Day 57 ~ 11/26/10
As I continue to work on dissolving our warehouse, we now have just a few days left to be finished; I list more stuff for sale, shift and get rid of lots of stuff. My back is still hurting, so it’s been slow moving boxes by myself, Dakar has been working a lot with the storm that has dumped so much beautiful snow on us!
I brought some Christmas decorations home and didn’t even feel like decorating. I just wanted to consolidate and get rid of most of what I have! I let the kids do most of the decorating, we put up a very small tree (I’ve had a 3 ft artificial tree for years). Emily really enjoyed it, I fixed the lights and she hung all the ornaments.
I’m not sure if I am feeling apathetic about the holiday, or if I really just don’t care anymore. I used to spend a lot of time decorating, buying into the whole condition of getting everyone presents, making a big deal about wrapping and making things pretty. I remember really enjoying this process, it made me feel good to give presents to people. I would really take the time to make a practical choice on getting the perfect gift for so and so, feeling into what would best suit them – like photo albums of the kids and family for my parents and grandparents, Lego’s for Dustin, etc., not some cheesy popcorn tin or box of chocolates that requires absolutely no effort whatsoever.
Anyway, I don’t feel like a Scrooge this year, I just don’t feel like buying stuff! After all, I have been getting rid of all that I do have! I also don’t feel like contributing that Christmas is about getting stuff. So this year, I am just watching, observing what is going on within me, seeing how I react consciously or unconsciously to the life around me.
I am also wondering when Jesus’s real birthday is/was. Oh, and this year, I’m giving calendars with photos I have taken, and I am giving myself my life back - everyday!
With yesterday’s question to recommit to giving 100% (how many times have I done this now? As many as it takes, I guess), I stood naked in front of the window, bright lunar rays shining in, seeping waves of energy fill me up and I breath into my ovaries, feeling the movement pulse through me like I am making love with the moon…she is a fabulous present, I stay focused on receiving her, running her through my body, grounding and giving as much of her through me to Mother Earth as I can.
I feel a great sense of honor to be shown the web of life glow from the trees. Luna glowing so brightly makes it easier to physically see this amazing creation, the connection that we all are. I lay here, gazing, opening my heart to her, the earth stills as I watch her moving through the night sky, creeping ever so slowly, gracing the world with her magnificent gaze…her lunar rays washing the darkness as many people slumber, giving new energy to the trees, environment, touching everything with her glow, threading this light into the web of the evergreens deciduous plant life, the rocks, the earth, the snow…all of life at night receiving in quiet calmness and peace, to wake up refreshed and ready to give life to another day.
Oon Rahum Hashem sounds are getting hollow, more windy and whispery. Stillness descends and the winds open up. Oon is pulling in a windy sound, Rahum whispers the wind out, Hashem feels like oneness in a way I don’t know how to describe. Even through the variations of the tones, the vastness of sounds singing through me capture my attention, for they do not feel like my own brain-made sounds. A tone comes through and it feels like the earth herself is singing through me.
Then another sound, witchy-like and I feel the ole crone present, trying to scare me with her witchy ways. Peace settles deeper within my, just as it did when I watched her killing me over and over in many different ways, just observing. I experience expansiveness, like my body was in a vacuum of its own universe and lay with this feeling for as long as I could, continuing to breathe the sounds of this beautiful song.
I drift into a dream and wake up to the dim blue light of the early morning, a fresh layer of snow has fallen everywhere, cleansing everything.
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