Daddy Issues

Day 15 ~ 10/15/10

 

Just like my dad, I can be hard and stubborn, set in my ways. I find myself trying, wanting to crack open, still recognizing the fear, knowing much more action is required. I’ve got daddy issues and I am so tired of having to be right all the time!

The daddy issues creep up slowly, guess they know Halloween is coming, stalking, waiting for the right time to pounce, then “BOO! Gotcha!”

A big one for me is “Time”, doing things on everyone else’s “time”. I have judgment about others dictating my timeline – no matter how nice it is said, it is my own insecurities with it that puts up a reaction. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in “my time” that I don’t always respect working with others in a time frame that could work for all people involved. Part of me gets so focused on what I’m doing, that any interruption becomes a nuisance. A goal I am working on with Dakar is being able to get to a place where I can process anything or any “interruption” without reaction with a positive or negative charge, allowing myself to be in every moment, then nothing is a judgment.

Part of this is understanding how to say “NO” to things that are not important, and part of working with a partner is to learn how to communicate e v e r y t h I n g! Working together to create an agreeable space or time to work without compromising personal integrity. And being okay that it doesn’t always have to be my way either.

For me, it comes up a lot in the early hours of the morning, when I want to sleep. I am a night owl, and Dakar is an early bird. It’s always been that way with us, yin/yang on so many levels! We’ve been working after the kids go to bed every night, sometimes until one or two in the morning, sometimes until three or four in the morning. I really like to sleep afterward, but Dakar has this amazing ability to still get up early! (On the other hand, I can stay up all night.) He wakes up to his energy flowing through him, and can feel mine when I am sleeping. He’ll wake me up early 4 am, 5 am, 6 am, all the time!

He is so innocent in the way he wants to share this with me, and I feel like a bitch when I tell him to go away, stop touching me, let me sleep! I can feel when I put my layers on. Why do I feel guilty when I just want to sleep? I want to wake up naturally according to my internal time clock, not on someone else’s schedule. He tells me I am resisting, that I need to surrender and release, make love to him and I can go back to bed….we haven’t gotten through this issue yet, I am open to suggestions! Anyone want to comment or contribute?

On one hand I’m allowing Dakar the space to go deep within and find strength to deal with me and my resistance from a whole new level he is not used to. He has shared that this is hard for him to have to trust his intuition and do something about it, not just walk away, letting me control the situation.

On the other hand, I have five fingers. (:~) HA! HA! HA! It is completely up to me to step through my resistance. At anytime I can let it go, but sometimes it’s overwhelming how the old ways are so ingrained into the fabric of my made up existence. Some layers are easy to remove, like chalk from a chalkboard, other layers feel like I’m trying to wash off words to my story that have been etched deeply into a stone. More force, or a different kind of action is required. A wet washcloth gently scrubbing isn’t enough, I have to break out the sandpaper, chisels and hammers, electric grinder to remove the graffiti from this stone!

Anyway, I am figuring out which tools work the best for any given situation so I can put my daddy issues to rest, to face the fear of my dad judging me and bringing that into my marriage. I am not married to my dad (California has laws against that), and when I bring these issues into my relationship, it is hard to be intimate. I can continue to feel like a little girl and let myself feel judged, or I can continue to work on growing up.

Namaste