Day 28 ~ 10/28/10
I could seriously lose myself in art. Art of any kind. It’s great to see what others have created and receive such inspiration in this. It’s also amazing to go through the feelings, or raw, juicy, organic flow, experiencing every brush stroke, every key stroke, every warping of a digital picture…an outward expression of an inward state. I absolutely loved the creation aspect of arranging flowers, and taking photographs, it was the business side that didn’t flow well within me!
So journaling, creating art, listing to music, creating dancing and the simple movements with sound, all things, I could lose myself for days on end. Dakar once asked me if I would even know if the house was on fire around me. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s asked me this many more times than once! I guess I would figure it out eventually…when I was surrounded in the flames, wondering where they came from!
AND as he comes home right now in this moment as I am writing this, with our son, bounding with lots of loud energy up the stairs, I am interrupted, and get seriously annoyed. Sometimes I can ignore everything and continue on, and sometimes there are so many distractions that anger churns up within me because I feel like I have to stop my flow and deal with other people!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH – go away and be quiet please!!! I guess I am still dealing with my judgments of not allowing myself permission to do what I want to be doing in any given moment. I still feel like I should be up, always taking care of the house, making dinner, cleaning up, and being a “perfect wife”. Or just acknowledging that this issue is still present, and that I need to be completely honest with myself, and not pretend that it has gone anywhere, and I have evidentially not transformed my perception about it either.
So is my appreciation for working late at night when everyone else has gone to bed so I can be in complete silence with myself an excuse, or valid? Can I really have internal peace within myself, not judging myself or those around me while I am focused in what I am doing in the moment at any moment? Is this an accomplishment, a goal to strive for, or a lifelong practice? Do I have to schedule a TIME to be alone? That doesn’t seem like it would be in the flow, as my creativity will seep out on it’s own schedule, not when it is “convenient” for anyone. Sheesh.
Why am I so worried about suppressing everyone else’s’ creativity or expression, or way of being, seemingly at the expense of suppressing myself? Is the mere act of acknowledging these issues bringing them to light, therefore dealing with them on some level? Talking about them with my family certainly seems to help, especially to let them know that when I explode at them for being interrupted, it is not about them, it is ultimately about me dealing with myself and the suppressions I have placed upon myself for years and years.
It is most certainly not just during meditation that the work gets done! In fact, I feel like meditations just help bring rise to certain issues, and it is during the physical, waking hours that the most effective, healing work takes place – or at least presents the opportunity for dealing with them to occur!
Tonight Dakar and I had our own triple-play. We did our ovary/testis breathing gazing out at the stars in the dark night sky, a sound meditation with Oon Rahum, and more yoni gazing. I feel like it is time for me to up my game and commit to another level…yikes! Starting Nov. 1 (or sooner), I will continue with the yoni gazing and gate work, (feels like I still have so far to go), and add 30 days of Oon Rahum – this meditation every day – as writing and witnessing my testimony over this past month has showed me my deep commitment to myself, the work I have to do in order to be whole within myself, to show up in my truth with others. There simply is nothing else for me to do except for this. I never thought that my unworthiness issues would ever fade, but I see them dissolving now…slowly…
During our ovary breathing, I am constantly amazed at how quickly the energy runs through my body, like freshly charged batteries replacing slower worn out ones. I am instantly energized, no coffee needed here! I do still feel some pain in my right ovary with this breath work, I guess more and deeper clearing is still required…
After getting “warmed up” and really into our Oon Rahum meditation, I am still surprised at the sounds that escape my lips. It’s almost like I’m not even sounding – it’s just song coming through me. It feels different, uncontrollable. But why would I even want to control this? Such a beautiful sound and feeling!
It reminded me of my connection to the divine mothers. I don’t have a full awareness of what that means, I can just feel this connection and know it to be true. I want to explore deeper so that I may reach my fullest potential to serve and know myself.
It also reminded me when I was doing this particular meditation in France. I had to pee soooo bad! I was judging myself for having to go, (but if you know this meditation, it really does press on the bladder something fierce, at least it does for me!) I didn’t want to get up and interrupt the collective energy that was being built up. I thought that I would ultimately get in trouble for disrupting, or for getting up and not being present throughout the meditation.
The feeling of needing to go kept getting more and more intense, and I kept on with the meditation. It got so bad that I could no longer focus on the meditation. I still didn’t want to get up, so as we were all lying down, I put a blanket over my body, pulled down my pants and tried to go right on the mat! No matter how much I tried to force the pee out, it would not come! I was downright laughing at myself at this point, realizing that I am putting more effort into trying to pee, than into the meditation. Finally, I got up, went outside and just released into the earth. Aaaahhhh…. I was then able to come back and give myself 100% to the meditation. And guess what happened? Nothing!!! I was the only one who put any blame, shame or guilt on myself. I didn’t get in trouble like a kid in school. Silly me.
After our Oon Rahum meditation, we went right into yoni gazing. (Dakar and I - not the group in France! Although…I bet some real deep stuff would come up in a group yoni gazing setting, even just being partnered up with our partners…ouch!) I am so happy to have a partner participating with me because this is such sensual work, that some of these exercises bring the sexual energy right out, flowing to the surface and all I want to do is release the sexual tension as the gazing quickly turns into love making. I could feel Dakar’s focus and love, rushing energy throughout my body, making me want to receive all of him, to give back all of myself to him. The music playing was perfect as we took our time enjoying one another. Again, I felt as if I were a giant in the cosmos, a holographic image of myself enjoying the sweet juices of sexual pleasure coursing through all of my bodies, physically experiencing love and joy, creating art all over again in a different way!
Oh what a nice slumber was had after this evening!
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