Day 65 ~ 12/04/10
Today, I put a Lodestone rock in the center of our home. It is a wonderful rock for grounding, with its simple purpose to hold and embrace our Mother Earth. As I became more present with the stone throughout the day, I felt increasingly grounded in my physical body, slowing down, completing tasks as simple as walking across the room with purpose and intention. I didn’t feel heavy, but rooted, not flying off into outer space somewhere.
I’ve noticed lots of videos and conversations around me exploring just how small our Earth home really is. How can we be alone in this vast universe? We are so small in comparison to the galactic universe. Some scientists seem so desperate to prove that life outside of the Earth does not exist. Could it be that other beings live on different planets in a different body form that does not look like ours? I have memories of speaking with different beings…maybe my imagination, maybe not.
I went to another yoga class today and acknowledge that I am WAAAAY outside of my comfort zone, noticing all my judgments and observations, how other people talk to one another. Just listening to conversation helps me to understand where they’re coming from. One instructor continually repeated herself during the hour, over and over. I don’t even remember what it was about now, something about going at your own pace and not trying to keep up with other people or something like that. I personally did not feel that what she was saying applied to me, but it allowed me to understand that this is something that she herself deals with in her own life.
I am a beginner again and it’s AWESOME! A huge transition is occurring, like I’ve been in school for so long, now I’m opening the doors waiting for graduation to come, excited to be on the journey of exploring a different world, a new life ahead of me that I am actively creating in every moment. It’s perfect.
So during my ovary breathing tonight, I felt like I was back to only allowing a little bit of energy to surge through me, nudging me to continually refocus. If I really want to be free, I must tap into more intensity and blast through this next layer I’ve begun. I reflect on the dagger that is still lodged in my third eye, feeling it’s presence more and more every day now. Why have I not dealt with it yet? What am I still afraid of? I have made excuses of not being ready to remove it yet, which feels true, but I know that I am afraid of really seeing what I have been blocking for so long. What will happen if suddenly I am able to clearly see (what? Bad stuff? Good stuff?)…fear of the unknown…such a habitually ingrained reaction that I have programmed myself to use over and over and over.
I am really tired of having this fear continue to pop up all the time, so I make excuses and justifications that it is something else, but as I look at myself, I cannot live with myself and continue to lie straight to my own face when I know something to be false. If I do not know something to be false, that is when an opportunity presents itself in front of me to acknowledge it or not. If I don’t say “Hi - this is a lie and not a part of my truth anymore”, then it will continue to present itself to me in many forms until I do recognize and embrace it.
I feel like a broken record, saying the same things over and over again, guess it’s my clue that I’ve not dealt with this in its completeness yet. Like my mom would say “Get a dog, name it Clue, then you’ll have a Clue!”
POWER
“Power made me a coat. For a long time I kept it in the back of my closet. I didn’t like to wear it much but I always took good care of it. When I first started wearing it again, it smelled like mothballs. As I wore it more, it started fitting better, and stopped smelling like mothballs.
I was afraid if I wore the coat too much someone would want to take it, or else I would accidentally leave it behind in the dojo dressing room. But it has my name on the label now, and it doesn’t really fit anyone else. When people ask me where I found such a becoming garment, I tell them about the tailor, Power, who knows how to make coats that you grow into. First, you must find the courage to approach Power and request a coat. Then, you must find the patience inside yourself to wear the coat until it fits.”
~ The Book of Qualities ~ J. Ruth Gendler 1984
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