Crazy Chillin

Day 78 ~ 12/17/10

This morning I relaxed into a massage from a woman with amazing hands as she gave me a relaxing Hawaiian style Lomi Lomi massage. I could barely feel her hands touching me, but instead, I felt waves of energy rolling across my body, as if the energy that was the extension of her physical hands was massaging me. I have been feeling intense heat in my womb and I started sweating again on her table. I had the notion to run my ovary breath while I was lying down receiving the massage and the heat within me ripples throughout every cell of my body, every pore of my skin.

When the massage was complete she left the room and I ran my Shakti circuit, still lying face down on the table. I have no idea where I went, I just know that I left the room for a while until a car went by on the road, bringing me back to physical consciousness. I looked up and out of the window saw the most ordinary tree in all her majesty that moment, sparkling with she snow and ice on her branches, the pristine white reminding me of absolute purity.

Shakti held her presence throughout the day, for as I was driving back from the massage, two guys were standing on the side of the road in the snowstorm. One stuck his thumb out and I pulled over to give them a ride in town. They had been waiting for the bus for quite some time, and as they saw my car coming, he felt in that moment to try to hitchhike, as they had not done earlier. Such is the flow of Shakti, and I was able to give them a ride to their desired destination, a tattoo shop – though it was not in the flow of my Shakti in this moment to join them in getting inked!

Every song I listen to with the word “Crazy” in it seems to make more sense than anything else. I feel like I am stepping into and living in a different dimension. The artwork coming through is completely different, reminds me more of space and the galaxy, reminds me of home. As I meditate on my womb mandala, I see it more in 3D, up in the galaxy, rotating around the stars, and yet, I feel strangely grounded. What song would you add?

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley 
"Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?"

Crazy by Seal
“In a world full of people 
only some want to fly
isn’t that crazy…

well we’re never gonna survive 
unless we get a little crazy…”
 

Crazy by James
"This magic world, this magic world
This magic world, it inspires

With the faith that I was born with
In my schooling in the forges
Time has lost it's power to do it's worst
But I don't mean to bore you
With the details of my story
Can't help myself, help myself I conspire

This magic world, this magic world
This magic world, it inspires

I'm not crazy I'm just laughing at myself
I can look so strong yet feel so insecure
I'm not crazy I'm just laughing at myself
Even when I look so strong I feel so small

This is the face that I was born with
In a race I can't keep up with
Separate the stardust from the dirt
But I don't mean to bore you
With the details of my story
Can't help myself help myself I'm a liar

But I'm not crazy I'm just laughing at myself
I can look so strong and yet feel so insecure
No I'm not crazy I'm just laughing at myself
Even when I look so strong I feel so small
No I'm not crazy I'm just laughing at myself
I don't know if I'm the poison or the cure"

My mom is caring and concerned that I may have a brain aneurism and I should see a doctor if my memory continues to escape me. Funny thing is, I am calm and I know exactly what is happening to me. I haven’t experienced it in this lifetime before, but I am told from within it is just a readjustment, part of the process of my body syncing into a different energy. No reactions, just choice moments and response. I feel it’s easier to explore it by not having a job or distracting work. It can be done, but when I feel like I want to sit and contemplate or meditate anywhere for a minute or a while at a moments notice, it is easier to know that I have the time to do so. My family is getting used to it!

Namaste

Paper Marigolds

Day 77 ~ 12/16/10

All I want to do these days is sleep! Very tired, calm and relaxed. I have not been going out much, being a hermit at home feels very good. I remember when the holiday season meant shopping at malls and decorating for Christmas. With all the releasing and dissolving of stuff recently, I don’t even want to shop! Do I just stop altogether, not getting anything for the kids? We ended up buying a guitar for DJ and a friend of ours has agreed to provide lessons (maybe I’ll take lessons too!) For Emily, because she just does not care about stuff, we are giving her the gift of our time, a special day she can redeem for herself with just mom and dad.

Dakar and I went to Reno while the kids were at school. We took some more stuff by the thrift store, and I found myself still wanting to attach myself to it. I cleaned out another bag full of kitchen plastics in an effort to change over to stainless, ceramic, glass and cast iron to eat from, filling our bodies with even less plastic toxins. In giving away some serving platters, I thought I should distribute them to the schools, here and there. Why? Why do I care where the stuff goes? As long as I am not holding on to it anymore, I feel like it shouldn’t matter, but my practical side wants to continue to sort things out in an orderly fashion. AAAAHHHH! Life is too practical! Too reasonable! Too predictable! I let it go and forgot all about the stuff.

I ended up making calendars for our whole family, using photographs I shot we felt it would be nice to share this with our families. Emily and I wrapped the calendars, and as we were doing so, I felt like this was a simple way of taking a little bit of time to think about each family member, to send some of my love to them. Feels like moments of sharing just by sending a card or gift of any kind. Instead of being such a scrooge about gifts, getting caught up in being judgmental about the greed and consumerism, I stepped back and started changing my perception, changing the value I place on giving to another. It’s about connecting with family and friends because I want to share, not buying them something because that is tradition and I think that I have to.

All of this and I am finding myself having to slow down just to function. My eyes ache from straining and it is hard to see straight (or see like I used to, maybe I am now starting to see straight for the first time!). I was looking at a set of numbers and I couldn’t relate to them. I could clearly see that they were numbers, but I forgot how to say “four” when I saw “4”.  I had to breathe and remember how to read numbers! This is not the first time, but since the transmission into the Black Light a few days ago, my world is rapidly changing. I went into the market for bananas and avocados, and more than a simple brain fart, I stood in the middle of the store, not sure where I was until an employee asked me if I was okay. I looked at her, smiled, then remembered where I was.

In scrolling back through my journal, I saw a poem I had copied last year when I was taking a writing class. It was a very random, abstract and beautiful poem, no rhyme or reason, just writing what was flowing through to the paper. I wondered why I had not written the author’s name down on the paper after the poem. I searched the title “Paper Marigolds” online, even typed in some of the context of the poem trying to figure out who wrote it. I spent more than an hour pouring over the poem and researching it before I realized it was written through me last April 2009!

Paper Marigolds

In this fandango

There lies a tree

Once a great guardian

Now a watcher on the ground

A medley of children

Laughing, screaming, playing

They climb the tree

Looking for ants and worms

The skinny one prompts the round one to suckle the juice of the insect

Sweet nectar! This is what I’ve been missing

The syrup glaze trickling down my throat

The watcher’s gaze as the clouds change formation in the sky

Paper marigolds placed where
I lie

It has come to this

The place where I fly

Generous circles

Incomplete in their rings

As spirals come through

Completing all things

Concrete platforms

On which zombies stand

The simple grass of spring

As I slide down the hill

Nozzles from hydrants

Cleaning the air

Bees form a tight line

As they buzz over the water

Long lines and laughter

Imagining frogs and turtles

Stacked atop one another

See the rainfall on the TV

Beware the house on fire

Beware the goats bleat

Beware the costume changes

Beware of your own feet

~ Gaiel  04/09

Namaste

Mercury in Retrograde

Mercury in Retrograde

 

Day 76 ~ 12/15/10

I don’t even know what that means, people talk about Mercury in Retrograde, and when it happens, it just seems like energies intensify, people are more scattered and distracted without knowing why. Does astrology and connecting with universal patterns really mean anything? Or do they only mean something because we place a meaning to them? If no one ever proposed that Mercury in retrograde equals disruptions, would we live our lives differently? Or would we still be affected, just not knowing why? Seems to matter less and less, except to maybe understand where someone is coming from.

I went in to have my tires changed over to studs (handles the snow and ice on the road better in winter conditions) and 4 out of the 7 or 8 people who were at the tire store all had come in with flat tires. My first thought was Mercury is in Retrograde!

The new snow carpeted our generous Mother with a fresh, crisp, clean gift of pure whiteness.  A bluebird day for skiing got me out of the house to take my first ski turns of the season. Though still tired, it was invigorating to be out in the cold weather, exercising my body, in gratitude for Gaia. I brought this softness I have been feeling with me as an extension of the soft fluffy snow. I absolutely LOVE Alpine Meadows! One can hike and hike further reaches of the mountain and continue to find fresh powder to ski all day, pretty much no matter when (well, after it snows). Allowing my body to be strong at its core, but soft and flexible made my turns flow much better, moving with the mountain, not resisting it. Ahhhhhh….. :~)

Alpine Meadows

Working on staying present with softness, feeling the pause and choice to blow up or not, I am gaining control over my reactions as they are not just blurting out unless I want them to. It’s like I can still yell or get upset about something, but it’s because I want to blow off steam, or I can settle into soft acceptance and not say a word because that is how I want to react. This is a fun game!

I notice my heart hurting, not in an “this hurts so bad” physical pain, but more a physical pain to get my attention. I feel like there are tendrils of energy stretching from my heart, reaching through my body with an ever expanding fire breath. The heat moves through me touching every cell of who I AM, and I just sit here and silently observe it, inviting it to burn away all that needs to go, trusting that all is in perfect order, even if I don’t know what is going on.

Re-watching the movie Avatar was a perfect ending to this day, watching the beauty of a community truly living in harmony with their mother. We have communities here on Earth who live this way too, it’s just not as common to see it as a part of every day life…yet. How do you live with your Earth mother? Will you honor her the best way you know how? Will you continue to seek for the purity of consciousness that is your gift to be received in this lifetime? Do you know that you are supported on your journey, no matter what it looks like?

“Whether you think you can or cannot, you are right.” ~ Henry Ford

Namaste

Teamwork

Angels in Sesion

Day 75 ~ 12/14/10

A soft breath flowing through my ovary breathing into my feminine circuitry, not a hard, intense power, but a soft, silent power, flowing through…keeping me soft and staying in my heart and womb even with disrupting energy around me that would have set me off into an explosive reaction before.

As Dakar and I continue to relate to the IRS from a different viewpoint I understand that this issue is not necessarily about money. For our whole relationship we have been living separate financial lives. He pays for most of everything, and I pay for little bits here and there, separate bank accounts, separate postal boxes, separate bills for our businesses. We have a joint personal account, but I never bother with it, and he is the one who takes care of all the household bills as well.

He wants me to help him gather information for our taxes, I have no idea what he is asking me for. I realize that he is in fear about many things and he wants me to be involved. Some of me is in avoidance because I think the whole thing is a joke, but it’s not going to go away until we finish dealing with it. While we are in a conversation completely disagreeing with one another, I find that this is an opportunity for us to finally figure out how to work together. As we bond and dissolve on more levels spiritually, we must also bond on a physical level.

I understand that this is a way to figure out how to communicate so we are no longer separate. We have prided ourselves on our individuality, but for me, this has led to not feeling like I am an integral part of our “relationship”. We talk about how we can communicate in a clearer way, how we speak with each other and how we respect each other. I feel like even if it is not my journey to directly deal with the IRS, it is my journey to bring a sense of stability into our relationship, grounding myself, that I may be a pillar of soft, powerful support, so that Dakar may feel held together when he is dealing with the finances. It is clearly a time to realize that we are a team, we each have our own unique strengths and weaknesses, and we should work together so we are collectively stronger, not trying to do everything by ourselves. I guess I have never truly functioned well as a team. I have always enjoyed being alone, even though I have great admiration for those who are able to communicate and work together and produce an amazing outcome, in whatever genre.

I run my Shakti circuit and feel sensitive in every pathway, exploring the feelings, the heat, the cool, the flow of energy just moving through me. I feel like the calmness I have been in the past few days is effecting the kids, they seem more focused and appreciative of my love for them. They are hugging me longer, tighter. I can feel the love seeping through them! Emily hugs me and says “Wow Mom, it’s like your heart is pounding so hard it’s going to explode right out of your chest!”

I can feel the wounds created my the dagger actually healing. I share these experiences with my mom, and I can tell she wants to believe me, but she has resistance to my story. It’s really okay, I am no longer bound by her opinions running my life, and I have so much more respect for her and where she is at, accepting that is her truth, not necessarily mine. I can feel my Christ self coming out, leaking through me, showing me that I have more work to do, being okay with that and also allowing myself to rest and continue to recalibrate to where my soul is truly coming from.

I have been not keeping up with my writing again, the waves come and go. It feels as if to journal I am not in the moment. I go back through the feelings I was experiencing and they turn to mind memories, and it takes me away from this moment. I also feel like I will catch up and keep it up because writing has proven to be able to take me on a much deeper, inquisitive and honest journey within.

Until next time, Namaste

 

Resting in Softness

 

Day 74 ~ 12/13/10

I am so grateful to not feel like I have to get up and go to work on this Monday morning. Seeing the kids off to school, coming home and sinking into softness today. Resting, resting, intentionally not thinking about anything. I go into yoga and stretch further, quietly and breathe into my heart. Playing with gimp, a free art program I find that the art flowing through me has a different flow to it. The pictures being created are becoming more similar to what I see in my head…so I just stay in as much silence as I am still integrating the Black Light, readjusting and recalibrating my body…I am so very tired, like I haven’t slept in ages…

Namaste

 

Fiery Sulphur

Sulphuric Veins

Day 73 ~ 12/12/10

Dakar was gracious enough to take the kids skiing today while I stayed home in quiet.

I say to my daughter “Have fun skiing!”

Em says “I will. Have fun sitting in the quiet house doing nothing.”

“Oh, I will!” I said.

She replies “Well, I don’t know how you’re going to do that, it will be too quiet. How will you have fun?”

“Don’t you worry about that, I will be just fine.” I said.

I draw sulphur “Born from the released fire of Earth, I am a master in the realm of explosive eruption and the fiery nature. My flame in your hand will soften the edges of expressions and situations, taming the roaring flames that only manifest pain.

Sit down and let us nurture the fire of you to a warm glow by which you can seek comfort and guidance without the fear of being burned. In the orange-red glow of your newly disciplined light and vitality, rise now and shine physically radiant in the world.

Now, harboring the power of the yellow ray, lift your will and creativity. Embrace your fiery potential and see perfection in all that you do. Stare deeply into your own eyes, until you see the dancing flames, let them melt away all that blocks you and the many paths you manifest. The Bennu has been reborn, a vision of the spirit’s glory physically realized.” (pg. 257 Liquid Crystal Oracle by Justin Moikeha Asar)

How fitting is it to be embraced by fire today, burning away patterns I have lived in for so long, resting in silence, reflecting on loving myself in the physical, taking the time to see and appreciate myself, sitting in reflection with the Lion.

I haven’t employed people for a while and tonight during our Oon Rahum meditation feelings of being a boss came up for me. I felt like there was something here to dive into, if I didn’t it would resurface, so I asked Dakar to help me, to ask questions probing deeper, to we could discuss my feelings and issues so that I may let them go.

I defined being a boss as having to have power in a masculine, militant, judgmental and authoritive way. It seems that I have learned the most in my lifetime by listening and learning from physically larger, powerful, booming men. I have let myself feel intimidated by their presence, keeping me small, yet I have respected how they carry and present themselves, thinking that their word is truth. I have tried to emulate what I see in these men, standing strong and trying to be powerful, but it never worked. I’m pretty sure I have lost more respect from people by presenting myself in this way, because that is not who I authentically am. It is not for me to present myself in a powerfully masculine way, obviously.

Feeling like I didn’t command respect from myself or from my employees made me wrong. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. I had quite a few employees cycle through my shop that were incredible mirrors of unworthiness for me, it was very hard to look at and accept this trait within myself. Trusting this process of Dakar’s mental probing questions (even though I asked for it) was difficult, like being squashed like an insignificant bug. However, there is no other way around it, I must look and accept myself through this experience. My soul wants to drop into softness so the true voice of my power is heard. The only way to help empower someone else is to live it within me. In can only respect myself and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks or feels or does. It’s all about me, and then it isn’t.

So I learned that even though I was very generous and tried hard to create a positive environment, I really wanted a mutually great continuing relationship with my employees, it did not always last. I believe that it was temporary because not everyone wanted to dive in and look at themselves as much as I did. If not all parties are together in the moment to upgrade and empower themselves, then the relationship will not last. And sometimes people just go in and out of each other’s lives for a moment or two, and if a lasting bond is created and sustained, then it is meant to be. If it is not, then that is okay too. Just being grateful to have the capacity to understand that I can learn from my life and recreate it in every moment, and not feeling like my life is controlling me is wonderful. Its funny, because it’s like life is life, but which side of the window do I want to watch it from, to be creating it from? From a place of awareness where I can be free in my choice to react, or from a place of unawareness where I just react because I don’t know what else to do.

Namaste

Playing with Fire

Black Light of Isis

 

 Day 72 ~ 12/11/10

DJ says, “ What if there is an evil Santa Claus?”

“What do you mean?” I say.

He replies “Well, the real Santa leaves you books and clothes and stuff. What if the evil Santa Claus is the one that gets you what you really want?”

All of a sudden I don’t know whether to laugh or believe him!!!

Today I was given the opportunity to remain at peace within myself, choosing to not take on Dakar’s frustration’s with the government and IRS and all the RULES in general that life has to offer. I did what I could to listen to him, ranging from active listening all the way to just ignoring his ranting. He feels that I am avoiding dealing with the financial instability we have with the IRS, but I feel like I am just handling it in a different way. I’m not sure how they figure we owe them over $130K when we lost 60% of our business last year, the whole income tax system is technically voluntary anyway. Actually, it is mandatory that everyone files, but the rules state that payment to the IRS is voluntary…but they have America in a stronghold controlled by fear…if we stand up for our “rights” we are punished, accused, humiliated, jailed, living in a prison systematically set up to keep people enslaved to the “powers that be”. They don’t want people to know or revolt that they are actually behaving in “illegal” manners.

I mentioned to Dakar that he was probably the one who helped set up this system in the first place in a different lifetime, and now he is dealing with being on the seemingly powerless end of it. Anyway, I don’t feel a strong reaction because I have complete trust that everything will work itself out. We will take the steps we need to in the moment. For me, it doesn’t matter if we go bankrupt, it feels like a way of energetically dissolving financial dependency and really surrendering into trust. We are the kind of people that will continue to always get back up, dust ourselves off and move forward once again, no matter what.

I can only laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation. The insane amount of money helped me realize what a joke and how fake the monetary system really is. Selling equipment at a loss but depreciation shows a gain…I don’t understand it, the government makes up money out of thin air and IT’S ALL FAKE!!! The Creature from Jekyll Island. So we are imprisoning ourselves trying to play this money game keeping us distracted from what is really important, but we have many great reminders, constantly letting us know that we can choose to stay in this game, or we can do the work to find our own freedom. Maybe we are supposed to live in this world, playing the games, but our attitude and the way we handle the situations with judgment, projections, love or acceptance is defines our reality, is what creates the true freedom in our lives. Freedom from mental slavery ~ Redemption Song by Bob Marley

“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.”

~ Rodin (1840-1917)

As my body reminds me that I am tired, I am beginning to feel that the masculine way of the world in which I have been trying to compete with for so long has completely drained me. I am exhausted. I can see how people can break and collapse from exhaustion. Our bodies are not meant to live this way. My advise to you is even if you cannot financially afford it, take a vacation anyway! Take a break, even if it is just to take a week or a few days off from your normal routine and take a walk into nature, sit with the earth and allow her to rejuvenate your soul, then bring her back into your daily routine, even if its only taking a few minutes a day to say hi to some plants, trees, birds and sky. Breathe in her love and feel her embrace surrounding you. This is the connection our bodies and souls long for…this, and not all the money in the world…is what will help you find peace and happiness.

Tonight I sat in meditation, immersing myself into the Black Light of Isis transmission with the help of my friend Araya. I felt my body rise to standing (even though I was still sitting), my back and neck were on fire. I watched as I pulled away the skin on the back of my neck, over my head, down my shoulders to reveal a transparent shadow body, reflecting the world/universe around her. I pulled the body suit off and saw a thin golden thread of attachment. I broke this cord and saw the bodysuit in a pile, and the shadow body flying away, free to roam and explore the galaxy.

Sinking into a soft, deep space, I listen to all of the world around me, from the neighbors in loud laughter having fun at their party, to the sounds of the vehicles on the freeway, trains rumbling on their steel tracks in the distance. Eventually I fall asleep, waking several times throughout the night. When I fully woke in the morning, I breathed into all of my body and I could feel it rippling like I was in a vibrational pool of watery energy. I was floating, but settling back into my body…I lay and rested, nestled in my soft, cozy covers for a long time, grateful that Dakar and the kids were reminding each other to be silent and peaceful so that I could have rest. It is easy to wake up and remain soft and peaceful during the day when I don’t feel any expectations on me to get up and start immediately doing stuff, self imposed or otherwise.

Namaste  

 

Just say “NO”

Day 71 ~ 12/10/10         

My Message From God Today (and yesterday):

On this day of your life, Gaiel, we believe God wants you to know ... that until you learn how to say 'no', you will never be able to fully say 'yes'.

Unless you know how to set boundaries to form your safe space, you will always be concerned that saying 'yes' might put you in danger. So you will always pull back a little from saying 'yes' with your whole heart. Paradoxically, knowing how to say 'no' to form boundaries gives much more power to your 'yes'.

I know who I am saying NO to today! It was the beginning of the day and as I got up and checked my emails, I received an interesting question in my inbox. A bride I had done wedding photography for in July just contacted me. I haven’t corresponded with her since August, now it’s December. Evidently I spelled her name wrong, “Sarah” instead of “Sara”. She asked if I would remake the photo discs I burned for her to change the spelling. The CD’s work fine. My husband’s given name is Derek, he gets addressed as Darryl, Derrick, Dirk, Erick, Dakar, Asshole…etc. My given name is Gail, I get called Gale, Dale, Snail, Whale, Pail, Bitch, Meany, Sweetie, etc.

My first question was “Seriously?” Oops, sorry I misspelled your name. Does this affect the quality of the pictures? It is a private CD for her own use, I am sure hundreds of people have also spelled her name “wrong”. Should I change it or is this a petty request? My first gut instinct was to say NO. Big deal, get over it. Then as I thought about it, it wouldn’t be a big deal to say Yes and redo her CD – with new album design (I didn’t save the artwork) it would only take me an hour or so, plus supplies, plus postage. But then I wondered, why did it take her 5 months to ask me? If it was a big problem, wouldn’t she have asked me to remake it when she received it in August? So I’m feeling that there is an issue on her end of acceptance. Something irked her so much that she feels like she has to revert to pettiness to “get” something that is not necessarily going to make her happy anyway. I know how she feels, I have done the same thing, and I have never received ultimate happiness by creating waves in a petty manner, the issue always stems from a much larger, internal unhappiness. So, I am saying NO to her request (unless she wants to pay me for my time) and thanking her for the opportunity she gave me to say NO today. Thank you Sarah – I mean Sara!

So having the courage to be authentic in my truth, Facebook tends to be a fun little  playground for me. Today, I saw a post by a “friend” who is supposedly a teacher of some sort of psychological stuff or life coaching or something. She posts about liberating the soul, love and light, sh** like that. So the past couple of days, I have seen her posts and she was super excited about receiving a package in the mail that she has been waiting for. I think she ordered a backpack or something. Her friends were supportive of when she would get it, how cool it would be, etc. So, of course, I said “Why are you so focused on “getting” something?” An hour later I checked, and she had removed herself from my “friend” list. Way to go lightworker! It seems the further into my shadow I dive to find the truth of who I am, the more “lightworker friends” I have associated with in the past go away. Maybe they’re not grounded enough and the truth of living in this human existence is too heavy and the wind blows them away…(I would know, I’m getting over this condition myself!)

Anyway, the truth pops up everywhere at anytime, especially when it is inconvenient. If you’re only looking to confront the truth of your shadow when it is convenient for you, then you will stay stuck. If you run away from someone that points it out to you, then it’s not within you to face it right now. Maybe it will never be time. It’s your choice, that’s just the way it is. Not very popular work, but hey, “The truth is often harsh, but always fair.” ~ Brian Klemmer

There are workshops that create a safe place for identifying and learning about your shadow and how to work with it, but we all still have to live in this world. Until you make your everyday world a safe place, seeing every meeting or correspondence with someone as a place to practice becoming your authentic self, most likely you will live in fear and drag out the process of transforming yourself.

Anyway, this journaling is extraordinarily therapeutic for me, as I am finding after I write it, most of the time its gone. Even the “issues” I just acknowledged above have dissolved and I have no charge on them. Now, its just a story, silly in fact, and none of it is real anymore.

Continuing to clean out my womb and sexual organs every day, there are still physical symptoms that pop up, like this sharp pain in my pelvic area and a massive amount burning  pain through my right shoulder. This is associated with the recent discovery of the masculine way for centuries. Ever since the removal of the dagger, my ovary breathing energy has transformed from icy cool energy running through me to a warm, tingly energy. My joints are popping all over the place, lots of stretching and expanding. I continue to feel like I don’t fit in my body!

I am preparing to receive a Black Light transmission tomorrow night and I read up on Isis and darkness in the Christ Blueprint. I have always enjoyed being by myself, and darkness has been welcome as descending into darkness feels more and more like home every day. 

Namaste

Necromancer

Necromancer

Day 70 ~ 12/09/10

Ah, the releasing properties of calcite! Green calcite was with me today as I went about my day connecting with people in the world. I felt like I was just dancing around the day in sweet and calming peace.

I met up with a long time friend and catalyst that I haven’t seen in a while, and we were able to chat for a few minutes. I could see the longing in her face as we discussed pressures of life and working towards freedom. She sensed in me a freedom that she longs to taste for herself. This moment continues to validate the work I am doing and wanting to share it in any way I can, even if it is just to create space in my life so I can have a soul warming discussion over a cup of tea, or watching our kids play at a park…wanting to just be there to listen with an open heart to another beautiful being opening up to their own discoveries.

Dakar was receiving a transmission for himself today and I could feel my ovaries hurting while he was receiving. Our connection runs deeper than I thought…

I am feeling so very tired physically, like my body has been going and going for ever and just needs a break, time to recharge. It is serendipitous that I recently let go of my busy-ness world that now major energetic changes are happening…or more likely it is because I have let them go that I can now focus on what I have been running away from in my spiritual world.

Creating art this evening and seeing what wants to come through, I listen to a song titled Necromancer sung by Gnarls Barkley. I didn’t know what the word meant so I looked that up as well. Seems the timing of the ceremonial dagger removal, the colors, shapes and play on words are also “serendipitous” to the releasing of baggage from lifetimes of experiencing.

Namaste

 

Shakti, Expanding and Releasing

Lotus Flower of the Womb

Day 69 ~ 12/08/10         

Shakti runs through me as a clear channel, orgasming into my 1^st, 2^nd and 3^rd gates, watching the 4^th gate open up as a lotus flower. I am swimming in the depths of my womb, seeing a channel of soft, floaty wispy-ness entering up through the 4^th gate toward 5^th, and 6^th gates. I gently and orgasmically guide Shakti up and through this cloudy mist, as she rises upward she explodes through the 7^th gate, reaching for my heart.

I weep big, surrendering tears and see the golden clouds around my heart open to reveal a new (to me) geometry pattern – a golden red square with knobs on the points, intricate pattern like the top of a Romanesco (Fibonacci spiraled) broccoli head fills the inside of this square. Reaching up through my heart beautiful sounds escape and sings out loud as Shakti reaches my throat and jaw – first a low bass sound up the scale to high pitch sounding - near the top of this scale I stay here and know I have done extensive work with this note before. She sings through me and I stay on this note for some moments. Ceremonial memories abound here, powerful gatherings around sounding as Atlantis fills my consciousness…I look into my 3^rd eye and find weight on my masculine side. Gently, I shift myself until I feel balance, knowing that the beautiful dagger had once split my masculine and feminine into separation. I reach up and connect with BA, ushering in a wave of Shakti to her, down through my pineal gland, back to Alta major. I pulse with her wave of energy streaming through me, igniting and sustaining pathways that have been reopened. Questioning yet quiet, I am patient and knowing…and yet, a part of me feels like I am making all of this up…softly surrendering…

Romanesco Broccoli

I can feel Dakar as he drives down the street to leave and come home. How do I become whole and independent so that his energy does not effect/infect me? Circumstances don’t make me, they reveal me. How I respond to the life I am offered is what makes me.

I had a nice releasing talk with my really honest friend who aided me in my dagger transmission (among with so many others). We discussed why I had placed the dagger in my 3^rd eye in the first place thousands of years ago during a particular ceremony, keeping myself hidden in shame and guilt, living lifetimes of being wrong, especially around Dakar. I did it so that I would not misuse my power again…Dakar was also present at this ceremony, and I am learning what happened that has brought us together again to heal the wounds we created in both of us.

I couldn’t help but to weep on and off all day, releasing so much. My right shoulder aches more, but feels like a huge weight is dissolving, a big bubble of stored stagnant energy has broken and is leaking energy out through my shoulders. The weight is dispersing and the load becomes lighter.

Tonight after a much appreciated “light” movie, my ovary breath energy was moving through me, warm for the first time. I have only experienced this channel with a cool energy and it feels like every day this circuit is being widened, now with a warm toned light as well.

Our Oon Rahum Malaha meditation tonight leaves me expanding, stretching, reaching beyond the confines of this earth suit. My physical body feels much smaller, there is not enough room for all of me anymore, I have no choice but to breathe in and expand myself.

Namaste

Rainbow Fingerprint

 

I Feel Clean!

Maitreya's Secret Garden

 

Day 68 ~ 12/07/10         

Wow. Today was just a very nice, quiet and incredibly peaceful day. I was able to go outside and work in the sunshine for a while…warm enough to be in my tank top even with all of the snow on the ground. I feel so very clean.

Then Dakar came home and my ovaries immediately start to hurt again. I really don’t understand WHY!!! I breathe into my ovaries and my body, trying to become bigger than my issues. Does that really work all the time? Am I just faking that I can be bigger than my issues without really diving deep into them? It hasn’t worked to just “put a smile on my face and they’ll go away.” I want to understand why I feel this way, I am so tired of this suffering. Why do I feel better when he is not physically around me? Before it was just emotional pain, now its fiery hot physically piercing pain? How can I love this man so much yet continue to stay trapped in suffering while I’m around him? Is it his fault? Is it all my story? I was hoping last nights dagger removal would magically cure all of this suffering and we could live happily ever after. Disney ~ boo frickin hoo.

During my ovary breathing tonight, trying to calm the pain, I immediately see columns and rows of people on both sides of the well that is me, Yeshua is above. I watch as the enormous amount of energy surrounding all of us descends into light, coming back and swirling around me. Riding this wave through my channels, I notice people all around, people who have done the work before me, standing there to support this journey, animating a very clean energy throughout my body.

I’m still not at the point where I know how to interpret my meditative visions. Sometimes I just know what they mean, sometimes I have no clue what they mean. Does it even matter? I know that Dakar and I will work through this, something big is about to be revealed…I just know it! I also feel that it will bring about a much anticipated peace that I have been searching for…

I looked up who Lord Maitreya is, and while religious beliefs widely vary (what else is new?) I feel blessed that (he) would show up for me in this integral part of my journey. Now I understand why the presence and meditations of Yeshua has been so strong lately. “Christians know Him as the Christ, and expect His imminent return. Jews await Him as the Messiah; Hindus look for the coming of Krishna; Buddhists expect Him as Maitreya Buddha; and Muslims anticipate the Imam Mahdi or Messiah.”

On my knees in gratitude, I thank you.

Namaste

 

Dagger Removal

Adrenaline

 

Day 67 ~ 12/06/10         

My body has been generating an incredible amount of heat while I sleep. Everyday I’ve been waking up with my womb and back wet and sweaty, my bed is a hot plate! Emily cam in this morning and laid under the covers next to me for a couple of minutes. She looked straight into my eyes and says “Wow Mom, you’re really hot just like the sun!” :~)

Bloodstone is the stone of purification and it was amazing to see how she worked with me today. I met with a couple of representatives of our local high school to give them some leftover product I had from the flower shop (I still had a van full of supplies to donate.) They ended up taking two cars full vases and stuff. I wasn’t excited or sad to be donating to them. I was in a space of “this just is”. I found myself just going through the day with a joyful presence, happy to just be on this day.

“The green ray presented by this stone (bloodstone) is highly purifying of the emotions and encourages one to stay in a space if integrity, honor and truth. This is the sacred stone of the Egyptian goddess Ma’at, she is responsible for the weighing of the contents of one’s heart after a lifetime, a measure of purity and wisdom to determine future lives.” (pg. 77 Liquid Crystal Oracle by Justin Moikeha Asar)

I went to a yoga basics class with Dakar and he came out pissy that the class moved so fast. Then I became mad at him because I still allow his moods to effect me. If he was truly over it like he said he was, then wouldn’t I have felt him as neutral and not negative? When I am around Dakar lately it feels like my emotional reactions are on edge and possibly blown out of proportion. Diving into intense work with a partner is both super hard, yet rewarding, as the constant in your face issues that only a partner can bring up is realized. I remind myself to breathe to expand my life force, purify and expand my heart. This yoga class tonight helped me touch on a strong core center and opening of the heart, as well as softening and surrendering – something I really need to work on!

The time came for me to sit present in a transmission aided by a good friend to remove the dagger from my 3^rd eye. I was ready to be done with it, move beyond my fears and discover why I put it there in the first place. I worked with bloodstone and malachite and noticed my left hip get really hot and a severe pain in my right ovary. In meditation, I could feel the powerful surge of energy entering the back of my neck, like a lightening bolt of white heat sizzling into my body. My head was being massaged, creating space and softening the area around the blade. I felt to use my hands and gently pull out the dagger myself with compassion and love, thanking it for its duty, pulling out all of its threads and commanding this dagger to dissolve.

Immediately after watching the dagger be removed, and my brain wanting to disbelieve the process, my heart began to ache, as though I was having a heart attack. I could feel the excruciating toward the back of my heart, between my shoulder blades. I stripped naked and laid down feeling energy pour throughout my body. Some spots held enormous pain, some spots allowed the energy to flow through. I breathed myself to sleep and trusted my body and soul to complete this process.

Waking up at 4 am I felt alive, vibrant and completely recharged! I was ready to get up and start my day, fresh and more energized than I have felt in a long time. I breathed all of this energy back into my body and went back into a meditative sleep on purpose. I felt into the space where the dagger had been placed several thousand years ago and felt an empty hole, like the wound is now a puncture or an open cut and needs to heal and close. I feel a calm energy rush in and around, like a vortex swirling in my 3^rd eye, soft and lighter. My being feels cleansed, purified and forgiving on a deep level. I watch as the dagger is now placed on a ceremonial table with people in their beautiful clothing gather around as if to honor the table of daggers…what does the dagger wish to communicate with me now?

I don’t know what it means now or how I will be effected, but am paying attention!

Namaste

Adrenaline Rush

 

Opening to Flow

Galactic Ice Glass

 

Day 66 ~ 12/05/10         

Sometimes what want to do, or what I say I want to do just doesn’t flow well. I guess I always have the choice to wait until it does, otherwise it’s like standing my ground to get something done, but then realizing I am standing in quicksand.

As you have probably noticed, I am writing about every day’s explorations within myself, but I don’t always get them up onto the blog in a consistent and orderly fashion. I journal every day capturing the essence and emotions of what I was discovering and feeling in a moment, then wait until I have the time and space for the words to flow through me, knowing that they will come when I am clear and they are ready to be written.

I find that while I am writing voluntarily, I am not being paid and no one is forcing me to write, I can still have a slight sense of guilt if I don’t keep up on my story - all self imposed, of course. I create guilt within me, allowing myself to feel overwhelmed when I have several days to catch up on. Am I being lazy to my commitment? Am I being honest with myself by knowing that the words aren’t flowing in a particular moment so relax and just be with the moment until it does happen? All of this and it is showing me that it really doesn’t matter. If I journal for a few days then edit them into one post, it is a really good opportunity to simplify and edit my thoughts and feelings. I can pick out what has been the most significant, yet how do I choose? Every day there is new spaces to explore within and around me, sometimes the most seemingly insignificant event holds a valuable opportunity for major discovery. Writing about it all helps me expose this to myself.

As I went to a mellow flow yoga class with Dakar today, it validated the above point of discovering something about myself, others and life in general in every moment – my body is still not very flexible but not as sore as I was either! The pain is there but suffering is optional. Laughing through the pain of yoga and stretching it out, not carrying it within by being anymore, finding that this is also an everyday practice to really move quickly through certain pains and revelations.  

Water

Straight into ovary breathing tonight, I can now in one breath reconnect with this particular energy circuit, feeling it run its cool energy through me, I rededicate and ask it to strop and dissolve this newly exposed layer I have willingly entered. I can feel a small thread of blue light, its watery energy circulating, it feels like a more powerful, more massive thread was formed in order to work through some of this new heavy, gunky layer. While the thin thread of energy circulated, I could see just how small the thread was, and a glimpse of the tidal wave of energy that will eventually run its course through me. I am shown that I must work through the stages of progression. I, II, III, IIII, IIIII, etc., increasingly thicker threads and strands of energy will progressively work through me, opening and clearing this ovary breath channel with increasing intensity as I go. Today, I had level II working its way through me, it was a bit of a challenge to keep it going until it was also fully circulating. #I paved the way like a small diameter drill, #II makes the path or channel larger paving the way for #III, and so on. So this beautiful flow of glassine blue/white energy crept up my back, I felt like I had something stuck in my back as well as the dagger in my 3^rd eye…dude, I am sooooo at the beginning again! 

Dakar and I dove into our Oon Rahum meditation. I was feeling like I wanted the discoveries to continue. I just had an interesting revelation during the ovary breathing, cleaning out a larger path, lets keep it up tonight! Besides some major gas and bloating that I continue to blame on an imbalance of probiotics in my digestion track, or maybe it was the salad, flax, hemp and sesame seeds, or perhaps the goat cheese? Anyway, the only thing running through me during Oon Rahum this evening was monkey mind. I was going through the motions not connecting with anything. Of course I am comparing all my experiences to times when I have a fantastic story to tell of the visual meditations previously experienced, so when I experience nothing, it feels like I might be wasting my time. In this case, I found it became an opportunity for more awareness of where I’m still at, my lack of passion, false humility, still being primarily controlled by a masculine ego mind. Argh, I don’t know what’s right anymore, and why is apathy a bad thing? I do know I’m more in connection with myself when I am having a conversation from the powerful depths within me…giving and receiving and sharing another’s presence…

As I contemplate making myself good, bad or indifferent, I reel in frustration with Dakar as he says he wants to jump right into yoni gazing - I asked him to make it happen after Oon Rahum – and he falls asleep instead. Perfect time to go with the flow or try to push something to make it happen. I feel like I must initiate everything spiritually and sabotage us by calling him a weak bastard due to my insecurities. This new layer I am walking through houses much deeper memories, centuries of repression for the feminine as well as the masculine. BLAH! Welcome to the depths oh Hell once more…

I sometimes don’t feel respect for Dakar even though I know he holds a great deal of respect within him. Mostly I come across these feelings at the beginning of a new layer when I have to make the choice to dive right back into myself again. I don’t have respect for Dakar because I don’t’ have respect for me. I cover up, make excuses, resist, delay, blame and procrastinate…this familiar pattern over and over again, not wanting to immediately surrender into vulnerability, but instead be a victim in suffering for a while.

I feel like he is selfish for talking about himself and his problems more, not paying attention to me. In this realization I recognize my selfishness, trying to fill an internal void by thinking someone else has to pay attention to me. I end up realizing that I am not whole. I decide to not play victim tonight, so I end up interviewing Dakar with guiding questions about where his commitment and dedication is to himself and to this process of self discovery. I am saving this interview and will publish it on my Christmas Day blog, as it is a beautiful gift from the way of the masculine into the depths of his own realizations.

Namaste

Picasso's Ice

Beginning Again in a Very Small World

Day 65 ~ 12/04/10

Today, I put a Lodestone rock in the center of our home. It is a wonderful rock for grounding, with its simple purpose to hold and embrace our Mother Earth. As I became more present with the stone throughout the day, I felt increasingly grounded in my physical body, slowing down, completing tasks as simple as walking across the room with purpose and intention. I didn’t feel heavy, but rooted, not flying off into outer space somewhere.

I’ve noticed lots of videos and conversations around me exploring just how small our Earth home really is. How can we be alone in this vast universe? We are so small in comparison to the galactic universe. Some scientists seem so desperate to prove that life outside of the Earth does not exist. Could it be that other beings live on different planets in a different body form that does not look like ours? I have memories of speaking with different beings…maybe my imagination, maybe not.

I went to another yoga class today and acknowledge that I am WAAAAY outside of my comfort zone, noticing all my judgments and observations, how other people talk to one another. Just listening to conversation helps me to understand where they’re coming from. One instructor continually repeated herself during the hour, over and over. I don’t even remember what it was about now, something about going at your own pace and not trying to keep up with other people or something like that. I personally did not feel that what she was saying applied to me, but it allowed me to understand that this is something that she herself deals with in her own life.

I am a beginner again and it’s AWESOME! A huge transition is occurring, like I’ve been in school for so long, now I’m opening the doors waiting for graduation to come, excited to be on the journey of exploring a different world, a new life ahead of me that I am actively creating in every moment. It’s perfect.

So during my ovary breathing tonight, I felt like I was back to only allowing a little bit of energy to surge through me, nudging me to continually refocus. If I really want to be free, I must tap into more intensity and blast through this next layer I’ve begun. I reflect on the dagger that is still lodged in my third eye, feeling it’s presence more and more every day now. Why have I not dealt with it yet? What am I still afraid of? I have made excuses of not being ready to remove it yet, which feels true, but I know that I am afraid of really seeing what I have been blocking for so long.  What will happen if suddenly I am able to clearly see (what? Bad stuff? Good stuff?)…fear of the unknown…such a habitually ingrained reaction that I have programmed myself to use over and over and over.

I am really tired of having this fear continue to pop up all the time, so I make excuses and justifications that it is something else, but as I look at myself, I cannot live with myself and continue to lie straight to my own face when I know something to be false. If I do not know something to be false, that is when an opportunity presents itself in front of me to acknowledge it or not. If I don’t say “Hi -  this is a lie and not a part of my truth anymore”, then it will continue to present itself to me in many forms until I do recognize and embrace it.

I feel like a broken record, saying the same things over and over again, guess it’s my clue that I’ve not dealt with this in its completeness yet. Like my mom would say “Get a dog, name it Clue, then you’ll have a Clue!”

POWER

“Power made me a coat. For a long time I kept it in the back of my closet. I didn’t like to wear it much but I always took good care of it. When I first started wearing it again, it smelled like mothballs. As I wore it more, it started fitting better, and stopped smelling like mothballs.

I was afraid if I wore the coat too much someone would want to take it, or else I would accidentally leave it behind in the dojo dressing room. But it has my name on the label now, and it doesn’t really fit anyone else. When people ask me where I found such a becoming garment, I tell them about the tailor, Power, who knows how to make coats that you grow into. First, you must find the courage to approach Power and request a coat. Then, you must find the patience inside yourself to wear the coat until it fits.”

~  The Book of Qualities ~ J. Ruth Gendler 1984

Namaste

It's All a Joke!

Space of Madness

 

Day 64 ~ 12/03/10

Maybe it’s the fact that I am cleaning and getting rid of, maybe it’s watching the behavior of others that make me not want to buy into the shopping craze that occupies people at the Christmas holiday. Because I have experienced it (not Black Friday, I stay far away from shopping that day), it’s easy to see how the masses of people continue to follow traditions year after year, staying distracted from what really matters. But who am I to judge? Maybe this is what really matters to someone else, it’s just where they are at.

I am feeling more grounded, loads of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m learning that this woman’s shoulders was not built to have to handle it all, that’s why there are lots of people in world. There was an interesting video about Tribal Leadership by Dave Logan that was appropriate for this time we are living in the world, and it made sense to me. It’s okay to be okay with other people’s choices and journey’s, no matter where they are at.

I also watched the movie “The Invention of Lying”. I love this movie for so many reasons. What if we did all tell the truth all the time? Would our lives be better for it? Are all little white lies hurtful at some level? Does it build the ego of someone else or make them confident in themselves?

Often it feels like this is all just a big load of bullshit. None of this is real, what’s it all for. Just a big friggin game that we have to try to navigate through, making up rules as we go. A big play and all of it is fake. It’s where I AM at, y’all. Maybe tomorrow I'll go play with the fairies and place gold at the end of rainbows with the leprechauns!