1/6/11
WOW! I figured how to check stats and saw over 1000 pageviews on my blog…I didn’t realize that many people were even reading it. Anyone wish to comment or share where you’re at? I would love to hear what you have to say, privately or publicly commenting. This journey is what I AM experiencing in the moments, but overall, I am open to connecting with you, with anyone who whishes to share themselves. Believe me, I know how scary that can be, but I also have experienced how rewarding this can be. The practices I do are my own soul’s way of clearing, you don’t have to follow my path, but I’m here to listen to your truth should you wish to share.
On this day of your life, Gaiel, we believe God wants you to know ... that your soul is always in communion with God. When you feel lost, or afraid, or sad, - feel into your soul to find the strength of Divine presence. I feel, witness and give thanks as the most beautiful golden body quietly sinks into me while I soak in the hot tub water all around me and listen to the lion’s roar…
After cleaning the house with a tremendous amount of joy (funny how I can do this when there is no one home), I sat and relaxed, and started reading the works of other people. I felt my muscles start to tighten up, face and teeth clenching as I became insecure with myself. I felt the flow of envy and downright jealousy course through me as I read such wonderful poetry. Instead of enjoying these expressions from another, my ego took over and I wanted this beauty for myself. Why can’t I write like them? My words seem to be just a recounting in a journal – a memory to write down that takes me from this moment and has me living in the past.
My bigger question, then, was why do I feel this way? Why can’t I just be okay with what is? Why do I continue to torment myself, critically judging and not fully loving me? I want to someday inspire others the way others have inspired me, but how can I do that when I am living in my own muck? I guess not all inspiration has to come from the lightness of fairies, but maybe that is what I am drawn to, the beautiful wonderment of it all because that is what I need to work on the most.
Maybe I have no big epiphany inside of me to share with the world. Maybe I’m meant to just create the self sustaining lifestyle Dakar and I have been feeling and talking about for years, and be okay with just living. Maybe that’s an excuse to not do anything…
“My hero’s had the heart to live their lives out on a limb
And all I can remember, is thinking, I want to be like them”
~ Crazy, Gnarls Barkley
I seem to borrow lyrics, quotes and inspirations from others until I find my own. Does it make it right or wrong that I would recognize beauty from others and fit them into my puzzle? Does that make me any less that I don’t recognize my own beauty first? Six days into this cleanse and my head has gone kaput!!!
Tonight’s ovary breathing brings back the beautiful golden energy from earlier, pouring into the cells of my body with intense heat, a soft, melting fire burning away anything in its way that is keeping the light from entering me. I can feel the heat flare up again in my ovaries as I realize that my misunderstandings and confusion of myself, the different opinions and people in all of their glory are what makes this world so beautiful!
What if everybody’s favorite color was red? Then the whole world would only be red. But what if Suzy brought her favorite color red, Johnny brought his favorite color orange, Sarah brought yellow, Dustin came with green, Tommy brought blue, Emily brought indigo and I came with violet (and so on…) then we would gather with all the colors and the world would not be just red. This is what makes the world so amazing, different opinions add color to our lives. So embrace the rainbow and your world will always be colorful, or don’t, and see what you see. The monotonous sea of red, perhaps? Uniformity? Everyone is the same? What do you like better? If we were all the same, some of us would be irrelevant…but we are all expressions of God, living out different experiences through each and everyone of us. That makes none of us irrelevant, so it is just me that makes myself feel so.
Dakar asks me if there is anything he can do to help me remove some more bricks from my wall. We talk about compassion, and how we’ve been behaving toward one another, venting and walking ourselves through the shadows.
I had read a story earlier online about the wrong house being demolished. What? How does that happen? You can’t just go demolish a house or building without doing the proper prep work. You have to turn off gas and power, remove windows, make sure the house is empty with no one is home, make sure it is the right address! Dakar and I discussed how this was similar to the walls we build around our own selves, the walls around our heart’s. The proper prep work must be done before we can come in and bulldoze these walls over. Or else what? The lifetimes of trauma, victim consciousness and misunderstandings will just go away?
Does the left hand need to know what the right hand is doing? Why is this important? Maybe to clearly communicate, achieving balance and clarity, less confusion? To be in harmonious flow vs. chaos, frustration, distractions and inefficient time consuming emotions? Am I trying to be too reasonable, justifying why I feel like I’m moving so slowly? Why can’t we just wipe the slate clean, demolish the walls without doing the prep work? Will we recreate the walls if we don’t know why they were placed there in the first place? Will the walls stay down exposing a vulnerable heart if we remove the bricks piece by peace with love and consciousness, forgiving ourselves for each brick along the way?
In the ups and downs of just watching myself in life I see moments of some days that are just joyful. Other times when I feel my shadow very present, I try to dive into the emotions that come up so that I may be clear of them. Sometimes it looks like I am just focusing on the shadow aspects of my self, but I feel writing through them helps me to acknowledge and let them go. Of course, it also helps me to see where I am not profoundly living every moment of happiness and joy, not fully experiencing the light that is also coming in. In all the digging and excavation within myself, I get so serious that I forget to play, to just be happy, and when I do play, I am not always happy because I’m thinking of what work I need to keep doing, I’m not clear yet…I need to lighten up, stop trying so hard!
Basically I'm complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia
But I'll be at least 2 people today
If that's okay
And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?
It's deep how you can be so shallow
And I'm afraid cause I have no fear
And I didn't believe in magic
Until I watched you disappear
I wish you were here
And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?
You see, everybody is somebody
But nobody wants to be themselves
And If I ever wanted to understand me
I'll have to talk to someone else
Cause every little bit helps
And I can go on and on and on...but who cares?
Feels like... the surreal life
But it's still nice
Wish I could live twice
But I still might
If these bones heal right
I see a little light
Even though it's still night
Feels like... the surreal life
But its still nice
Wish I could live twice
But I still might
If these bones heal right
I see a little light
Even though it's still night
And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?
And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?
Namaste
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