Day 43 ~ 11/12/10
Oooh, blocked energy here, and here and here! My shoulders, neck, lower back and right side are extremely achy. I know this is being caused by this new deep dark layer I’ve tapped into, the bitchy-ness, sleepiness, judgments, comfort foods, etc. are all clues.
I’ve been unable to physically stand, sit or lay in one place for an extended amount of time. So today, I went to the pool with Dakar to see if I could stretch it out some and get this dense energy on the move. Okay, so I got out of the house anyway. Took a few laps in the pool then straight into the hot tub to float around with peace, the water wasn’t helping the pain very much. My internal gut reactions screaming with anger towards Dakar, blessings to him as he is getting used to it! He is trying hard to be very kind when I go through a layer like this, and I am in gratitude for him.
I wanted to just go home, but ended up going into town with Dakar instead. At the health food store, we ran into three lovely goddesses, all short with brunette hair…ahhhh, definitely needed a dose of the divine feminine today to remind me to embrace the feminine and not let these pains consume me. Thank you universe for sending these angels of feminine energy! Thank you also for sending me a divine masculine pillar to experience and enjoy this journey with as well!
A great dose of humility is often necessary when my big ego is trying to take over. All day the aches crept further and further into the dark crevasses of my body, face starting to hurt from my teeth clenching, the wrinkle lines in my face becoming canyons, just engulfed in density. We started our meditation work earlier tonight, it’s amazing that no matter when we start, it seems to take 3 1/2 – 4 hours every night to finish, including bathroom breaks and sharing conversation with each other.
Before doing our ovary breathing, I commanded myself to reveal what it is that is blocking my energy from flowing. This pain is working to let me know where I am stuck, but I don’t want to stay here with it. So, NO MORE! I hadn’t done this breathing for a day and a half, amazing the difference from a 10 minute meditation! The cool chill of this crystalline energy coursing through me, the dynamic energy bringing things up. During this breathing mediation, I realized that this dense layer has a LOT of root chakra, primordial stuff attached to it. Hence the raging judgment about military/forceful protection, abdominal pain, heavy comfort foods, aggression, bitchy, lack of trust about shelter, money, etc. It’s starting to make sense now…
I love doing our meditations together, feels stronger that I’m combining with a partner. Just a few minutes into our oon rahum meditation, really feeling that back pain now! I started weeping, a deep sadness as I realize that this is a HUGE layer about internal trust.
Last night I had a dream about a teacher showing up and talking to me about letting go of judgment about EVERYTHING. In the dream he had dumped out a pile of glass beads and started flinging them off the table, onto the ground. My first reaction was “where’s my camera? This would be a great moment to capture!” Then I was wondering if he was going to eventually pick up his mess, or if he would make someone else clean it up. I looked up and someone else was sweeping up the floor. I stood there, pondering for a LONG time if I should grab another broom or not. It wasn’t my mess, why do I feel like I should help clean it up? Then again, I’m not doing anything, it isn’t going to hurt me in anyway to help clean. I ended up picking up another broom and started sweeping. On my first stroke, I hear this booming voice “What are you doing?” Argh! I KNEW he was going to say that!!! I was being nice and helping clean up I say, then we entered into a conversation about releasing judgments and perceptions about everything, no matter how simple or how complex I’ve made them.
So while singing Malaha to the divine mother, she shows up and in her own way she kindly points out a serious question. Does this teacher that continues to show up in my dreams and meditations do co consciously? Is he there because I’ve asked him to show up on another level to teach me? Or is it perhaps because I trust him more than I trust myself and I have put his face to the voice of my womb? Is it really him at all, or is it all my projections? This is what I weep for, the understanding that I have been placing so much of my trust in external sources instead of myself. While others serve as a guide, I give my power away in feeling like they have my answers, instead of continuing to empower myself.
I definitely have a fear about not being a good person, teacher, guide, mentor, conduit etc. because of my history of being lazy and doing things half assed. What if I’m not good enough? Ah, the ole unworthiness issue keeps making sure she is addressed! I can see how she is smaller though, as I push through boundary after boundary within myself, the unworthiness is starting to fade. Mostly because I am letting go of caring what other people think about what I do, and giving myself permission to live and make mistakes and LIVE!
By the way, after this meditation, my back felt at least 90% better! There is some physical soreness that is present, but the energetic block causing sooooo much pain was absolutely released. Thank you!
On to yoni gazing and the first gate with Dakar! During yoni gazing, I found myself going straight to a nice happy place. Being able to be open and peaceful, watching Dakar smile at my yoni, ahhhh…
Then we moved on to him placing his fingers on the lips of my yoni at the first gate. With the discovery of feeling absolutely different things when he uses his right hand vs. his left masculine hand, we have been doing this gate work exchanging hands during the session when it is time to do so. This evening, his right hand brought up more root chakra issues of people blindly trusting what the media, doctors and other people tell them. (Hmmmm…there’s a theme taking place here tonight, can you guess what it is?) So much marketing and mis-information on purpose. How do so many people continue to buy into this? There is a cure for everything if you want it – the information is out there! Sometimes it’s hard to believe people would rather die – just sit back letting someone else dictate their life to them and die. A really great reflection that goes deep for me, thinking that I have already transcended this, and here it comes again! Every time it comes up though, I am grateful that I have the ability to take my life back, with power, but even through the anger and aggression, it feels like I am softening into it all as well.
When he switched to his left feminine hand on my yoni, he laid down and started snoring! I feel confused, weird, like I want to chuck his hand off in a rage! The energy transfer feels fuzzy, cloudy, annoying. I thought this was supposed to be progressively getting better, easier? Total roller coaster ride with the ups and downs, twists, turns and corkscrews! Looks like we might need the whole 365 days of yoni gazing/gate work after all…or longer!
I woke Dakar up and he immediately went into judgment because he thought that I was judging him for the fuzzy, cloudy feelings. There is definitely a transfer of energy between us when we do this work. Whew! If we’re going to do it, we both need to be alert and focused. He finds that it is hard to focus after a long day of working, and by the time we get to this point he is tired and ready for sleep.
We have different definitions of what “Simple” and “Easy” mean for each of us. When we are discussing him giving unconditional love, gratitude and praise, he ends up taking on what I am releasing. I tell him it is “Simple, you’re like the doorman at the entrance to a flooded building. All you have to do is open the door and watch the waters flood out, loving the water and saying goodbye. But you stand in the door and let the waters flood into you, taking them on, feeling like you have to fix everything I am releasing. You don’t, just “simply” let them flow by you.” When I say this, he thinks I said it is “Easy”.
Sure! It’s as easy as letting go and surrendering everything!
If you’re feeling tired, get up and exercise – simple.
If you can’t stand your job, quit – simple.
If you have cancer, a disease or illness, just change everything about how your living your life now – simple.
I can give many examples of “Simple”, but that doesn’t make it “Easy”! It only seems like it could have been easier after you have walked through the doorway, then, in retrospect, you may find it was “Easy” after all.
AND, to be clear, I have never and will never discount the work that either one of us is doing. Even when Dakar feels his stuff coming up about feeling unappreciated about the work he’s doing, the space he’s holding, the deep inquiry and clearing within his own self as well, I know he is doing his best to be in 100% integrity with himself, and I cannot express how much gratitude I have for him and this journey. We are both learning here! We both have our own stuff coming up to take responsibility for – every day!
When I write about these experiences, it feels like each night has been a month worth of work! It doesn’t feel like it while going through it, but I look back and say, Wow! That is a lot of work! How am I finding the time? Simple, there is nothing else to do! The photography, the art, heck – even the kids get scheduled around us taking the time to discover ourselves…plus, I’m not working anymore…that helps! That also helps me work on my financial trust issues, completely trusting Dakar and the universe to provide…and it does. While playing and sharing my photos, a friend contacted me about wanting me to put together a calendar of photos so she can buy a few for holiday presents. Why not?
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