Day 50 ~ 11/19/10
“We stay so busy that the truth of our lives can’t catch up.” ~ Dr Brene Brown at the TED conference, speaking about the Price of Invulnerability.
To practice gratitude and honor what is ordinary about our lives in every moment, loving abundantly, freely giving love and appreciation…all of this is said over and over, and the cool thing is, we get tested on it over and over, to see how well we have integrated it within ourselves over and over.
For example, yesterday I put energy toward selling some more stuff that needs to go by the end of this month. Today, I had two meetings with people. A couple came by at 9:30 am and bought our nice stainless steel work tables, and I waited for another couple who agreed to show up around 10:00-ish. 10:00 came and went, 10:30 came and went (I didn’t have their phone number, just email correspondence otherwise I would have called.) 11:00 came and went, and finally, at 11:34 (but who was keeping track?) they show up. I looked at the lady, and they apologized for taking so long. The first words she said to me was “I did say we’d be here around ten-ish.” I glared back at her and said, “Yes, you did. It is now 11:30.”
I wasn’t really mad, sure the stuff swirled around my head as I was thinking, “Okay, they are giving you an opportunity to stand up for yourself and reveal to them that you respect your time and they should really evaluate where they are coming from and learn how to respect themselves and others in the future. If they don’t like what I have to say then they can walk away. I have other people interested in the desk, so I don’t have to sell it to them.” I was also thinking “I am just going to leave and they can come up to a closed door, and I will email her and tell her I had an appointment that I didn’t want to be late for because I honor my agreements with other people.” Other blah blah blah and blatant, flat out lies were formulating in my head. How is that honoring my agreement to myself to come from my truth when I continue to formulate lies to cover up my judgments?
I was at the point of witnessing myself considering going into frustration, but it just wasn’t happening. After being stood up a few days ago for lunch, I knew that this was another test of my reactions. It really wasn’t that big of a deal to stay and wait, after all I had much more packing and sorting to do. Actually, it was a good excuse for me to spend the time taking more photos of stuff I could sell on Craig’s List or elsewhere. I really just didn’t feel like being mad, so I wasn’t. I forgave them for their disregard for my time and myself for the judgment of this. There, done in an instant! I could tell though, that they did feel genuinely bad about showing up so late, but that is entirely their issue now, and maybe they will do something about it for themselves.
I also thought about countries and places that go at their own pace, time means nothing. Like when one is in Hawaii, “I’ll come by” might mean today or next week. Going with the flow doesn’t necessarily mean harping on people, but it also doesn’t mean allowing myself to get walked on. Where do you draw the line? Do you have any boundaries?
Later on, I saw a friend who used to shop at my store all the time. She found out I closed my doors when she called and my phone number rang to another florist. She made a huge effort to let me know how much this town is grateful for the gifts I brought to them through my designing flowers, wishing me happiness on my journey however it may look. WOW. I was and still am completely humbled by her gratitude and expression of love. Not to falsely stroke another’s ego, but to truly appreciate someone else for who they are, or for just living in this world – and telling them so. That is a beautiful example of LOVE. Wow.
Being in the space to witness and receive such unexpected gifts from angels everywhere today, softening and continuing to open in vulnerability…
Constantly swimming in the waters, fear and vulnerability came up again this evening. My son, as I have mentioned before, loves guns. It’s our culture, boys and some girls play cowboys and Indians, shoot the aliens, war games, etc. It’s everywhere, ingrained in the mass consciousness of boys (and some girls). He loves them though. I get mad at him and make him cry because I don’t understand why he pretends to shoot people. Then I try to make him wrong and tell him its “bad” to kill others. Why? How do I really know this for sure – that killing other’s is “wrong”? (I am also still dealing with the fact that my younger sister shot and killed herself 10 months ago…haven’t been ready to leap into that one yet, but I feel it is coming for me soon…I miss her so very much.)
I torment myself over perfection and buy into the rules of society. It is only after I sit for a bit and soften back into myself that I cuddle with him and let him know that I don’t understand, that is why I get so upset. We both have something very important to our soul’s journey, and we are working on it! With some hugs and forgiveness, I am humiliated by my actions and he seems to have softened and returned to himself too…hopefully forgiving…but who knows? I’ll probably be paying his therapy bills for life no matter what I do or don’t do!
I know that he (and I) will be okay, my womb told me today that he is the divine masculine in training. He came to experience all that life is right now, and that he is one of the very strong ones that will walk through and lead the way for others to change as well. There are no set rules, but he is going to emerge just perfect. We are all in training right now. I do feel validated to see evidence of this emergence when he does something that shows me his true inner voice shining through – usually bringing me to tears, and genuinely feeling that he is okay. It may be a phase or not, so back off a bit on the gun thing Mom ~ what you resist, persists!
I felt like I needed to cut our KA cords again, as my attachment to my son was groping him out of fear and ego, way beyond the boundaries of a natural mother/son connection. I do this because I realize how much I love him and support him on his own journey. And of course, every time I ask his higher self if he is willing to be cut, and of course, every time he is ready. He probably wonders why I keep reattaching myself to him, but he is always genuinely loving, patient, and kind, allowing my to continue to find my understanding with myself and him.
This time there was a slight connection at our crown chakras, and my cord wanting to create a strong suction at our solar plexus chakras, and a thin but very strong cord at our root chakras. I tried unplugging his cord from me, then I realized that it was my plug to him, me sucking and draining off of him. Oops! I will do my best to keep my cords to myself!
One time when I had disconnected my cords from many people (like 13 people within 3 hours) I saw them flying around like vacuum cords from my chakra points and big suction cups on the ends of each one, like snakes searching for something to bite, these were suctions wanting to attach themselves to anything! I didn’t know how to control them, this was a very new experience for me. I inquired about this and was told to sit with my KA body in front of a mirror (during meditation) and allow my suckers to attach themselves to me – to the mirror of myself. Woah! I did this, and the most amazing connections occurred. I could actually see and hear my Godself singing to me through the portal that had just opened up at my heart, like a siren song, telling me that she has been waiting for my return for so very long…
I will do this again immediately!
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