"If I Were Invisible, Of Course You'd Love Me" ~MJ

Day 8 ~ 10/08/10

“If I were invisible, of course you’d love me.” ~ Michael Jackson

I used to think I was invisible. I’d be sitting at a stop sign, and not want to drive my car through the intersection because I thought no one could see me and I would get hit. Or it would prove my theory of being invisible and non-existent that I would be driven right through, like a ghost.

It is the people who speak up, and speak the truth that are the most crucially judged. MJ’s quote is so fitting, if I just keep my mouth shut, then no one would have anything to judge me about. BLAH! I’ve done that for years!!! And while I recognize that there ARE definite times where keeping my mouth shut is truly beneficial (anyone know what I mean?), there are times where not stepping into the world, living it with others, sharing what really has the potential to propel myself and others forward into deep soul inquiry keeps me hidden.

Then there are the times when life gives us the opportunity to really explore what this means, and the saying “you only get what you give” is also apparent. A few years ago, I was really searching for a way to give back. My heart and soul remembered that there was more to life than just having a family and running a business. I was at the beginning of exploring who I AM (I feel like I still am at the beginning!), and getting out into the community, serving others was really calling me.

I was invited to join a local Rotary Club. I was immediately drawn by their initiation guidelines of “Service Above Self”, and especially the four way test that every Rotarian is required to live by in what they think, say and do. Sounds simple enough, right up the way I’m already living my life (or so I thought).

1.     Is it the truth?

2.     Is it fair to all concerned?

3.     Will it build goodwill and better friendships?

4.     Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

I cannot discount the countless acts of service and fellowship this club has generated over the past 100 years. There have been many instances of selfless actions and empowerment from many people.

But for me, and this is where the “get what you give” comes in, I ended up resigning my membership shortly before my third year. It was included in a year that so many things from my past were being dissolved, relationships, business, objects, etc. I had entered a club to be able to find myself serving, but there ended up being so few projects I felt drawn to work on. Because of my talents as a florist and having a flower shop, I immediately filled a space of being able to decorate for parties. There were definite opportunities to participate in other events, and I did. Maybe I just didn’t recognize any value I had within the group because I wasn’t putting out any more effort than what was required of me.

I started to question the four way test, and what it meant for me.

1. What is the truth anyway? Is it universal? How do I know what we’re doing is really helping the souls of others? What if our “service” is really prolonging suffering, by enabling people to stay reliant on handouts instead of really empowering them with self responsibility?

2. What does fair look like and how can it even be described?

3. What kind of friendships is it building, and what the hell is “goodwill” anyway? I felt like while there were less than a handful of people out of 100 or so in our chapter that I felt a connection with on a deep and meaningful level, the rest were lost souls, caught up in the game that is being played, creating shallow friendships that one could share a glass of wine or beer with and talk about the weather.

4. Like #2, who gets to define what is beneficial to anyone?

I started to feel like there were so many parties, benefits and fundraisers. It felt like a group “pat on the back for a job well done” everywhere I looked. I could clearly see that some members were well within the boundaries of their own personal integrity, serving according to their own individual belief systems, and I could also see many people shuffling their feet, not wanting to commit themselves to anything. There was sooooo much going on, being tugged and pulled in so many different directions, it was very easy to feel overwhelmed, therefore not wanting to commit to anything!

For me though, it got to the point that there was so much acknowledgment and service to the ego. How is that service above self? This is just feeding the ego/mind. Why does one need to be recognized with a physical award for doing “good” in front of other people? I believe a true master would not have the need to look externally for praise because they would already be living it. Their actions in each moment – even if not recognized by others – is service enough.

Is quitting service clubs, dissolving relationships that are false and take too much energy, rearranging schedules so one has more time to work on one’s soul well being hiding away from the world? Or could it be that this is a huge service, letting go of the distractions so you can be authentic with yourself, so that when you are out in the world, you are allowing people to see who you truly are?

And when I come across people living in authenticity, Of course I LOVE YOU especially because you are not hiding your true self away. You are not INVISIBLE!

Of course, I am speaking directly to myself, as a part of me must still feel invisible, but with each radical action or blog, I am starting to see my life, starting to see that what I do or share is having an effect. There’s a part of me that is starting to actually like and accept what I see in the mirror…

Here's to looking at you, kid!

Namaste