Day 58 ~ 11/27/10
Dakar was impatient and anxious this morning, stemming from him touching me while I was still in meditation last night. I pulled away from him because I was still in the presence of Madam Crone, and felt like sticking with the meditation. He wanted to go to bed with me as his meditation was done, then he had judgment that I was not finished yet. It was not a choice for me, allowing a distraction to disconnect me from experiencing a divine connection within me was just not going to happen. When I was complete and back in this reality then that is a different choice. I fully know when I am using meditation to not confront my issues with Dakar or someone else, and I know when it is time to stay in meditation. Sigh…
So he went to bed alone and I continued my journey then drifted off to dreamland. It’s still hard for me to want to open up to him whenever I am feeling he wants to connect through sex. Whenever he’s ready I’m supposed to stop doing what I’m doing to satisfy his urge? I know this is my own stuff, but I often still feel like I cannot be my true self around him. I still jump up when he comes home to make it look like I am busy making his life better in some way, offering my inauthentic service to him. This is NOT working!
We woke to snow, and he rose later in the morning than he would have when there’s a chance of snow. He became anxious that he wasn’t more prepared, that he didn’t set the alarm for earlier. When he returned later that afternoon, he was full of blaming others for various counts of their lack of responsibility for this or that reason.
I looked at him and saw the “Victim” stamp, he was trying to justify his blame, and I took a breath and as soft as I could asked him why it bothered him so much. I didn’t drop the subject until he was clear that he was creating this anxiety and strife within himself (just as I do to myself), and all of the examples of other people’s irresponsibility’s was a mirror for him, for him to choose how he will handle the conflicts and communicate his own inner truth. Sticking his tongue out at me, he finally smiles and says “I love you.” I say “I know, I love you too!”
If we are a spiritual being on a human journey, then nothing matters. Absolutely nothing that we do as a human matters, it is all just an expression of each of us living our lives as an expression of source or God. There truly is no good or bad, right or wrong, up or down, black or white. There just is. This is the realization of one and many, and I feel like I continue to realize this same message over and over with every layer I walk through and dissolve or transform. And for all the moments this realization is within me, I AM at peace. I AM love embodied.
Imagine this scenario: I actually listen to my parent’s advice on how to raise children, and it works! I keep thinking that my kids are growing up in a world so different that how could my parents possibly understand what I’m trying to teach the kids? Even though, or perhaps because they have more judgments on right and wrong, they are relating to what Dustin is going through, therefore able to offer a solution that works better for him. It is only my resistance to surrendering my perspective (on guns) that keeps me in pain and blind to a solution.
As my dad said, it’s not the guns that are the problem, it’s the mentality of the person behind the gun that is the problem. Teach him safety and responsibility, the difference between shooting targets and people, and the video games will be reduced to just an entertaining game that he knows how to differentiate between a game and real life. I have been opposed to allowing my kids to play the violent kill all the people games. Of course I had heard this and more before, but sometimes I don't listen very well until I am ready to really hear it.
Above all, I am grateful that my parents still take the time to teach me, and happy that I was in a space to listen and really hear them. Listening to them is actually way easier than thinking I know everything. How lovely! It was time, I was ready, and now, just like magic, so much fear I have been holding myself prison to has simply vanished. The charge is no longer there. Abracadabra!
“God is a mirror in which each man sees himself,
Hell is a place where you don’t need any help.”
~ Bono, Moment of Surrender live in concert.
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