On The Verge

Donner Lake

Days 12/19/10 – 12/31/10

On the Verge

Feels like I’m watching it

All fall apart

Is this the end

Or where it all starts

~ Bekah Finch 2009

Here I am, writing this entry in the middle of January. I haven’t kept up on my posting because during this time, I have encountered a block, a bubble that has not wished to be broken. On my quest for perfection, I sometimes feel like things must be completed in a linear manner. After all, writing on the blog everyday would be linear…

What this has done though, is keep me from continuing on. I have journaled throughout these days, but it seems I cannot force myself to rewrite the entries into stories, the entries are boring and shallow, such as pondering what to do with old Christmas cards – do I throw them out, do I keep the ones with photos? Do I continue to send cards from our family? How can I do it in a way that everything does not end up in a landfill?

This time was a time for settling into myself after a long journey over thousands of years. I took this time to practically sleep through the month of December, not buying into the Christmas spirit of consumerism, just allowing myself to rest and sleep, play with my family and not worry about anything or anyone else.

My body just did not feel the same as it did before. Sometimes I was walking around in disconnect, but mostly just feeling mellow, and knowing which space I was in every time. Of course, all of the no exercising and holiday eating strained my body into lethargy and eventual apathy, and I knew that I would start an intense cleanse. I could feel the toxins in my body, smelling their release in my urine, waiting for me to stop eating and purge myself again.

Truckee River

So on Dec. 30, I released myself from hibernation, braved the crowds of people in town and stopped for hours along the river and Donner Lake to breathe in the fresh, icy cold air and snap a bunch of photographs.  Just a bit of inspiration to continue walking out of a funk. I ran my ovary and kidney breaths at the lake, listening to the sounds of the water running under a thin layer of cracking ice. Divine inspiration had once again taken control as I continued to wake up hot, placing my hands upon my womb and experiencing the fire inside, feeling the energy from my hands, following this energy all throughout my body, just sitting with it and feeling it move inside of me, lighting me up with sparkling fireworks from within – yummy!

Thin Ice Layer ~ Donner Lake

Whatever it was that kept me from moving forward, I recognize it as a blockage, something that I have not identified yet, and instead of letting it continue to block me, I am going around the linear confines of the structure I have placed around me, and when I am ready to see it for what it is, I am confident it will present itself to me again! In the meantime I’m moving on, otherwise this will get out of hand, I will have forsaken the commitment I made with myself and it will just be another unfinished project I once had an idea about. 

Namaste

Edge of Ice on Donner Lake