Departures

Day 60 ~ 11/29/10

I was ready to go, motivation alive and well within these bones of mine, couple more days and still LOTS of work to do to be out of our warehouse. All month I’ve had people stopping by, trying to sell or give them stuff. I’ve struggled a little bit about this, am I just passing the buck of my stuff on to someone else? In the end, the answer is always the same. I accumulated all of this because of the space I was in, wanting it, wanting the experience of having it all. By this same token, if someone else wants to have it because that is where they are, then it is not up to me to say they can’t. Maybe they also require the experience of accumulation to one day have the opportunity to rid themselves of stuff – or not.

So, releasing my judgment of passing the buck, and stopping just short of burning everything to the ground - believe me, the temptation was there, but then the consequences also would have been there. Is that really freedom? Getting rid of the stuff in one way works for everyone. But what if I had set fire to it all in a moment of Shakti? Where I live I would probably be arrested and thrown in jail. Would this be bad – I would have the time to be by myself in a jail cell and do some serious self reflection… At this point I am fine with making the space in my life that also allows me to be present to raise my kids at home, not from another space of prison I could have created.

Too practical?

Anyway, I went into the shop and poked around the stuff with a former client turned friend, and gave her a really good price on a bunch of it – she is also kind enough to donate so much of her time and volunteer with people who could use a bit of companionship. After spending some time discussing and solving the world’s problems with her, I didn’t get much work done before I had to go pick up the kids from school. So what? It really didn’t matter, just spending time in a conscious conversation with a fellow human being, touching each other’s souls and being involved with life in those moments is all that mattered at that time.

It was fitting that we watched a movie called Departures. I didn’t really know what it was about, but it turned out to be a really beautiful movie about death, a Japanese movie that embraced the vocation of encoffinment. For me, crying throughout the movie, I was moved that bodies of the deceased were honored and treated with such respect, love and all emotions come through for all family members and judgments of relating and touching the dead, talking about a “taboo” subject and bringing light to this beautiful way of respecting one when they die. It was about “the gatekeepers”, ushering them on to a new place when their souls have left the body, knowing that we’ll all meet up again somewhere, someday. Just beautiful, thank you for making such a movie, I was moved.

Going on to my ovary breathing and Oon Rahum tonight ripples of jealousy made their presence known, intense heat as my body was sweating all over. My ovaries have taken to attracting my attention by stabbing me with constant waves of pain throughout the day. I was having issues of my own body image, pressures of society to look a certain way to be classified as beautiful. I feel none of this within me, I don’t feel beautiful at all. The monkey mind taking over makes it hard for me to focus and give 100%. I pray for more desire to flow through me as self doubt surfaces. Am I doing enough? I am not working hard enough, not transforming fast enough, etc.

Maybe I am just not being soft enough on myself. Yes, the self doubt arises, the jealousy and judgments arise, and instead of pushing them back down and suppressing them within myself, perhaps this is just my opportunity to let them go? Seems like I am getting more answers in writing and talking it through with Dakar and people than I do in the actual meditation. It’s almost as if the meditation is there for the seed to be planted, and the other physical work/actions are what makes the creation grow.

Even though it is –8 degrees (F) outside, I continue to do my work naked, working on looking at all of myself, blessing my supposed “flaws”, transforming them into peace and perfection. Continuing to dive into the depths of Hell, discovering the worlds within these walls, the complete worlds hidden from plain sight, relating with them and honoring their presence, I ask myself what am I still afraid to see? Definitely still afraid to die.

Namaste