Day 94 ~ 1/2/11
Citrine, the stone of Abundance. I pull this card as soon as I mention to Dakar that he should take a break this month if there is a high pressure to go kiteboarding, or relax somewhere warm. “Money, Health, Love and Time, whatever your currency of Joy in the moment, I have come to aid you in its acquisition…get ready to receive your dreams, but always be prepared to see just how small they are in the bigger picture.” (pg. 103 & 104 The Liquid Crystals by Justin Moikeha Asar)
How true this is. Other than saving the planet, self illumination, and helping others in realization, I’m not sure what exactly is the bigger picture. I have come to find out that such things I do not need to know, information and the next piece always seem present itself just a step before requiring the knowledge.
When Dakar got up to go to work this morning, I felt a being next to me. At first I was a bit frightened, then I immediately remembered I’ve felt it before, about 15 years ago, now again recently, so I invited it back. I remember waking up one night feeling like a cat was walking on me, one step at a time. I looked up and nothing was there. In the nights and weeks to follow, I would feel like someone was laying down next to me, pressing the covers into my body. I was told then by several people that it could be a demon, or a ghost, to tell it to go away. The mathematician guy I was dating at the time said that ghosts were “scientifically impossible” and I was feeling nothing, it’s just my imagination. I was 20, and kind of creeped out by all of this, not knowing who to turn to or how to understand it, so I asked it to go away.
In this house, with Dakar, I have felt this presence on and off several times, feeling the purity of it. The only word going through me while focusing on this being was “LOVE”. I could feel it creeping up my arms and onto my body like a soft jello-like blob, covering me like a shadowy blanket until it completely sank into my body, snuggling and dissolving inside of me. Yes, I was awake and coherent!
A bit later though, after I fell back to sleep, I had dreams of unconditional love…a litter of orphaned puppies found a home with an older woman with grown children, she had taken them in and was nursing these pups with the milk from her own breasts - I wanted to feed them too! I then saw a doorway into a world, of beings here on earth. It was a playground and they were playing here while they waited for humanity.
I was also shown many different occupations that people choose for themselves, and was told that “Some people are here to work as doctors, earthdiggers, lawyers, editors, etc. Some people are here to save things organizations such as Save the Whales, Save the Earth, Save the This and That, and some are here to simply be love and spread love into the world. It seems odd, but spreading Love is not the most popular job one can choose to do, as it is under the radar without public fame, and always accompanies humility. We do our work quietly, silently within, that way we can be more pure in our journeys.”
I knowingly accept this as my path as I see myself dancing in this conga~line with many other people…it’s like walking through the forest with other fairies and lovers on the path. How appropriate again, I say, that Citrine reminds me that my dreams will manifest, but they are small, belonging to my self, and hold but an ounce of importance (however joyful they are) to the bigger picture – whatever that is!
So I burn my candle meant to represent Citrine for the next 21 days and ask for my dreams – which brings up an issue I have been resisting around ceremonies. My heart physically hurts as I write this, so it’s good to dive into! I have not indulged myself in a lot of ceremonial activities, could stem from the time I was burned at the stake for being a “witch”, or the number of past lives I have died during ceremonial rituals…but in this lifetime, I have always been uncomfortable when asked to a ritual. If I have gone, I have rarely allowed myself to be free during, not giving 100% of who I am into the ceremony.
If I watch ceremonies in a movie, on the internet or elsewhere, I shy away, feeling hurt, shame and guilt, along with repression and serious denial. But deep down, I know better. I know that this comes up for me because I have been on the giving end of said rituals. I have taken advantage of my subjects before and feel pain today because of it. In this lifetime, I have not allowed myself to fully open to the knowledge that is my birthright in fear of not wanting to mess up again.
My dream, more than anything, is to be a clear conduit, knowing what to express and share in any given moment, to help or not to help another, knowing what is appropriate and conducting myself in such manner…to be clear enough within myself to understand how to serve in any moment.
All emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always.
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