Fire and Ice

Day 39 ~ 11/8/10

I don’t understand how one can get so close to their answer, and yet be so far away because they turn around and go the other way. I must need to reflect on this for myself, for I have been here many times before. I love the way common occurrences in every day life provide the opportunity to really witness what is going on within.

For instance, I had a person scheduled to pick up some inventory at a particular time today. They had been there that morning and were coming back with a bigger vehicle later in the day. I was there waiting, waiting, waiting. 30 minutes after we were supposed to meet I receive a phone call, wondering where I was. Well, I was in the building the whole time and door was wide open. They were sitting in their car right outside my door (which, by the way has a very large sign on it indicating the shop name) and they left. They thought that because they saw my husband walking into the building that it must be the wrong place. How do you get to this point? Me, if I was confused about the exact building I was supposed to be at (they do all look the same, except for the signs on the doors) I would have gotten out of my car and asked this man, for I knew someone was in the building! 20 seconds and they could have had their answer, instead of 20 minutes later, laced with hard feelings and having to schedule another time to come back.

I was frustrated and rather pissed off, what a Frickin waste of my time. How could I have avoided this situation? They were there that same morning, so I assumed that they would remember which door to come in. Where does this same behavior show up in my life? Where do I get so close to something then turn around and walk the other way, creating confusion, frustration, anger, etc?

I slammed the doors and drove off, the kids energetically bouncing up and down in the car. I seethed at them to be quiet, I was frustrated at the situation, letting my small ego self take control, effecting those around me that I love the most. Instead of going straight home to seethe more, I drove through the stoplight. Dustin looked over at me and asked why we were going to Northstar. I said we weren’t, we’re just going to Martis Valley. He nodded in understanding and replied “because you want to calm down?” Yes, little man, yes. I guess I am showing you and myself actions that we can take to settle our ego-selves and not let it rule our lives – like going to a meadow to watch the sunset and breathe, instead of bring this energy home, into our sacred temple to simmer.

This works for me, helping me to not bring this energy into our home. Dakar and I are working on creating a higher vibration in our home by practicing our meditations every day. In our ovary breathing this evening, I stood naked at the window looking outside at the brilliant stars and the remnants of one of the first snowfalls of the season. Placing my hands on my ovaries and beginning to breath, I see a portal of light open up to be a conduit of giving and receiving. I feel intense heat in my hands and womb/ovary area. I have fire everywhere inside. I guess the Amygdala transmission is continuing to work and integrate, showing me extreme dualities, even showing up in my photos and artwork. My pictures seem to be saturated with more drama, like the real me is starting to show up and express herself more.

FIRE AND ICE   FIRE AND ICE   FIRE AND ICE

At the start of our Oon Rahum session tonight, a very large tree showed up, I get visions of nature and animals a lot when singing Hashem, connecting to everything and the galactic center, feeling the presence of all creatures around, all of nature shows up in connection to aid and lend her support.

I felt like I was being swallowed up by a dark river with my womb shining out light, connected to source. Lying in this river, letting the dark waters wash all over and through me, I physically check to see if I have wet myself as it feels like I have water gushing out from me like I am the spring.

My ears are on fire, my right foot and shoulder are in hot, piercing pain, then it passes as I breathe through and settle back into just dissolving. I am a giant hologram of a body lying in the dark river, witness to and feeling real at the same time. Negative skies, dark whispers of water gliding through me, and still the light from my womb blazes up toward the galactic center, being fed by the forces of mother earth.

But all this fire today must just be for show, because as the flames crackle over the wood, the surrounding air in our home is still quite frigid.

FIRE AND ICE   FIRE AND ICE   FIRE AND ICE

Gazes turn to the sacred yoni

I am like the spider who devours her mate

I’ve had enough of you ~ I will eat you now

Another, deeper layer descends upon me

I take back the control you thought I willingly surrendered

There is no surrender! My will is stronger

You are weak as I watch you retreat beneath me

I have claimed yet another victim

I have won

Scurry back, little mouse

You have tried to stand up to me

It is useless

I have seen the devil in the fire

I am one with this fire

I feel it’s divine, hellish presence

You think that this war is over

HA! It has barely just begun

Satan’s flames licking at my heels

Engulfing me

Consuming me until I am one with Him

Oh, this dark river

Swimming in the depths of your fire

I become one with you

Seething and spitting

Flickering until my flames grow bright

Sitting, burning atop and within

This dark river; as fire upon an oil spill stuck in the water

Nothing can stop me now

Nothing, nothing

Until I am ready to burn myself out

Sit back, watch and enjoy the show, this sacred dance

Sure to be spectacular

Whatever side of the river you are perched upon

~Gaiel