Fiery Sulphur

Sulphuric Veins

Day 73 ~ 12/12/10

Dakar was gracious enough to take the kids skiing today while I stayed home in quiet.

I say to my daughter “Have fun skiing!”

Em says “I will. Have fun sitting in the quiet house doing nothing.”

“Oh, I will!” I said.

She replies “Well, I don’t know how you’re going to do that, it will be too quiet. How will you have fun?”

“Don’t you worry about that, I will be just fine.” I said.

I draw sulphur “Born from the released fire of Earth, I am a master in the realm of explosive eruption and the fiery nature. My flame in your hand will soften the edges of expressions and situations, taming the roaring flames that only manifest pain.

Sit down and let us nurture the fire of you to a warm glow by which you can seek comfort and guidance without the fear of being burned. In the orange-red glow of your newly disciplined light and vitality, rise now and shine physically radiant in the world.

Now, harboring the power of the yellow ray, lift your will and creativity. Embrace your fiery potential and see perfection in all that you do. Stare deeply into your own eyes, until you see the dancing flames, let them melt away all that blocks you and the many paths you manifest. The Bennu has been reborn, a vision of the spirit’s glory physically realized.” (pg. 257 Liquid Crystal Oracle by Justin Moikeha Asar)

How fitting is it to be embraced by fire today, burning away patterns I have lived in for so long, resting in silence, reflecting on loving myself in the physical, taking the time to see and appreciate myself, sitting in reflection with the Lion.

I haven’t employed people for a while and tonight during our Oon Rahum meditation feelings of being a boss came up for me. I felt like there was something here to dive into, if I didn’t it would resurface, so I asked Dakar to help me, to ask questions probing deeper, to we could discuss my feelings and issues so that I may let them go.

I defined being a boss as having to have power in a masculine, militant, judgmental and authoritive way. It seems that I have learned the most in my lifetime by listening and learning from physically larger, powerful, booming men. I have let myself feel intimidated by their presence, keeping me small, yet I have respected how they carry and present themselves, thinking that their word is truth. I have tried to emulate what I see in these men, standing strong and trying to be powerful, but it never worked. I’m pretty sure I have lost more respect from people by presenting myself in this way, because that is not who I authentically am. It is not for me to present myself in a powerfully masculine way, obviously.

Feeling like I didn’t command respect from myself or from my employees made me wrong. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. I had quite a few employees cycle through my shop that were incredible mirrors of unworthiness for me, it was very hard to look at and accept this trait within myself. Trusting this process of Dakar’s mental probing questions (even though I asked for it) was difficult, like being squashed like an insignificant bug. However, there is no other way around it, I must look and accept myself through this experience. My soul wants to drop into softness so the true voice of my power is heard. The only way to help empower someone else is to live it within me. In can only respect myself and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks or feels or does. It’s all about me, and then it isn’t.

So I learned that even though I was very generous and tried hard to create a positive environment, I really wanted a mutually great continuing relationship with my employees, it did not always last. I believe that it was temporary because not everyone wanted to dive in and look at themselves as much as I did. If not all parties are together in the moment to upgrade and empower themselves, then the relationship will not last. And sometimes people just go in and out of each other’s lives for a moment or two, and if a lasting bond is created and sustained, then it is meant to be. If it is not, then that is okay too. Just being grateful to have the capacity to understand that I can learn from my life and recreate it in every moment, and not feeling like my life is controlling me is wonderful. Its funny, because it’s like life is life, but which side of the window do I want to watch it from, to be creating it from? From a place of awareness where I can be free in my choice to react, or from a place of unawareness where I just react because I don’t know what else to do.

Namaste

Playing with Fire