There is No Spoon

Day 29 ~ 10/29/10

Of course, after last night, I wasn’t thrilled to get up so early. I love waking up organically instead. Alas, today was Friday, and a Halloween party for the kids at their school. I mechanically got up and dressed, and felt like I was going against my flow that wanted to happen for this morning. Why? I was tired and wanted to sleep, and didn’t really want to be around people that I would just end up having a shallow conversation with.

It turned out fine, it was actually fun to be with the kids, see them all dressed up and playing for Halloween. I like my daughter’s teacher, in order for the kids to get a treat, they had to earn it at the different stations. My station had the kids learning math flashcards for their treats, others focused on language, etc. The kids had fun and ate a lot of candy (especially my daughter)…hmmm…time for me to chill out on being a health freak too, I guess.

Understanding what it’s like to be a control freak, it was also easy for me to see that the new principal of the school is also quite the control freak.  I can already see the teachers starting to lose respect for her because she has to be in control every step of the way. She doesn’t trust them to be teachers and do their job without her, and it’s very hard for her to let the kids just be kids. I mean to almost not let the kids wear costumes to school because it would be too much of a distraction? To what? A distraction that doesn’t allow them to just be a child? They already are not allowed to wear masks (okay) or face paint because “the grease from the paint could ruin the books” (ummmm, when have kids ever gotten any studying in on a party day?). How about that she announced over the loudspeaker that she would come by every classroom and excuse the classes to go to the school parade? So not efficient, so not allowing the teachers to lead their own classrooms. I know, I know, this is my judgment – but where does it end? Do I speak up at my discontent, or let it run its course, after all, it’s really not affecting me, and the kids don’t seem to care, but the teachers do, and when the teacher’s are affected, then the kids are also affected…? Going to have to look in deep and see if it is in my truth to do something about this…

Last night’s triple play took it’s toll physically on my body! I developed the worst stomach cramps, and was on the toilet, releasing everything for probably more than an hour this evening. Ouch, something is moving…!

I went to bed early and didn’t do any yoni gazing with Dakar. It’s funny though, I don’t think the work stops just because I go to bed. So often I feel like I am “working and exploring” in my dreams. Sometimes I am just witness to what is going on, sometimes I feel as if my dreams are a reality, and I am an active participant within them.

Tonight in my dream, I was in a room with someone else. We were creating a big blue ball of energy. I took it over and through my work and effort, this ball of energy grew and became deeper and more powerful. I held it up and it expanded over me, like a black and blue swirling hole growing over my head. I looked up into this hole and was sucked in, like a vortex swallowing me up. I went through many doorways within this different universe and was suddenly spat back out into the same room I had just come from, only I was hanging upside down! I wonder if this is real or a dream, it feels so very real…

It’s like I started out with someone helping me on my journey, co-creating a new space to walk into then I took my life back and I became deeper and had more "control" over my life or source flow within my life. Through my experiences of walking through many open doors, my perspective completely changed what my world looked like, therefore going back into the same life with a 180 degree perspective (me hanging upside down), knowing that nothing is real, but yet it is, but it isn't.

Like the Zen saying: First there are mountains, then there are no mountains, then there are mountains again. According to Jean Klein in his book “I AM” he explains “First the mountains are objects and are called real by the ignorant. Then they are not seen as objects because the subject/object relationship evaporates. But then from the global view they are seen again, not as object mountains but as expressions of oneness. The mountains now appear within totality.”

Namaste

Art as Suffering, Art as Love

Day 28 ~ 10/28/10

I could seriously lose myself in art. Art of any kind. It’s great to see what others have created and receive such inspiration in this. It’s also amazing to go through the feelings, or raw, juicy, organic flow, experiencing every brush stroke, every key stroke, every warping of a digital picture…an outward expression of an inward state. I absolutely loved the creation aspect of arranging flowers, and taking photographs, it was the business side that didn’t flow well within me!

So journaling, creating art, listing to music, creating dancing and the simple movements with sound, all things, I could lose myself for days on end. Dakar once asked me if I would even know if the house was on fire around me. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s asked me this many more times than once! I guess I would figure it out eventually…when I was surrounded in the flames, wondering where they came from!

AND as he comes home right now in this moment as I am writing this, with our son, bounding with lots of loud energy up the stairs, I am interrupted, and get seriously annoyed. Sometimes I can ignore everything and continue on, and sometimes there are so many distractions that anger churns up within me because I feel like I have to stop my flow and deal with other people!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH – go away and be quiet please!!! I guess I am still dealing with my judgments of not allowing myself permission to do what I want to be doing in any given moment. I still feel like I should be up, always taking care of the house, making dinner, cleaning up, and being a “perfect wife”. Or just acknowledging that this issue is still present, and that I need to be completely honest with myself, and not pretend that it has gone anywhere, and I have evidentially not transformed my perception about it either.

So is my appreciation for working late at night when everyone else has gone to bed so I can be in complete silence with myself an excuse, or valid? Can I really have internal peace within myself, not judging myself or those around me while I am focused in what I am doing in the moment at any moment? Is this an accomplishment, a goal to strive for, or a lifelong practice? Do I have to schedule a TIME to be alone? That doesn’t seem like it would be in the flow, as my creativity will seep out on it’s own schedule, not when it is “convenient” for anyone. Sheesh.

Why am I so worried about suppressing everyone else’s’ creativity or expression, or way of being, seemingly at the expense of suppressing myself? Is the mere act of acknowledging these issues bringing them to light, therefore dealing with them on some level? Talking about them with my family certainly seems to help, especially to let them know that when I explode at them for being interrupted, it is not about them, it is ultimately about me dealing with myself and the suppressions I have placed upon myself for years and years.

It is most certainly not just during meditation that the work gets done! In fact, I feel like meditations just help bring rise to certain issues, and it is during the physical, waking hours that the most effective, healing work takes place – or at least presents the opportunity for dealing with them to occur!

Tonight Dakar and I had our own triple-play. We did our ovary/testis breathing gazing out at the stars in the dark night sky, a sound meditation with Oon Rahum, and more yoni gazing. I feel like it is time for me to up my game and commit to another level…yikes! Starting Nov. 1 (or sooner), I will continue with the yoni gazing and gate work, (feels like I still have so far to go), and add 30 days of Oon Rahum – this meditation every day – as writing and witnessing my testimony over this past month has showed me my deep commitment to myself, the work I have to do in order to be whole within myself, to show up in my truth with others. There simply is nothing else for me to do except for this. I never thought that my unworthiness issues would ever fade, but I see them dissolving now…slowly…

During our ovary breathing, I am constantly amazed at how quickly the energy runs through my body, like freshly charged batteries replacing slower worn out ones. I am instantly energized, no coffee needed here! I do still feel some pain in my right ovary with this breath work, I guess more and deeper clearing is still required…

After getting “warmed up” and really into our Oon Rahum meditation, I am still surprised at the sounds that escape my lips. It’s almost like I’m not even sounding – it’s just song coming through me. It feels different, uncontrollable. But why would I even want to control this? Such a beautiful sound and feeling!

It reminded me of my connection to the divine mothers. I don’t have a full awareness of what that means, I can just feel this connection and know it to be true. I want to explore deeper so that I may reach my fullest potential to serve and know myself.

It also reminded me when I was doing this particular meditation in France. I had to pee soooo bad! I was judging myself for having to go, (but if you know this meditation, it really does press on the bladder something fierce, at least it does for me!) I didn’t want to get up and interrupt the collective energy that was being built up. I thought that I would ultimately get in trouble for disrupting, or for getting up and not being present throughout the meditation. 

The feeling of needing to go kept getting more and more intense, and I kept on with the meditation. It got so bad that I could no longer focus on the meditation. I still didn’t want to get up, so as we were all lying down, I put a blanket over my body, pulled down my pants and tried to go right on the mat! No matter how much I tried to force the pee out, it would not come! I was downright laughing at myself at this point, realizing that I am putting more effort into trying to pee, than into the meditation. Finally, I got up, went outside and just released into the earth. Aaaahhhh…. I was then able to come back and give myself 100% to the meditation. And guess what happened? Nothing!!! I was the only one who put any blame, shame or guilt on myself. I didn’t get in trouble like a kid in school. Silly me.

After our Oon Rahum meditation, we went right into yoni gazing. (Dakar and I - not the group in France! Although…I bet some real deep stuff would come up in a group yoni gazing setting, even just being partnered up with our partners…ouch!) I am so happy to have a partner participating with me because this is such sensual work, that some of these exercises bring the sexual energy right out, flowing to the surface and all I want to do is release the sexual tension as the gazing quickly turns into love making. I could feel Dakar’s focus and love, rushing energy throughout my body, making me want to receive all of him, to give back all of myself to him. The music playing was perfect as we took our time enjoying one another. Again, I felt as if I were a giant in the cosmos, a holographic image of myself enjoying the sweet juices of sexual pleasure coursing through all of my bodies, physically experiencing love and joy, creating art all over again in a different way!

Oh what a nice slumber was had after this evening!

Namaste!

As It Is In Heaven

Day 27 ~ 10/27/10

I have been doing the Yoni Gazing and gate work consistently with Dakar for just over a month now. I can see the effects of being lazy, and of our commitment to ourselves and each other reflective in our relationship and in self. I can see how my worthiness issues come up and how softness is present when I take the time to care for myself.

Today after taking the kids to the bus stop, it felt sooooo amazing to have the freedom to say “Hmmm…what will I do today?” Then before I knew it, I had spent the next two hours taking photos of fall foliage and the steam rising over the cold Truckee river as the suns rays spilled their warmth onto the ice cold waters.

I sat on the rocks at the water’s edge, watching water drip off the icicles that had formed on a rock. I identified with a lone tree who had taken root in a rock, forming it’s own personal island.

I ran my shakti circuit for a long time, feeling the deep, penetrating and warm sunshine on my face. I didn’t get physically naked today - ha ha ha – sooooo cold -  but felt naked and humble in the beauty surrounding me. I breathed in the crisp, cool air and thanked the fairies for showing up with their magic sparkles in the water…so much fun – THIS IS LIFE!!!

Being in the flow of life, I just knew today was the day to dissolve some phone bills and contracts that I had with the business. All actions went smoother than I could have imagined! Having patience, waiting and moving when it feels like the perfect time for an action, I think this is what I am moving towards, living this flow is Shiva and Shakti?!?!

I haven’t watched a movie (aside from a few you tube spots) in over a month, and we don’t subscribe to regular T.V. in our house. It had become such a waste of time, and I didn’t care for the programs that my kids were watching, so I took the easy way to monitor TV watching and said No More! Sometimes they get upset that we don’t have video games in the house either, but eventually they’ll get over it. Or not. They can go to their friend’s houses and play age appropriate video games, just not here (besides the occasional computer and little ipod games…) they do watch movies though, I’m okay with that – there are some fantastic creations available to watch!

Anyway, we took the time to watch a Sweedish movie called ‘As It Is In Heaven’. Gorgeous! I highly recommend it as very few movies seem to reach out and touch me in a deeply emotional way. Either I’ve become very callused and emotionally numb, or so many movies lack the depth of anything more than forced-fed surface emotions, or maybe both? As within my yoni gates, this emotional numbness may have carried over to other aspects of my life as well.

I love when a movie, a comment, a movement or general conversation turns to a deep topic that reaches into one’s core, pulling out emotions and traumas that deserve to see the light of day and transformed. To see this in a movie, or a commercial, reaching out to the general public, challenging ways of viewing the world that keeps one in suppression, makes my heart fly. This is what tugs at me, filling my eyes with tears, making me want to share empathy and hug people who are getting honest within themselves.

To point out something directly in someone’s face, is sometimes the best form of love one can give. I believe some call this “ruthless compassion”. In this movie, I loved how the pastor’s wife tells him that “God doesn’t need to forgive, because God has never condemned. It is the church, judging and condemning people in one hand, and offering redemption with the other.” All for power and greed. I loved how in this movie, in the main characters search within himself, he was able to find what he was lacking, and provide the space for others to search within themselves, expressing their deep hurts, and understanding that everyone has something that they’re going through, it’s okay to share it and be done with it, not holding it in and letting that hurt hold you back forever.

*tears welling up in my eyes in remembrance of my identification with the movie’s characters*

Just beautiful.  I am inclined to believe that we are really living in our self created heaven (or hell) here on earth. Since no one really knows what is after death for sure, then why not? Why not use this lifetime to be honest with ourselves and live in heaven? What have you got to lose? We're not going to make it out alive anyway - but yet, we will (depending on your definition of "alive")!

Namaste

Amygdala Healing

Day 26  ~10/26/10

Last night I received an Amygdala Healing transmission from a dear friend who is, with his partner, also doing this deep, inner soul work. The transformations I have seen in both of them is nothing short of amazing. It’s like watching an ancient way of being in unity and harmony with the earth, one another and oneself is once again emerging on this planet. There is shadow work to be done, for one cannot see the light without also seeing the darkness. And while some of the work is painful, the emergence of a new, fantastic way of being, is well worth the HONEST effort. My experience of this meditation follows:

 

Amygdala Healing Transmission

I became aware that I was completely out of energetic alignment during the beginning of this transmission. I felt as if my head was 3 feet to the left of my shoulders, and the rest of my spine was contorted and twisted. In a short time, energy was running smoothly, the crystal waters trickling then flooding down my head and spine. As I became more still, the waves of the transmission took me deeper and deeper within.

An overwhelming sense of emotional compassion for the attachments and detachments I have experienced in my life toward my family, primarily my sisters had me in tears during the Amygdala Healing, realizing how much suffering has taken place, and also how much joy there is to be felt.

I could feel my body in a new and different way. It was as if I was a newborn child, exploring my breath, my arms, legs and body, every cell, every shape, every movement of my being was a conscious exploration of creation.

Diving deep into the shadow spaces of what this healing means for me, I find myself surrounded by a dark energy, but also witness my womb dragon come forth to work with me in understanding and transformation of this darkness, allowing me to be inquisitive without being in so much fear.

This experience of polarities, watching, being the witness to the extremes of both sides, was like creating life and death. In the days following, my dreams held the visions of seemingly perfect buildings crumbling, understanding that these are walls I have built for myself that are no longer required. Destroying or putting to death so that something new can be built or created in its space. (Multi -dimensional beings appeared to me that I have not seen before, and I felt like I was being aided in universally cosmic way.)

Tuning in to feeling what is next in the flow, feeling it, then watching it being created right in front of me, it’s like I don’t even have to speak! My trust in this flow continues to be validated and confirmed as each day goes on, understanding and taking action when it is time, and not trying to force anything. I am amazed at how little effort this takes, leaving plenty of energy to share with my family, not feeling drained or spent.

Thank you Amael, for your commitment and neutrality in conducting this transmission, I did not feel anything that was you, only what was being transmitted through you. I am honored to receive such a shift that helps to clear me of outdated patterns that no longer serve, and this curious awareness that helps me to stay present and in awe of every moment.

   

Read about some of these healing and transformative transmissions here.

Also, pg. 34 in The Power of Shakti starts a chapter explaining the meaning of the amygdala as the “Heart Chakra of the Brain”.

I am amazed at what art flows through me after a meditation! The picture below is the perfect reflection of my experience of going deeper within the vast space of my Amygdala and what it holds…

Namaste

Direct Experience

 

Day  25 ~ 10/25/10

Sometimes I feel as if I don’t even need to speak anymore. All this chatter is just a justification of my mind, trying to make sense out of the life that is beginning to live through me more and more.

In my efforts to dissolve the business into complete nothingness, there are the physical actions of getting rid of the stuff I have left over. A few phone calls and emails later, and I know that this is the right decision because people are scheduling times to come and take the stuff for themselves. NICE! I feel the same energy within me, the same excitement that I had when I was birthing this business (busy-ness) as I do in putting it to death.

I wonder if myself specifically, or society in general would view death differently, as not a scary process to be afraid of, if it was approached in this way? To discuss and really accept the excitement that can be had in the process of dying, and the emotions surrounding death. Then the freedom that comes with not being afraid of dying could be liberating, inviting people to really live and experience their lives while we are all here on earth.

In this current process, I have resolved a relationship with a person who I thought hated me for a decade or more, therefore putting my judgments to rest. Thankfully we were able to get past silly belief systems before it was too late to say sorry, or thank you. What a blessing to have this opportunity, everyday….but too often I don’t take the opportunity to do so.

I wonder though, is it necessary for everyone to experience and know duality? If one does not “know” something through direct experience, does that make their opinions about it invalid? A man knows about childbirth, but may never “know” childbirth. Because I may not have a direct experience with something, does that make me unqualified to speak about it?

My kids are such portals into creating the space to allow us to see how life can be lived in nothing but the truth. They don’t have any judgments on how to react in a “nice” society. I can fully see now how all this judgment is cyclical throughout the generations. It is heartwarming to see teachers and parents doing something about acknowledging consciousness in children, so that they may have the opportunity to grow up without all these layers of modern day pressures.

To see a clip of people making a huge difference, watch this video about Creating Dynamic Development and Harmony in the Classroom

  

What have you done today to make a difference in your life???

Emily’s quote of the day - Talking about coffee:

“Grammie drinks coffee. Is that why she’s getting so old and crumbly?”

Ghosts of Rainbows Past

Day 24 ~ 10/24/10

As little as we slumbered last night, I actually feel more alive and awake today than I expected. Sometimes the energy flowering throughout my body has more of an energizing effect than the rejuvenation that I find in sleep! That or it’s due to the cold morning shower in the rain!

I have been writing consistently now for 24 days, and when I am done with a session, I don’t have a clue as to what I actually wrote. But I am finding if I don’t write, then I feel bottled up and stuck up with stagnating energy, waiting for an opportunity to seep out of me. If I don’t let it out it just explodes in a different direction, not necessarily compassionate to others. After it’s out though, I feel clean and clear, like I’ve just released a block from my wall.

I do, however, still feel like my writing is generally shallow, much of it being very analytical and coming from my mind. I know there is so much more depth do discover by diving within even more…I have not even begun to reach into the truest depths of my core…am I afraid of this? Or is it just not time to go there yet, more shedding of layers in conjunction with diving deeper, perhaps.

As my notebook slides off its perch and hits me in the throat, I feel as if it has just symbolically cut off my head! I feel in this moment that so many people – especially me – have issues around their throat charkas and speaking up because we have not been telling the truth for most of our (my) life. The truth has the potential of freedom, of keeping life so much simpler because it is just what is, no stories to make up around it, no lies to keep track of, no nothing.

The rain pouring down all night and all day just feels like it is washing so much away, things that I am offering up for surrender, not even knowing what they are, just knowing that I don’t need them anymore. 

Namaste 

The Waters Within

 

Day 23 ~ 10/23/10

There’s nothing like doing a couple of chores on a rainy day with the reward being spending time in front of the fireplace and hanging with the family, listening and dancing to fun music. I am really enjoying being more present with my kids, making meals and cleaning up with them, just spending the time not ignoring them as people.

I don’t remember wanting to be this present with them when I was so completely distracted with work. All wrapped up in what I “needed to get done” everyday so I wasn’t so stressed out the next day. Wow. I really missed out on some time with my family. I am so grateful to be realizing this now, while they are 7 and 9 years and still want to be around their parents! I feel like I am blessed with a second chance everyday!

***On my knees, thank you, thank you, thank you.***

 My daughter today was really excited to be stacking firewood in preparation for winter with us. She said “When is the next time we get to do this?” I told her probably not until next fall. “Aw, phooey! I really want to do this again because this is my favorite job!”

Within the scope of any given day, all emotions have the opportunity to arise! I am finding myself in more compassionate communication during disagreements. Dakar and I are having some issues on out lack of unified commitment to do our work during a particular time frame. 

I did get upset for a moment, walking out of the room (I’m pretty sure a door slammed behind me), but then calmed down quickly, and was able to come back to having no judgment and no displacing blame in my conversation with Dakar about our commitment to each other and the work we are doing. We have both lived our lives so independently, that, in a way, we are just now starting to learn teamwork and co-creation with one other with conscious communication, not with silent, unexpressed expectations from each other. 

There really is no hiding from the truth. As both of us are becoming more sensitive with ourselves, it is easy to tune into our partner and pull out the truth. There’s no point in lying about anything, that just creates resistance to it that we will have to go back into again at another time.

So as a self proclaimed sleep addict, once again I find us starting our work in the wee hours of the morning. It was good to have our discussion and dissolve our resistance to our perceptions first though, then our yoni gazing work was able to be taken quickly to a deeper level. As Dakar was gazing me, focused on loving my beautiful yoni lips, I could feel how resistance would come up and in one second I had the choice to stay there in the pain of resistance, or surrender into the depths of receiving his love. This time I chose receiving his love, and gave back as much love through me as well. 

I laughed as another glimpse of creation surfaced, revealing its truth to me. The creation of resistance, the creation of drama, the creation of EVERYTHING is a creation from the mind and self. If I created it, then I can drop any pattern, any habit, anything that I have created in an instant. If I find that it is not dropping away, then I have the opportunity to dive in deeper and figure out why I can’t do so…and then choose to do something about it or not.

Our yoni gazing turns into pleasure for both Dakar and I, as I am finding that making love with him is solidifying my willpower to be done with my old ways of being. I am waking up to my path of true worthiness, and sometimes I feel that when we are engaged with one another, that we are giants, like Gods and Goddesses, making love in a divine, universal garden. I feel like at least a couple hundred feet tall…

Before we get to the physical act of love making, we are holding each other, caressing. It feels like in an instant Dakar’s focus of pleasuring me turns to himself and I have been forgotten. I realize then that I am in a place of “for getting”. My need for his focus and attention toward me points out that I am not in a place of “for giving”. There is nothing I “need” from another unless I am not whole within myself. I breathe into this realization and return into softness and clarity, unconditionally giving to Dakar.

I see within Dakar that there are two other women in his “womb” or hara space. Woah….womb…closing…must…acknowledge…work…through…hmmm…what…is…this? There is a blonde woman, standing in the bright light of Dakar’s hara, smiling at me, making sure I saw her. She was not malicious in any way, she just wanted me to recognize her so that she may be set free from whatever ties she has with Dakar. There was also another woman, brunette, not showing her face, hiding in the dark shadows within Dakar. She was grasping onto a piece of him, creating a dark matter within him with her need for something. Both women were not consciously invited into his space, but were open to being recognized and called out. When I told Dakar about these women, he mentioned that he felt like he also wanted a “womb healing”, sealing his womb like I experienced the other night. He didn’t tell me, but he did open up a space within himself to allow this healing to happen.

He hasn’t talked about his past girlfriends in years, and I feel absolutely no jealousy or judgment that their presence is here. After all, I have had to work through my past boyfriends showing up in my space, so why wouldn’t anyone else? I really just felt like a part of him has suppressed their connection with one another, and it was time to bring it up and heal this piece. Dakar agreed that there were two women in particular that he didn’t have a definite closure to their relationships with. I sat there in pure presence, allowing Dakar to express and talk about whatever came up for him, so that he may clear any attachments that are no longer necessary.

Of course, then, when he was clear, allowing these women out of his hara and cutting the KA cords of attachment that they shared, I felt like my womb could once again open up to him and make love to this divine man, sealing our connection, healing on a level deeper than our small minds could ever begin to understand. When he is clean, clear and focused, I feel like I am able to open up and receive more, therefore giving more back to him, and the cycles continue to go round and round, escalating themselves with every revolution. Once again, I feel so blessed to be with a partner who is willing to work through his fears and stuff, co-creating an amazing life with our family, not against each other.

Beautiful Beautiful Rain

Wash away the pain

Drenching the soil

Rocks underneath exposed

Ready to crack

Rushes of flowing water

Cleansing all in your path

Showing me the way

Raw naked power of truth

Generous waters of the dark and light rivers

Combining to lead the way with ruthless mercy

Leaving only broken hearts in your wake

Broken from the hardened armor once surrounding

Only the realness of a soft beating heart remains

Beautiful Beautiful Water

Embracing your gushing flow

I invite you

Into every space between

And through my cells

There is no avoidance

There is no around

There is only through

There is only truth

Come wash me clean for it is only the truth now that I desire

O Holy water

Blessed are you

Only in my creation

Do you exist

Only in my creation

I am humbly grateful
~ Gaiel 

Full Moon Celebration

Day 22 ~ 10/22/10

I used to get really annoyed when the moon would come around and shine into our bedroom on her full moon cycles. The light was so bright, it would keep me awake for hours! The window isn’t very big, so we never bothered with curtains. Being stuck in my head for years I would get soooo grumpy if I didn’t get enough sleep.

Now I cherish the full moon and all her glory! She shines her magnificent beams straight onto our pillows, and we get to breathe her in every month, soaking her in, allowing all of her grace and beauty to engulf us whilst awake, and fully penetrate our cells while we are sleeping. How lucky are we? How many people have that opportunity? I'd love to live in a glass house during the winter (not very practical in the snow though) just so I could watch the weather, the rain, the snow, the clouds moving under the stars...

For a long time, I had no idea how deeply we are all connected we are to the moon and sun cycles. How appropriate then, 11 years ago when we moved in to our home, Dakar and I picked out a new bed. The only one we were drawn to had a glass sculpture of the moon and the sun on the head and foot boards, right in the center. He sleeps on the masculine right side of the bed, underneath the feminine moon, and I sleep on the left feminine side of the bed, underneath the masculine sun.

For a while, we switched, sleeping on the opposite sides. (It was more convenient for me to be on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom when I was pregnant!) We stayed like this for a few years, and so many things in our lives became unbalanced, like our poles were completely out of whack. I remember the day I made the decision to switch back a couple years ago. So many more issues became present in our lives, but they surfaced so we could become aware of them and move through them. Funny how a small thing like which side of the bed one sleeps on could make such a difference, but I really notice (along with all the work we are doing on ourselves) how much our lives seem to be dancing in harmony more, as we are consciously honoring the divine masculine and feminine within us as often as we can.

Tonight we co-created a full moon gathering of women and men to honor this harvest moon. Some friends came over and shared a potluck, and we experienced a meditation together, sounding mantras honoring la luna, sung by a good friend. Not everyone had experience with meditation, but that was perfectly okay – they were open to sharing and that is all that is necessary.

During the meditation, I was taken to a space of complete blackness, a vast space of nothingness. Slowly I saw everyone show up, and whether they knew it or not, there was an energetic connection between us all. I could see the light, and witness how ancient this connection is. Regardless of any physical knowledge, our bodies and souls inherently know what is going on. Our temples know what to do! It’s actually pretty simple, all we have to do is nothing. Just get out of the way and let our souls take over. (Sounds easy, right?)

Even though my eyes were closed, and the clouds were hiding her, I felt like the moon was right in front of me, shining her bright rays directly in my face, penetrating the whole of my body. Then I felt like she was engulfing me, swallowing me up so I was inside of her, touching her form from the inside, feeling her…mmmmm….for a while I was her, I felt like I became one with the moon, looking upon the earth and space all around me, feeling the power of giving radiance to all those open to receiving these rays of energy. This beautiful connection with Luna, to witness and really feel her in all her glory, to share and exchange this with others…what an honor, thank you for allowing me to share this space with you.

Who’s in for next month?

Namaste,

Wha...?

Day 21 ~ 10/21/10

Hmmmm…..I lost a day? Okay... 


Just a modern day hippie, wondering what happened to the trail I used to ride...

Oh, there it isnt!

Hmmmm.....these look interesting...

I guess I'll just have to make my own trail! 

Okay, found it. That was fun! 

Namaste!

Flippy Floppy Change Your Mind

Day 20 ~ 10/20/10

Today is 10 20 20 10. Significant because there are 86,400 chances to live in the moment. 86,400 opportunities to feel alive. 86,400 seconds in this day to express gratitude for every breath in my body.

I don’t do much in the way of following politics. It came up for me today that our leaders are supposed to be a reflection of what the people they are representing really want. Seems like after elections, people take office and ultimately become corrupted on some level. There is much flip-flopping of opinions and very little to nothing gets accomplished, except to continue to destroy what little trust people have in the government in the first place.

Guess what?  This is the perfect mirror of the people! How many of us are excited about getting a new job, then after a while change our opinions about it, then complain about it, sabotaging what we already have? Or relationship? Or children? Or almost everything else? As a whole, we the people are flip-floppy because we don’t really know what we want.

We give birth to new ideas in an old paradigm of programming, adding layers and layers of distractions, which leads to laziness, confusion, anger and a host of other emotions that don’t accomplish anything, except to keep us spinning around on our eternal hamster wheel. Same as politics, it is just an outside reflection of your world, if you take a good look inside yourself, you’ll see the exact same thing going on in your internal world.

I find politics to be an exhausting waste of time to follow. Watching people go over the same crap over and over and over again, never really getting anywhere. It continues to revolve around the same shallow subjects all the time, egos getting in the way of real accomplishment. But this is really an internal reflection as well. For me, I continue to go over the same crap in my life, living it over and over, layer after layer…noticing it’s more difficult for me when my ego gets in the way, and easier when I just surrender into being what is.

What can one do about it? In my experience, the answer is simple. I am not inclined to be a part of the government system, making a stink and running for office in any capacity, so the only thing I can do is change my perspective of how I view my world, and the whole world changes around me. It is when this change of perspective occurs that I am open to noticing different changes that are actually having an impact on the world…which could be completely different for me than it is for you.

Flip flop change your mind and a whole different garden of perspectives occur...!

Sometimes the best work on myself are the days I take time to really BE with my family. Along with calling people and listing my inventory for sale, dissolving more of Blooms and Zooms every day, we went to one of our favorite meadows this afternoon. There were patchy clouds and moments of really great sunshine to be appreciated.

I wonder how free my kids will be when they grow up, being in a family that is prone to walking around the house naked, and stripping down outside in nature whenever we can? At this point they think it’s funny that mom and dad like to be naked in the forest, but haven’t joined us yet. Ah…we’re doing what we can to make sure therapists have plenty of business when they grow up!

It just feels so good to have the sun penetrate parts of my body that have been hidden away from the world for years (in this lifetime, who know how many years in other lifetimes…probably centuries)! We watched as the kids created with just the materials of the forest. My son used a tree as a solid foundation in which to create his lean-to fort, with extra branches, and a space to crawl in, while our daughter chose to create a teepee in the open, figuring out how to balance the branches upon themselves to create stability in her structure. Both ways worked, and it was fascinating to watch each of them.

So many issues could be solved by allowing space for different opinions to surface. One way isn’t necessarily better or worse, than another, just different. Politics, government and people in general could learn a lot from watching all our children. Why must we get in the way? Why do we as a society have to place all these rules on our kids that are proven to not work and expect them to thrive as they grow up? Why can’t we just stay a child at heart, growing up and being conscious about it, but not stifling the imagination into a box that it doesn’t want to fit in? As a supposed “adult” we long to get back to this stage. I wonder if it’s because we were in too much of a hurry to get out of this stage, to grow up too quickly as kids?

Life sure is funny, eh? Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel, the monkey thought twas all in fun, POP goes the weasel! Funny what these words mean to me now that I know less than I did years ago!

Of course, to a boy, everything is a gun! Sigh...

Divine Womb Sealant

Day 19 ~ 10/19/10

Dakar and I were both very tired, so we went with the flow and just fell asleep last night. Early this morning, the energy was alive and vibrant between us. It’s like energy has a chance to build between us sleeping next to one another, and wants to be explored in the mornings.

He had his hand on my heart and we lay there for a long while, just feeling into each other. I had some energy stuck in my head, so I decided to run my shakti circuit to get the energy flowing, balancing harmony throughout my physical and KA bodies. While running my circuit, Dakar and I both dozed for a few minutes. Each of us found a similar outcome within our dream state, we both watched as shakti flowed through our lives, controlling us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it or try to control it, only witness that we were the physical containers for this powerful energy to flow through. I consciously remained awake as I ran the rest of my circuit, feeling the tingling sensation of this beautiful energy running through my being.

As Dakar was holding my 1^st gate, I found someone in my womb that was not invited to be there. She was filling my head with her judgments and projections and it was so wrong for me! I kindly asked her to leave, and as I kicked her out of my womb I made a fresh seal so she could not crawl back in without my permission, I realized that I must have one or more holes in my womb, a gaping hole in a deep dark place of shadow within…

Dakar noticed an immediate change in my whole body language as soon as this person left my womb space. I was completely open, and felt like a huge weight had been released from my body, and she was completely out of my head as well. It was the natural progression to hold Dakar and make love with him.

As our hearts and wombs connected with one another, only blissful pleasure was present. Dakar finished in me and I felt like the inside of my womb was being coated in the divine masculine Womb Sealant, sealing up the holes in my womb from the inside, healing them until my hole-y womb was whole, polished to a sparkling shine!

We shared and had a really great laugh, there was nothing else to do, nowhere to be except here, in this moment, enjoying the fullness of life! 

Later in the morning, I received a phone call from someone completely immersed in the financial masculine world. We were not seeing a particular situation from the same place, and because I was not willing to cave in to his opinions of how he was viewing the world, I was deemed “Unreasonable and Ridiculous” in his eyes. Guess what? It didn’t matter, I held no charge, except that it was okay that we were in disagreement. I found it quite exhilarating, actually, alive and whole. Bring it on! What or who wants a turn next?

I’ve had a pretty big disagreement with the way our public school conducts their administration, so when I went in to have conferences with my children’s teachers, I was definitely ‘on guard’. How cool is it to be expecting one thing, and be completely surprised in a way that is even better than expected?

I knew both kids would have a ‘good’ report, but I loved that my daughter’s teacher explains to the kids that all this testing and paperwork they are required to do is “just a trick”.  These second graders are finding out some truths about how they’re being schooled by their teacher. AWESOME! So the kids are not feeling like they are being ‘judged’ or that they are ‘bad’ if they don’t have a high score on their tests. I love this woman teaching my daughter, especially with her sense of awareness. At 7 yrs old, she brought homework home one day, and I explained to her that she did not complete the assignment the way the question was asking. After a decent debate, she finally said “Fine, I’ll change it, but I don’t have to like it!” Some may disagree, but I find it is very important to understand that it is okay to have your own opinions, but to also see where other people are coming from, and finding where you can compromise without losing your own truths.

I also loved that during this parent/teacher conference with my son’s teacher, he was required to be there. His teacher spent most of the conference speaking directly with my son, showing him how he was doing in class, asking him questions, and encouraging his participation, loving that he is being a role model for the other students, asking him what goals he would like to accomplish this year, and showing him where and how he can easily improve in certain areas of his learning.

Aside from the school wanting the teachers, students and parents to sign a three way contract stating that they will be absent no more than 10 school days, they will limit their t.v. and video time, eat healthy meals and communicate (I don’t really feel like I have to sign a piece of paper saying that I will be a good parent to my kids), I am encouraged that the teachers are really trying hard to not be “of the administrative system”, and are doing their best to honestly teach the kids. 

Thank you!

Liar, Liar

 

Day 18 ~ 10/18/10

I am the biggest liar I know. I continue to catch myself in a myriad of lies, everyday! Today I was talking with someone about closing my business. Again was the question of “What will you do?” I said “As little as possible. You know, I have a lot going on – WAIT! No I don’t, I don’t really have anything going on!” I caught myself in this lie, this excuse like I should have something going on in order to make it seem like my life has some value to it. Why on earth would I say that? Habits, excuses, ego – LIES!

I reminded myself that this doesn’t make me a bad person, just makes me aware of what I’ve been doing for years in the past, and what I don’t want to do in the future. I do find though as I catch myself earlier and earlier in the lie, it is easier to acknowledge it for what it is and tell the truth from that moment, especially if that means I have to stop talking to someone and re-gather myself in order to show up in the next moment in my truth. I feel it’s giving my communication partner permission to do the same thing, or at least they have the opportunity to witness it, and vice versa.

I’ve been giving the kids a bit more responsibility at home and I find that they are thrilled to be doing their chores…when I’m with them helping them out. So tonight I washed the dishes with my son before dinner. He was completely engaged and surprised how quickly they could get done when there is a different dynamic to the teamwork.

At the dinner table, we have a tradition of saying “gratefuls” and “forgiveness’s”. Each night we say what we are grateful for for the day, and it can never be the same thing twice. We’re always finding something new to be grateful for, even if it is a particular grain of pepper in the pepper shaker. Then we say what we forgive ourselves for, picking one particular thing that happened during the day that we want to acknowledge and truly be in forgiveness about. These can be repeated over and over, as it seems that we usually make the same mistakes time and again, until we finally learn our lessons!

At dinner this evening, our son looked at me and said “I forgive myself for not listening to you mom.” Usually his forgiveness’s are shallow in nature, but I am finding the more time I spend with them working on chore’s and responsibilities, the deeper they go within themselves, and uncontrived respect just flows from their amazing beings! So far, more responsibility has equaled more respect, for self and for others.

This was completely mirrored back to me as I realized that ever since Dakar has backed off from expecting me to complete certain chores around the house, I end up doing them because I want to!  When he treats me like a queen (or what I thought was a queen, but now realize it was a princess, because I was behaving and being treated like a little girl) – spoiling me, making dinner, doing dishes, pretty much doing everything so that I won’t have to, he lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him and myself. There was no shared accountability. Of course, when he wasn’t home, it was easy for me to step into the role of the provider, but when he was here, I found myself acting like a little girl. Can you say ‘daddy issues’ some more?

Now we are both realizing what a true queen gets treated like. There are no expectations, he doesn’t feel like he has to do everything around the house as well as “bring home the bacon”. Because of this, I have a new perspective of wanting to contribute more, because I don’t feel the expectations or guilt from myself or the judgments from Dakar. Sometimes this work is really, really hard, but I am amazed at how much it is worth it!

It’s so much easier to be in gratitude and harmony when there are no expectations. I have my children to thank for showing me so much of life!

Namaste

Rose Quartz

Day 17 ~ 10/17/10

On my own again this evening, no matter how much I complain, I am so grateful to have a partner! Tonight I wondered what would happen if I switched my hands up while holding my yoni, sending love and gratitude to this beautiful first gate. I felt to take some Rose Quartz liquid crystals before I began, some of these daddy issues could use a bit of diving into. Find out more about Liquid Crystals.

My left, feminine hand had me exploring tremendous swirling colors, like a pastel painting, brush strokes in Monet fashion. Goose down fluffy feathers, soft and fluffy cotton candy clouds, swallowed up by the grace’s embrace, tasting of love in its finest glory. Mmmmmm….staying here for the time being…

My right hand took me straight into the dark rivers of my heart. Whew…breathing, breathing, breathing! I discovered some immediate jealousy issues with a dear friend who I notice I’ve somewhat distanced myself from. I love that she can always freely express exactly who she is whenever and wherever, and I’ve longed for this ability within myself to do so. I’ve always been sort of a chameleon, following the lead of others, fitting in, blending very well, but always losing myself in the process because I don’t know what my true colors are.

I started second guessing any kind of limits to pushing through boundaries of fear. I could be like Jim Carrey in “Yes Man”, saying Yes to everything, but sometimes it is okay to say NO – and that would be pushing through fear as well.

Saying Yes to pushing through the fear of alcohol, doesn’t necessarily mean I have to experience a highly addictive drug like heroin or cocaine, maybe to get over my fear of it I could go to a rehab center, or immerse myself in a community for a bit that is experiencing this addiction, so that I may transform my judgments about these drugs.

Tattoos - ? I don’t necessarily have a fear of getting one, but of getting the wrong one. What if I don’t like what I chose in a few years? What if there is truth to the ink being really toxic for my body? What if I start stamping my tramp stamp because gravity has taken it’s toll and my skin is now sagging under my feet? (ha ha ha!) Life puts enough tattoos on me as it is!

Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.
-- Billy Elmer

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember

I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place

Even your emotions have an echo

In so much space

And when you’re out there, without care

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough

I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are

Having the time of your life

But think twice

That’s my only advice

Come on now, who do you

Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?

Ha ha ha, bless your soul

You really think you’re in control?

Well, I think you’re crazy

I think you’re crazy

I think you’re crazy

Just like me

My heroes had the heart

To lose their lives out on a limb

And all I remember

Is thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little

Ever since I was little

It looked like fin

And it’s no coincidence I’ve come

And I can die when I’m done

But maybe I’m crazy

Maybe you’re crazy

Maybe we’re crazy

Probably

Sung by Gnarls Barkley

Songwriters: Reverberi, Gian Piero, burton, Brian Joseph, Gianfranco, Callaway Thomas Decarlo  (according to metrolyrics(dot)com)

Namaste