If You Really Knew Me

Day 38 ~ 11/7/10

My daughter was excited for a girl’s day. DJ went to play at his friends house, and Emily and I tackled her room. HOW does it get so messy??? There’s not even that much stuff, as we keep discarding and giving things away! Yet, it still took hours to get her room immaculate, giving clothes, books and more toys away. She is such a great example of one not having attachments. She couldn’t care less if she had anything or not.

She does have her own opinions though. There came a point were we were in disagreement about where a particular set of drawers should go. I could see my control come through when I wanted it here, and she wanted it there. I thought, well, this IS her room, if she wants it over there, I can allow that. However, it just didn’t feel right to me. It broke up the energy of the room and felt better in the opposite corner. So we both conceded, it went to the corner of my choice, but she had to pull it out from the wall and position it just right for her satisfaction.

As a child, I felt like I didn’t have a say in anything, that everything was forced upon me, I was not consulted for an opinion and I had to do whatever everyone else told me to do. I wonder what my life would be like now if I had discovered that I had a valid voice too before I was 30 yrs old? It doesn’t matter now, but I would like to see my children work through their voices and opinions at an early age, so that they may know compassion, concession, dissenting, when to speak up and when to stay quiet, during their lifelong communications with other people. A mother can dream, can’t she?

For a couple days now I have had resistance to Dakar. He is consumed by his day, and we’ve slacked on keeping our connection strong. When he gets home, my stomach starts to hurt.  Our nightly meditations turn to the expectation of sex, and I quickly shut down. Without a real connection taking place everyday, I feel it to be much harder to easily open up with him. Is this just my judgments? Does there have to be a preconceived idea of connection? Couldn’t we both be able to do our own thing during the day and have unconditional connection at night, or whenever we are together?

He calls me all the time to let me know where he is at, what he’s got accomplished, etc. Not to be rude, but I don’t really care. Thanks for calling me if you’re going to be longer than expected, but I feel interrupted when you call me to chat about things you know I don’t care about. I feel like this is your way of reaching out and trying to connect with me, but how many bolts you screwed to what has no significance in my day. If you would like to reach out and call me during the day, tell me about the revelation you had with …such and such. CONTROL FREAK, yes, I AM.

We don’t have cable TV, though the internet sure has everything, doesn’t it? You tube and other channels provide everything we could possibly want. I learned about this program MTV has on air called If You Really Knew Me. They go into high schools with Challenge Days, challenging the kids to open up to one another, break down barriers and judgments, allowing the kids to understand that they are not really alone, making new, honest friends in the process, changing their way of viewing themselves and others. COOL! I didn’t do any of this type of work until I was 30…would have been great to do this in high school, instead of rolling over and letting everyone who wanted to take advantage of me because I didn’t know any different.

One of the students brought up a question I have pondered for a long time. Why is it a competition to see who’s life is worse than another’s? Why try to make your problems or pain bigger than someone else’s? I especially see this with my son. If he hurts himself, he tells his sister that he hurts worse than her. How could he possible gauge this? He doesn’t know how she feels or handles pain? He only has himself to compare himself too. Why does he insist that he is “better” at everything, including how bad he hurts?

I don’t get it, but this behavior is everywhere. My sisters and I used to do this to each other too. Men and women are in constant competition with one another because they haven’t grown up from this childish behavior. My life is worse, I’m a bigger victim, feel sorry for me…bringing all the attention to the ego and small self. I’m so over it! just being honest with myself allows me to feel blessed and actually be happy for the life I have, where there is pain and where there is joy.

So, If You Really Knew Me, you’d know that:

I am lazy

I am a liar

I am very judgmental upon myself and my family

I like to contract and stay a victim sometimes

People really bother me
I hide dark chocolate in drawers so I can be selfish and not have to share
I have a guilty conscious - I feel like everything is my fault

I HATE that my son LOVES guns and pretends to shoot people

I think that I am special and better than you

I think that I am not special and worse than you

I get annoyed when my kids talk ALL the time

I get lost in music and art

I start things and never finish them, or do then half-assed 

I get migraine headaches when I ride my bike, but I love riding so I put up with the pain
I short out electronics all the time then just wait for them to start working again
I'd rather stay up and work/play with my art all night than to go to bed and be intimate with Dakar
I am brutally honest with myself
I understand that I create my own reality

If I really knew you, what would I know?  

Namaste