Resisting the Flow

Day 62 ~ 12/01/10

I’ve been feeling stiff and heavy so I decided to sign up for a month of yoga. I’ve never actually taken classes outside of retreats before, due to my unwillingness to conform to what every yuppie on the block is doing. Even knowing the benefits of yoga to the body, my mind said I would be following everyone else like a herd of sheep by going to a class. It’s like saying “I’m not going to eat healthy because everyone else is doing it.” How much sense does that make? Why do I feel like I’m better than anyone else to the detriment of keeping myself stuck? In fact, most people who practice yoga are pretty cool people.

I get my exercise by biking, skiing and hiking usually. Most likely though, yoga is a very feminine form of body expression, allowing an organic flow to run through the body, stretching into every cell. My resistance to going prior to now feels more like hiding from my feminine, not wanting to fully explore her.

I had a feeling that they would require me to have this and that, a mat, towel, etc. just like everyone else. Phooey. I went without a mat and she said, “You have to have a mat, it’s the rules!” Instead of turning around and walking out the door on “the rules” like I wanted to, I allowed her to hand me a rental mat to borrow at no charge. That was nice. Sometimes biting my tongue and reducing myself to humility is very hard for my ego.

When I am not properly hydrated and I exercise in heat I traditionally develop a headache. Sometimes I can heal it quickly with breathing exercises. Tonight I ate a salad, drank a large glass of freshly juiced vegetables and did some breathing, but my headache turned into a really painful migraine. As the nausea welled up and my eyes went fuzzy, I was reduced once again to climbing into bed to sleep it off. I could feel where the intense pain was also reminding me about the dagger in my forehead, asking me and wondering when I was going to remove her to really start living my life. Truth is, I am afraid of removing it. She’s been there for so long, I’ve gotten used to adjusting around her…finding excuses to make my life work…pretending it’s all okay.

I finally fell asleep and dreamed of darkness…knowing that my body will once again do what it can to heal me during the night so I can wake up and try to figure out another day. 

Namaste