Opening to Flow

Galactic Ice Glass

 

Day 66 ~ 12/05/10         

Sometimes what want to do, or what I say I want to do just doesn’t flow well. I guess I always have the choice to wait until it does, otherwise it’s like standing my ground to get something done, but then realizing I am standing in quicksand.

As you have probably noticed, I am writing about every day’s explorations within myself, but I don’t always get them up onto the blog in a consistent and orderly fashion. I journal every day capturing the essence and emotions of what I was discovering and feeling in a moment, then wait until I have the time and space for the words to flow through me, knowing that they will come when I am clear and they are ready to be written.

I find that while I am writing voluntarily, I am not being paid and no one is forcing me to write, I can still have a slight sense of guilt if I don’t keep up on my story - all self imposed, of course. I create guilt within me, allowing myself to feel overwhelmed when I have several days to catch up on. Am I being lazy to my commitment? Am I being honest with myself by knowing that the words aren’t flowing in a particular moment so relax and just be with the moment until it does happen? All of this and it is showing me that it really doesn’t matter. If I journal for a few days then edit them into one post, it is a really good opportunity to simplify and edit my thoughts and feelings. I can pick out what has been the most significant, yet how do I choose? Every day there is new spaces to explore within and around me, sometimes the most seemingly insignificant event holds a valuable opportunity for major discovery. Writing about it all helps me expose this to myself.

As I went to a mellow flow yoga class with Dakar today, it validated the above point of discovering something about myself, others and life in general in every moment – my body is still not very flexible but not as sore as I was either! The pain is there but suffering is optional. Laughing through the pain of yoga and stretching it out, not carrying it within by being anymore, finding that this is also an everyday practice to really move quickly through certain pains and revelations.  

Water

Straight into ovary breathing tonight, I can now in one breath reconnect with this particular energy circuit, feeling it run its cool energy through me, I rededicate and ask it to strop and dissolve this newly exposed layer I have willingly entered. I can feel a small thread of blue light, its watery energy circulating, it feels like a more powerful, more massive thread was formed in order to work through some of this new heavy, gunky layer. While the thin thread of energy circulated, I could see just how small the thread was, and a glimpse of the tidal wave of energy that will eventually run its course through me. I am shown that I must work through the stages of progression. I, II, III, IIII, IIIII, etc., increasingly thicker threads and strands of energy will progressively work through me, opening and clearing this ovary breath channel with increasing intensity as I go. Today, I had level II working its way through me, it was a bit of a challenge to keep it going until it was also fully circulating. #I paved the way like a small diameter drill, #II makes the path or channel larger paving the way for #III, and so on. So this beautiful flow of glassine blue/white energy crept up my back, I felt like I had something stuck in my back as well as the dagger in my 3^rd eye…dude, I am sooooo at the beginning again! 

Dakar and I dove into our Oon Rahum meditation. I was feeling like I wanted the discoveries to continue. I just had an interesting revelation during the ovary breathing, cleaning out a larger path, lets keep it up tonight! Besides some major gas and bloating that I continue to blame on an imbalance of probiotics in my digestion track, or maybe it was the salad, flax, hemp and sesame seeds, or perhaps the goat cheese? Anyway, the only thing running through me during Oon Rahum this evening was monkey mind. I was going through the motions not connecting with anything. Of course I am comparing all my experiences to times when I have a fantastic story to tell of the visual meditations previously experienced, so when I experience nothing, it feels like I might be wasting my time. In this case, I found it became an opportunity for more awareness of where I’m still at, my lack of passion, false humility, still being primarily controlled by a masculine ego mind. Argh, I don’t know what’s right anymore, and why is apathy a bad thing? I do know I’m more in connection with myself when I am having a conversation from the powerful depths within me…giving and receiving and sharing another’s presence…

As I contemplate making myself good, bad or indifferent, I reel in frustration with Dakar as he says he wants to jump right into yoni gazing - I asked him to make it happen after Oon Rahum – and he falls asleep instead. Perfect time to go with the flow or try to push something to make it happen. I feel like I must initiate everything spiritually and sabotage us by calling him a weak bastard due to my insecurities. This new layer I am walking through houses much deeper memories, centuries of repression for the feminine as well as the masculine. BLAH! Welcome to the depths oh Hell once more…

I sometimes don’t feel respect for Dakar even though I know he holds a great deal of respect within him. Mostly I come across these feelings at the beginning of a new layer when I have to make the choice to dive right back into myself again. I don’t have respect for Dakar because I don’t’ have respect for me. I cover up, make excuses, resist, delay, blame and procrastinate…this familiar pattern over and over again, not wanting to immediately surrender into vulnerability, but instead be a victim in suffering for a while.

I feel like he is selfish for talking about himself and his problems more, not paying attention to me. In this realization I recognize my selfishness, trying to fill an internal void by thinking someone else has to pay attention to me. I end up realizing that I am not whole. I decide to not play victim tonight, so I end up interviewing Dakar with guiding questions about where his commitment and dedication is to himself and to this process of self discovery. I am saving this interview and will publish it on my Christmas Day blog, as it is a beautiful gift from the way of the masculine into the depths of his own realizations.

Namaste

Picasso's Ice