Journeys Through, not Around

Day 59 ~ 11/28/10

Sometimes it feels really good to blow up and be angry. With hundreds and thousands of years of stored trauma and repression being stirred up in my womb, exploding and getting rid of this energy just plain feels good. Similar to a car that doesn’t get driven enough or has been sitting for a while and is chug-a-lugging, you just have to open her up – giver her some gas, open the throttle and let her blow out her gunk, then she feels better and runs smoother once more.

I have to continue to let go of the ideas of having to do something to fill my time. Getting close to being completely free of this business I created will leave me with a lot of time for internal reflection, as well as more time to play with my family. So much of me has been fully ingrained in this masculine world for soooo long, people are confused and perhaps a bit envious when I tell them I am consciously working on dissolving everything and doing nothing on purpose. It feels perfect for me, and it’s just really interesting to watch the reactions of other people.

So in moving boxes and stuff my back felt like it was actually healing itself, it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. Of course I made the kids help out…and I was able to see myself and my anger rising, I just wanted to be done already, I don’t want to deal with my stuff anymore!!! I still have so much accumulated crap to get rid of. Such a good reflection of my outside world reflecting my internal world. As I get rid of my external physical stuff, my internal world is also being cleansed – like a friggin merry go round, yin/yang, blah, blah, blah. God, does it ever end?

My ovary breathing continues to be a valuable way to blow out some of my gunk everyday. I can feel the whole loop of cool energy on the first breath around, and I stand naked in front of a cold window, really feeling my sexual reflection - where I am comfortable with myself, where I continue to judge myself, all of it is open for reflection!

Tonight, sounding Oon Rahum Malaha, giving and connecting with the Divine Mothers, I felt like I was laying on top of a balance beam, vertically running the length of my spine. I was trying to balance and steady myself atop this beam (even though I was physically laying flat on the ground.) The significance of this was to show me the separation and imbalance between my masculine and feminine, and the collective masculine and feminine. The contemplation of starting a sacred union gathering including men and women relating in a conscious, responsible, authentic way in a safe space designed for truthful conversation came in once again, and as soon as it did my left leg started pulsing; first at the calf then my whole leg, like this is an idea connected to my womb. My leg is physically gesturing Yes Yes Yes!

I believe this whole night was an active meditation. I went to bed and continued to experience going deeper into a forgotten realm. I felt as if I was sinking into a black hole, journeying into the Hell within myself. It is so not what I was expecting, certainly not as hot and firey! I will write about this journey in specific and share it when it is time to do so, but what I can say tonight is that during this process I surprised myself when I was in bed running my Shakti circuit the energy became stuck as I moved into my third eye. I looked deeper and saw that I had a dagger protruding out from my third eye (psychically of course). She told me why she was there and I discovered I had put her there myself a long time ago, cutting myself off from truly knowing balance between my masculine and feminine, struggling for many lifetimes, experiencing the full depths of a masculine society. 

It is within me in this lifetime to remove/transform this karmic baggage, rekindle the masculine and feminine relationship within my self, and fully live it as an expression of who I AM. This is my souls purpose right now, teaming up with Dakar in this way, living the balance within and together…as much as I am so hard on both of us, we are both growing softer in our own ways, through discovery, acceptance and the will to transform. This work is definitely worth it and the light dagger reminds me in every moment to take action if I want the pain to dissolve.

Namaste

Help! I'm Stuck in my Third Eye!