Day 61 ~ 11/30/10
Last day! Technically our lease is up today, I have no idea how we are going to move everything today. I came in early and a person I have recently met came by. We ended up sitting and talking for about 4 hours. About women giving up their power, trying to understand how to operate in such a mental world, feeling it not working and not knowing how to fix it, trying to be a wife and a mother, but feeling like a mother to the husband because he is still connected with his mother…everything is so intricately connected. It seems simple, yet one more straw on the camel’s back and everything comes tumbling down. For me, I highly encourage this breaking, over and over. Doesn’t seem like anything gets fixed until it is completely broken.
During our conversation, I would close my eyes for a moment and see a cloaked figure representing the divine mother to me, calming me, guiding me through our conversation. Her face would morph and the penetrating brown eyes of her soul, alive in their knowing, yet stuck in a body struggling between realities, tired of being in prison, asking for help and wondering why her life story was pouring out of her to a complete “stranger”, yet not able to stop it from flowing.
I witnessed this, watching the beautiful transformation starting to happen right in front of me, feeling the divine mother’s keeping the channel open for this I AM to walk through if she was ready. It was effortless and humbling for me at the same time. A person with severe trust issues opening up to a stranger, but sometimes that is easier – a new relationship that is pure an un-judging – sometimes this is more comfortable than opening up to family and friends that have judged you for ever.
It was serendipitous that we just met, she was hopeless and felt resigned to staying weak the rest of her life. I could see her soul asking for freedom behind her beautiful brown eyes. I feel like I did what I could in the moment, allowing her to really comprehend that she has the ability to reclaim her power, that her life is not lost, that she doesn’t have to continue to feel like a victim, but she will have to dive into self reflection, find her path and do the work in order to get it back. Her husband and kids will be so much stronger by her lead as well.
As she left she apologized for taking up so much of my time knowing that I have a lot of work to still do. Out of the voice of my womb I heard myself say “If I die today, our conversation meant more to me than any of the stuff I still have to do.” She looked at me and started to cry, like it’s been a really long time since anyone has reached out in any way to love the true being that she is behind all of her layers of the human journey.
There is not a lot of rest for me between layers. I understand that I am setting the pace and schedule to work through them, I guess it is time to journey through all that I have been procrastinating! The other day I feel like I transformed through another mental layer and how fitting that I would draw the stone Flourite = Mental Mastery! Just a few hours after feeling the layer dissolve, I could feel a new layer descending, opening the doors for me to walk through and clean. Sometimes I feel like an eternal maid cleaning up my own mess, the cleaning never stops!
During my ovary breathing I see a small pin light coming through. I am really feeling heavy and constipated. The sweet smell and stickyness of my sweat reminds me of the physical work completed today. I am trudging my ovary breath through what feels like thick, heavy mud and am jealous that Dakar can run his energy so quickly through him. I feel like I have more work than him, and that’s just not fair! I know, ego mind. I remind myself that I am the one creating the work, the ease of it and the pain of it. I pray for more desire, more willpower to stay strong, to work through, stopping at nothing until freedom is gracefully granted.
I can feel Dakar’s depression/frustration from all the work he has created for himself - allowing himself to feel overwhelmed - creeping up my body and I just want to stay away from him until he transforms it for himself. It is also up to me to not take on his stuff as my own, but I find it to be quite difficult sometimes to be empathetic and unattached with him. This is not the kind of lesson we learn in public schools, although it would be very handy to learn math, reading/writing, as well as how to understand and take responsibility for our own energy and everything we create, being empathetic for someone else, but not taking on their stuff or allowing suppression from it.
I was listening to Dakar snore through Oon Rahum, knowing that I have the choice to stop being annoyed and judging him for my thoughts of him not giving 100% effort, or waking him up and inviting him back into participation in a loving manner. Hmmmmm….my shadow still wants to suffer as a victim…what would I want him to do for me if the roles were reversed right now? Why is this even a question I have to contemplate? Seems like the answer is simple, but for some reason, it is not.
While contemplating, I want to yell out “WAKE UP!!!” and startle him so I can laugh at his reaction. Of course, this is for my own personal pleasure of watching him squirm…! I am surprised that his loud snoring hasn’t woken himself up yet. I turned over and watched him sleep for a while, realizing that I haven’t connected with his higher self in a while, keeping me at a false “safe” distance from him physically.
His massive body, heaving chest going up and down, it looked like he was having trouble breathing. Deep, labored breaths as his body is working on regenerating itself during sleep. I blow lightly onto his neck and watch him scratch the tickle. His eyes open for just a moment as he looks but maybe does not see me watching him. HA HA HA! This is fun!
I have always been a watcher in some capacity, at one point discovering that I was letting others watch through me as well. When I found out, I asked if it was serving the highest purpose of every being involved to allow this voyeurism, if not, then I do not give them permission anymore to use me as a watcher. Immediately these beings started to dissolve and in my dream work that night, Gaia helped me completely dissolve all of them. I felt exorcised in a way, but also compassionate, knowing that at some point I had given them permission, otherwise they would not have been there in the first place.
I allowed Dakar to continue sleeping while I finished my own meditation, then drifted off to sleep. I watched as Dakar and my dad building a pyramid primarily for my mom, my daughter and myself (as well as the rest of our family who wanted to live there). It was built with wood and had lots of bathrooms, long hallways and lots of rooms. There was only one obvious way in (but other hidden ways), and only had five layers to it. I asked what the top layer was for and no one knew…one day I know I’ll remember what it’s really for…
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