Setting a goal is helpful to start, but having the flexibility to change it along the way is the best way to stay in my truth. Some might say that is lack of commitment, maybe for them, but my lack of commitment shows up when I stop, not when I change a bit along the way. If I set out with a goal to walk from point A to point B, and along the way there is a great big cliff, most likely I won’t walk myself off the cliff, but I will turn, walk a different direction and find a way to keep going. Could be I never get to point B, I may end up at valley C, the goal could end up being all in the journey trying to get there.

OB ~ nothingness

Dakar sounded oon rahum as we talk ourselves back into commitment with one another. I find myself with my hands on my womb, citrine candle lit, in such silent stillness. It is not for me to sound tonight, even though that was the original goal. I am taken to a place of nothing, just silent peace for a long time, no thoughts, no visions, no memory…then deep sleep…

Of course, it was only a deep sleep until Dakar starts to yoni gaze me. I watch him preparing with kindness and respect for himself and me, to create a space of comfort. Even though I wanted to sleep in this peacefulness I was in, he wouldn’t take my soft “No’s”. As he gazed me, I was again in a peaceful space, admiring the feelings of LOVE he was encouraging into my yoni, with all of her pain and joy, the ups and downs of this ride we’ve embarked upon, I could only remember feeling a deep sense of grace that I’ve only been able to find when I am at peace for myself, if only to glimpse it for some moments, tasting it, knowing our work will bring us ever closer to fully living in this experience every day. 

Namaste

Citrine and Dreams

Day 94 ~ 1/2/11

Citrine, the stone of Abundance. I pull this card as soon as I mention to Dakar that he should take a break this month if there is a high pressure to go kiteboarding, or relax somewhere warm. “Money, Health, Love and Time, whatever your currency of Joy in the moment, I have come to aid you in its acquisition…get ready to receive your dreams, but always be prepared to see just how small they are in the bigger picture.” (pg. 103 & 104 The Liquid Crystals by Justin Moikeha Asar)

How true this is. Other than saving the planet, self illumination, and helping others in realization, I’m not sure what exactly is the bigger picture. I have come to find out that such things I do not need to know, information and the next piece always seem present itself just a step before requiring the knowledge.

When Dakar got up to go to work this morning, I felt a being next to me. At first I was a bit frightened, then I immediately remembered I’ve felt it before, about 15 years ago, now again recently, so I invited it back. I remember waking up one night feeling like a cat was walking on me, one step at a time. I looked up and nothing was there. In the nights and weeks to follow, I would feel like someone was laying down next to me, pressing the covers into my body. I was told then by several people that it could be a demon, or a ghost, to tell it to go away. The mathematician guy I was dating at the time said that ghosts were “scientifically impossible” and I was feeling nothing, it’s just my imagination. I was 20, and kind of creeped out by all of this, not knowing who to turn to or how to understand it, so I asked it to go away.

In this house, with Dakar, I have felt this presence on and off several times, feeling the purity of it. The only word going through me while focusing on this being was “LOVE”. I could feel it creeping up my arms and onto my body like a soft jello-like blob, covering me like a shadowy blanket until it completely sank into my body, snuggling and dissolving inside of me. Yes, I was awake and coherent!

A bit later though, after I fell back to sleep, I had dreams of unconditional love…a litter of orphaned puppies found a home with an older woman with grown children, she had taken them in and was nursing these pups with the milk from her own breasts - I wanted to feed them too! I then saw a doorway into a world, of beings here on earth. It was a playground and they were playing here while they waited for humanity.

I was also shown many different occupations that people choose for themselves, and was told that “Some people are here to work as doctors, earthdiggers, lawyers, editors, etc. Some people are here to save things organizations such as Save the Whales, Save the Earth, Save the This and That, and some are here to simply be love and spread love into the world. It seems odd, but spreading Love is not the most popular job one can choose to do, as it is under the radar without public fame, and always accompanies humility. We do our work quietly, silently within, that way we can be more pure in our journeys.”

I knowingly accept this as my path as I see myself dancing in this conga~line with many other people…it’s like walking through the forest with other fairies and lovers on the path. How appropriate again, I say, that Citrine reminds me that my dreams will manifest, but they are small, belonging to my self, and hold but an ounce of importance (however joyful they are) to the bigger picture – whatever that is!

So I burn my candle meant to represent Citrine for the next 21 days and ask for my dreams – which brings up an issue I have been resisting around ceremonies. My heart physically hurts as I write this, so it’s good to dive into! I have not indulged myself in a lot of ceremonial activities, could stem from the time I was burned at the stake for being a “witch”, or the number of past lives I have died during ceremonial rituals…but in this lifetime, I have always been uncomfortable when asked to a ritual. If I have gone, I have rarely allowed myself to be free during, not giving 100% of who I am into the ceremony.

If I watch ceremonies in a movie, on the internet or elsewhere, I shy away, feeling hurt, shame and guilt, along with repression and serious denial. But deep down, I know better. I know that this comes up for me because I have been on the giving end of said rituals. I have taken advantage of my subjects before and feel pain today because of it. In this lifetime, I have not allowed myself to fully open to the knowledge that is my birthright in fear of not wanting to mess up again.

My dream, more than anything, is to be a clear conduit, knowing what to express and share in any given moment, to help or not to help another, knowing what is appropriate and conducting myself in such manner…to be clear enough within myself to understand how to serve in any moment.

All emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always.

Namaste

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Day 93 ~ 1/1/11

All emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always…

Dakar got a 4 am wake up call this morning to go to work because it had snowed 1/2 an inch. He got up completely pissed off and during these moments, I am internally happy that he is not around! I was up, filling his water containers and trying to help his exit smoother and peaceful for him, but it was just me I was satisfying, learning how to remain peaceful and not take it personally.

Hours later, he called and woke me, yelling into the phone that his ass was on fire. I’m not sure why he yelled at me, he was the one creating the fire and discomfort in his day. (Mirror ~ I have totally done this to him though too, so fair is fair!) I calmly breathed and said nothing. The past few days he has been complaining of his anus being tight. I asked him several times what he was holding in, what is it that he is not releasing, and obviously he avoided looking into finding these answers. So, I quietly raised myself up, and went to get him some hemorrhoid relief cream.

My mom used to get hemorrhoids every time she called someone an “Asshole”, now she doesn’t call people that anymore! Dakar has been blaming people, settling into his small self, feeling the victim. I have been trying to remain neutral, but sometimes I still let his negativity rub off on me, then I feel dirty. I went to town and bought him some cream and the shelves were barren of the stuff! The store was practically sold out, only a couple tubes to choose from, as I see another man in front of me walking stiffly, two tubes of cream in his cart. I had to laugh, wondering what is going on that there is a sudden flare up of hemorrhoids for people? Astrologically, NOW is the perfect time to be letting go, releasing unwanted or un-serving stuff from our lives between the lunar and solar eclipses.

I brought the kids with me to deliver “The Cream” and we soaked in the outdoor hot tub where we have a recreation pass. There were several kids and an adult in the tub already, the kids were throwing snowballs at each other, eating snow like ice cream, being kids and having fun. A few minutes after we arrived, the mother of the other kids entered the hot tub. She immediately puckered up and started exclaiming “Don’t run, don’t eat the snow, don’t throw the snow into the hot tub, don’t jump in, don’t, don’t, DON’T…!” During her ranting her littlest boy hit his head on the concrete side of the tub as if to validate her fears. He got his mommy time, and she was able to provide for the needy child, and the whole energy shifted from the lightness that comes from allowing kids to be kids to being stressful and on edge. We didn’t stay very long, and I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything to her. I had to consider that she was a mirror for me in this moment, allowing me to glimpse at what I sound like when I am in my controlling stage with my kids.

Coming home, I get the kids settled in with something to eat and lie down for a nap. I have a bad headache from starting my detoxing cleanse today and dehydrating myself some in the hot tub. It doesn’t seem to matter how much fluid I drink, it’s hardly ever enough to keep me from getting headaches from heat. It’s like my way of telling me I’m too much in my head. After napping a bit, I woke up to worse pain in my head. I ran my Shakti circuit, feeling the energy bright and piercing hot as it worked its way through, grounding and connecting me. I then went into a meditation to connect with Mother, Father and the Christ Consciousness grid and my headache instantly improved. I see my daughter as a powerful healer, and she rubs my head, bathing energy down my forehead, neck and shoulders. She is quite gifted and as she asks why do I think this of her I can only reply “you just are.” I will try to nurture this gift within her for as long as she chooses.

I walk into the bedroom after feelings of peppermint run through me as I complete my ovary breathing. There is a thick layer of unsettled energy, I can smell the stench giving off a putrid odor as Dakar sleeps here. Ugh! Do I really want to climb into bed and sleep here? I can go sleep soundly on the couch…but the bed is more comfortable and I want to rest well, allowing my body time to better heal itself. How can I work to transform this stale energy in our bedroom? The years of abuse and sexual repression we have put ourselves through need to be cleaned from our bedroom. I want this done, so I decide to stay and work on transforming it. I may require help, but I will work to find the answer first myself, with Dakar.

I am always amazed and humbled at the powerful natural healing our bodies do on their own. I can go to bed with a debilitating migraine and wake up healed and refreshed. Amazing! How could we ever compare or think that we are better than the God within us? Self healing, trust, patience and forgiveness as I look in the mirror, a bit brighter than the last time. 

Namaste

Dakar Weigh's In

Dakar's Photo

As promised (just a bit out of alignment with the date – but oh well) here is most of the following conversation I had with Dakar, deepening our understanding and relating with each other as to why we are committed to this journey. I am not skewing the answers in any way, I just asked questions, so everything is coming from his divine masculine experiences.

As I rewrite this interview, it feels like I just asked him these questions yesterday, but ages ago as well. Time is getting funnier and funnier to me, linear time is feeling completely irrelevant. I suppose it’s something we invented to keep the mind in check, from going completely insane, to stay in the projection of this reality. I am reading and writing this paragraph right now and my eyes are fuzzy, like the words are going into italics, moving and dissolving from the screen.

Science might say that it is a chemical reaction inside my body reacting to the sugar from the holiday peppermint bark I indulged in a bit earlier today. Spirit might say that it’s too much screen time, my eyes have still not adjusted to entering a different reality, don’t overdo trying to squeeze myself back into a box that won’t fit me anymore…

Q: Dakar, what happens during testies breathing for you?

A: Waves of energy looping during the breathing and throughout body after anus release.

Q: What does that do for you?

A: Energizes my whole body, it feels tingly and more alive. Shifting of energy through the joints, specifically a convulsion from my abdomen to chest, connecting heart and hara in an orgasmic, wavelike pulse.

Q: How do you use this energy within you?

A: It allows me to attune my body, being in tune with the moment, allowing me to respond to stuff that comes up. It’s very sensory, feeling into what comes up for me in each moment. When I am connecting my heart and hara, it’s like it brings in more energy and light into these areas. The more it’s done, the more I can stay energized within myself. Like breathing in the very essence of life itself.

Q: What happens for you when we meditate on Oon Rahum?

A: The vibratory energy with sounding the mantras brings all the energy straight to my hara and heart. The intensity varies each day between my heart and hara through the toning resonance, sounding the vibration brings the energy straight into my hara.

Q: How do you feel afterward?

A: Clear, in the moment with my thoughts and presence. Everything is more immediate.

Q: Why continue with the practice? What do you feel like it’s doing for you on the grand scale of things?

A: I don’t know. Harmonizing my hara? A different form of energy moves through me. In the hours of sleep afterward, I receive clarity, like something has shifted. I see things differently. Mantra vibration is opening into things that have been repressed and need to be exfoliated – which helps me understand myself better in the moments as they come up. Talking about this helps me remember to stay dedicated, it makes me want to stay committed to continuing the practice, this is more important than anything.

Namaste Dakar, thank you for being open and honest with yourself and me.

Dakar's Photo

On The Verge

Donner Lake

Days 12/19/10 – 12/31/10

On the Verge

Feels like I’m watching it

All fall apart

Is this the end

Or where it all starts

~ Bekah Finch 2009

Here I am, writing this entry in the middle of January. I haven’t kept up on my posting because during this time, I have encountered a block, a bubble that has not wished to be broken. On my quest for perfection, I sometimes feel like things must be completed in a linear manner. After all, writing on the blog everyday would be linear…

What this has done though, is keep me from continuing on. I have journaled throughout these days, but it seems I cannot force myself to rewrite the entries into stories, the entries are boring and shallow, such as pondering what to do with old Christmas cards – do I throw them out, do I keep the ones with photos? Do I continue to send cards from our family? How can I do it in a way that everything does not end up in a landfill?

This time was a time for settling into myself after a long journey over thousands of years. I took this time to practically sleep through the month of December, not buying into the Christmas spirit of consumerism, just allowing myself to rest and sleep, play with my family and not worry about anything or anyone else.

My body just did not feel the same as it did before. Sometimes I was walking around in disconnect, but mostly just feeling mellow, and knowing which space I was in every time. Of course, all of the no exercising and holiday eating strained my body into lethargy and eventual apathy, and I knew that I would start an intense cleanse. I could feel the toxins in my body, smelling their release in my urine, waiting for me to stop eating and purge myself again.

Truckee River

So on Dec. 30, I released myself from hibernation, braved the crowds of people in town and stopped for hours along the river and Donner Lake to breathe in the fresh, icy cold air and snap a bunch of photographs.  Just a bit of inspiration to continue walking out of a funk. I ran my ovary and kidney breaths at the lake, listening to the sounds of the water running under a thin layer of cracking ice. Divine inspiration had once again taken control as I continued to wake up hot, placing my hands upon my womb and experiencing the fire inside, feeling the energy from my hands, following this energy all throughout my body, just sitting with it and feeling it move inside of me, lighting me up with sparkling fireworks from within – yummy!

Thin Ice Layer ~ Donner Lake

Whatever it was that kept me from moving forward, I recognize it as a blockage, something that I have not identified yet, and instead of letting it continue to block me, I am going around the linear confines of the structure I have placed around me, and when I am ready to see it for what it is, I am confident it will present itself to me again! In the meantime I’m moving on, otherwise this will get out of hand, I will have forsaken the commitment I made with myself and it will just be another unfinished project I once had an idea about. 

Namaste

Edge of Ice on Donner Lake

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned  ~ some deep transformational changes happening here within...journaling like a mad woman, will post as soon as it's ready to be heard...

Rest

 

Day 79 ~ 12/18/10

Today was a great day for not doing much. A steady rain and mushy snow fell about all day and night. Getting up late and napping a couple of times throughout the day is the rest my body is wanting right now. It has been nice to not have internet service and be even more unplugged from the daily distractions. More time spent with the kids as Dakar works, just feeling really peaceful. Peaceful, tired and grounded, with continual fresh doses of humility and gratitude for all of the little things, the moments that allow me to look at eyes and really understand that it just is, no matter what.

I’ve just wanted to stay up late when the house is quiet, everyone is sleeping and I can write, make pictures and be creative. Even though I am tired, I just want to see what creates through me.

All of the preparations and constant work over the past couple months have opened up the space for me to just take a break and not worry about anything. The feelings of being and little stuff that comes to the surface to take a look at feels VERY familiar. It’s like I know what is going on even though I don’t. Just in full and complete trust that all is well. I feel like I don’t even have to continue journaling or writing this blog…but I am curious to see where I go next, and the process of writing about it has helped me to dig and observe deeper within, so of course I will continue!

We watched the Blues Brothers movie tonight and it’s always great to revisit something from a different perspective. I love the way that they just rolled with the flow, even the buildings blowing up around them, they just get up and brush themselves off, leaving it be to what is! I know its just a movie, but it’s fun to be light sometimes, still seeing and living life in all ways.

Namaste