Day 45 ~ 11/14/10
Argh! Does it ever get any better? What does better look like, anyway? This morning Dakar asked me a question, and as typical I responded with a sarcastic joking answer. He was preemptively ready for me to be in resistance to his question, like he was waiting for me to get upset. So not even a second passed between the time I uttered my last word, before I could get in a cheesy smile, he yells at me for being a bitch all the time, then he storms out of the room without communicating about it. Geez, I felt like we were Dustin and Emily fighting like little kids do. You started it, no you did, no you did…kind of funny now…the sad thing was, is after he yelled at me, I took it personally and yelled at the kids for no reason. Such a viscous, viscous cycle.
Sometimes, no, most of the time, I can’t stand it when Dakar is home. I feel like there is no room for me to do what I want at any time – STILL! Why do I still feel this way? I wouldn’t want to change it, he is an amazing man, but I continue to have issues. What haven’t I moved through yet that allows me to be in our home without judgments of what I feel like I “should” be doing? Part of it is I don’t feel like it’s also my home. I still feel like I am living in Derek’s house. I think that this is why so many control issues come up, because I’m uncomfortable living in a house that doesn’t feel like I’m co-owner of, so I try to compensate by trying to control any situation I can. Doesn’t always make for peaceful co-existence, and certainly not for sacred union.
Another movie tonight, Dan in Real Life. I loved the real emotions of the movie. It was done in a way that this could be anyone’s life. The sorrow, the love, the parenting, the letting go, the finding new, all of it done in such a simple way, that the movie wasn’t contrived. We watched behind the scenes, and the filmmakers were passionate about presenting it in such a real, “homegrown” way. It really showed. It reminded me that it’s okay to continue to live life and do things in this world, while still working on my spiritual world. I am not above these emotions of passion and heartbreak. In fact, all of these human emotions are here to live through. Our lessons are from the everyday.
More than anything, I want to be able to trust myself fully, in any dimension. To be 100% open and clear so that I may serve in whatever capacity in can in any given moment, fully knowing that this is source, this is my truth shining through.
After clearing the channels with some ovary breathing this evening, having the circuit complete in record time, the cycle of energy is becoming almost instantaneous throughout my body, even reaching up into my skull and into my bodies beyond.
Starting to breathe Oon Rahum Hashem, I saw a vision of Christ nailed to his cross, in the air, like he was floating up to the sky, still facing the earth. He was surrounded by a brilliant golden light, and I could see cords that were attached to his body, stretching up to the galactic center of source and all that is. I feel an intense sadness for all of us humans who have forgotten this connection, that we have it too. We cut our life source that is pumping life blood into us as soon as we exit our mother’s wombs. We are instantly dumped onto a planet and told “good luck”, try to find your way…
This disconnection surrounds us as we look first to our parents, then to society, then to teachers, and some of us, finally back to ourselves to find what we have been searching for our whole human life(s).
I saw my own connection forming again, my umbilical cord that attaches my body and soul to the great galactic center. It is upon me, and yet, still seems so distant. I do my best to will it down, to attach itself to me so that I may be fully connected with one. I am told that I mustn’t force this attachment. When I am ready, really ready, it will happen, until then, keep working, keep clearing, and I will know when grace is ready to descend upon me.
Then, my sister came in and reminded me that I am also doing this work for my family, for my genetic connections. I don’t know if she has reincarnated or not, but I was overcome with emotions, and I wept, sobbed and really cried. I cried because I miss being able to call her just to say hi. Just the human emotions of missing someone who has passed on, continuing to grieve and let go in my own way and in my own time.
I turned to my side and allowed Dakar to really hold me, my heart breaking wide open as I understood that no matter how human and bitchy I can get, he is always there, ready to be vulnerable and accept me unconditionally at the end of the day. As I lay on his naked chest he started kissing the top of my head and I felt like I was once again a holographic body, laying naked within the earth. The waterfall and pools of water were a part of my body, the moss and leaf covered soil rich with earthen minerals came to life, protruding like lips as I realized this was Dakar’s lips kissing my hair and forehead. His arms were the roots and branches of the trees and I watched as they wrapped themselves around me, this vision happening at the same time it was physically happening between Dakar and myself. I really didn’t know which world was real – they both were.
Sinking, surrendering softly with an open, exposed vulnerable and broken heart, I wept for my sister and many others, I wept for myself and many others, it was just my turn to weep and let it go. Dakar continued to hold me, offering me an embrace and comfort that only a true open heart can give to one another.
It was so easy then, to allow the gentle caress to consume me, willingly giving myself to Dakar, allowing the lovemaking to freely flow between us, it was like making love to Gaia and God all at the same time.
I fell asleep as a brilliant blanket of light descended upon me bathing me in its glow, wrapping me in a cozy snuggle, and healing me in the depths of its vibration as I slept peacefully until the morning light lit up my face, the cool dawn waking all as a new day began.
What an interesting cycle this day was, living what seemed to be a whole lifetime in the matter of hours.
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