Day 1 ~ 10/01/10 ~ Starting a Blog
I am finding myself quite nervous about starting a journey that requires me to stay completely committed for the next 365 days. Of course, the decision to do so ultimately lies within me, but the request came from my womb, and I promised myself that I would pay more attention to her, as she knows a great deal more than my mind does! So I humbly accept this challenge into the spaces of known and unknown…
Not only is there the issue of commitment, but also the fear of putting myself out there, completely exposing my raw, honest, vulnerable feelings and truths in the moment. As a newly realized control freak (yes, it took 35 years for me to finally realize that I have control issues), I often find myself wanting to start a project, then never doing so because I feel everything has to be perfect from the get go. It has to be the perfect words, the perfect blog site, the perfect timing, perfect grammer and spelling, what if nobody reads this, what if someone does read this? What if my parents read this? What if I end up not doing the Yoni Gazing exercise every day, will that make me a failure to my commitment? What if I start writing and actually find my passion again? Blah, blah, blah…so many what ifs, I have a habit of making it too complicated, and find excuses to quit.
So all these reasons of fear coming through are precisely why I am starting a blog. I don’t read them, I really don’t know what they are about, I feel for me it’s like an online journal, allowing myself to be completely exposed to no one, anyone and everyone. I am exhausted from holding on to fear. I recognize that I lost my passion for life itself, and want sooooo much to get it back. The recent deaths and life changing events of some close people around me has given me the initial fuel to realize that it’s time to get busy living or get busy dying.
So what is Yoni Gazing and why am I writing about it? Ummmm….I honestly have no idea. From my understanding, the physical act of Yoni Gazing is an extraordinarily honoring, healing exercise, that takes one into the true depths of who they really are, exposing and stripping away layers upon layers of stagnant energies, sexual scars, deep truths and I guess I’ll find out more as I go.
Yoni Gazing can be done with a partner (who is committed to his or her growth and healing as much as you are, as this act does so much for both male and female), or by the female alone. Creating a sacred honoring space for the moments of this exercise, all you have to do is have the female yoni exposed while the male silently gazes at her magnificence, sending as much love and gratitude to the yoni as he can. She then has the opportunity to see what comes up for her, and within the safe space that has been created, she expresses whatever it is that needs to come out. Crying, laughing, yelling, screaming, moaning, it doesn’t matter, as long as it is real. Or, the female can hold a mirror up to her yoni and gaze herself with love and gratitude. This is not an intentional act of foreplay, but may lead into lovemaking if both partners are open. For more information on the actual Yoni Gazing exercise, you can find it on page 75 in the book ‘The Power of Shakti’ by Padma Aon Prakasha, found on www.christblueprint.com
I have to be quite honest here, the first time I was approached with the idea of this exercise, I completely shut down to it and shoved it my back room, the room that is hiding all of my dark shadowy secrets, the room that has layers and layers of guarded doors, all locked, dead bolted, chained up with steel welded bars, the room that if anything leaked out of there would have the opportunity to crack open my armored heart and make me look at myself for who I really am, not who I think I am.
VUNERABILITY = OUCH!
So, I conveniently “forgot” about Yoni Gazing for maybe a year, year and a half. At a recent retreat, my friend reminded me about how much it this would help me. Oh my! How I cringed, my jaw tightened, by body completely contracted, the hiss of an angry cat escaped my lips, without a word, every cell of my being expressed FEAR!!! To let my partner of 12 1/2 years, whom I’ve had two children with, actually look at my yoni? Not a chance! I don’t even know what the “what ifs” were, the only one I can remember is what if I actually have to expose myself and TRUST him? I might have to respect him more and lose a piece of this masculine control I have within me.
The masculine way that has dominated my life for soooooo long. I might actually have to start remembering what it’s like to be a female! I’ve seen it in other women, and I guess a part of me has secretly longed for femininity…but I grew up in a world of black and white, there was only right and wrong. Being a girl meant being weak. So my life as a tomboy began….my job as a florist (funny – being a florist to me screams feminine, yet, I have still found a way to make it masculine!!!) makes my hands look like a mechanics hands, to this day, I have only had 2 manicures in my life – I tell myself it’s the chemicals and formaldehyde in the nail polish that keeps me from going... I really only started wearing pink last year. I don’t wear make up and hardly ever wear dresses and skirts. My smile has been fake on SO many occasions, and…anyway, you get the picture.
All of this self imposed weight, no wonder my back hurts! Last week I decided to push through all of this and take the plunge. My husband, of course, was all too eager to gaze at my yoni…jerk. Everything is about sex, and even if it’s not, I have made up the story that it is, which helps to keep me completely closed off to opening up. A few big deep breaths later, I take off my pants and cover up with a nice, warm snuggly blanket. He says he can’t see me! I know, that’s the way I wanted it. There wasn’t enough light so he wanted to use a head lamp. NO WAY!!! Putting a spotlight directly on my yoni? You’ve got to be kidding me! I make him get out the candles, and find matches. All delay tactics, can you see the control freak starting to emerge? It’s really funny now that I’m writing about it! But in that moment, the contraction of fear and horror was overwhelming. Finally we’re ready, and he starts gazing at my yoni. I almost barfed. I then went into the space of let’s just get this over with, and I laid there with my arms folded across my chest, completely emotionless for I don’t know how long. I was closed to letting any emotions flow, just wanted to be done with it. So that’s it. First day, nothing happened. I guess it wasn’t so bad. He really tried and I had to give him credit for putting up with my attitude and loving me through thick and thin.
The next day, I was like, yeah! I did it! Look at me, I worked through my fear. Aren’t I great? I can handle this, I’m done. Whew, glad that’s over. Little did I realize, this was only the beginning….mwuahahahahaha….the voice of my womb is cackling with pleasure, as she whacks me upside the head to pay attention, of course, all in the name of love.
Then…I was called out. Listening to some other people get real with themselves, I realized just how half assed most of my efforts were, and in a moment, for a moment, I understood humility. I stood up and asked for my life to radically change, and a most precious, loving being, whacked me upside the head again. It was so completely humiliating, that in a second I realized what a gift I was being handed. My husband immediately stood up with me and we went off to try Yoni Gazing again. The hurt I’ve placed on myself from so many years showed up on my face, and the anger was surging through every pore of my skin.
For the next several hours, my husband went to a place within himself that I have never seen before. He gazed, he loved, he yelled at me, he hurt me. I felt my victim role, I felt imprisoned, I felt completely unworthy, and I felt the hardness within me, not wanting to break. But deep down, I really did want to break. I wanted to surrender into the soft folds of vulnerability I knew were possible. I wanted to feel love again. For myself, for him, for our children, for the world. When he was yelling at me to get over myself, I could feel that this was coming from a complete place of love, there was no anger within him. I could see it was very hard for him, but he understood, just as I did, how much I needed to break. These walls are so very thick, I wonder how many lifetimes I’ve spend building them up into a fortress?
We tried several exercises from Yoni Gazing, to physically pressing on my heart so that I might remember where it is from the intense focused pain, to yelling and crying, finally to penetration. I felt like I was being raped, like all of my soul was being ripped away from me. I wanted to do nothing else but roll over and die, drowning in my tears. I kept trying to push him away, to get off of me, but he kept coming at me, with more force, more intensity, more aching to surrender. His touch disgusted me, yet I wanted so much to feel the freedom I knew was possible. In and out, in and out, I kept telling myself to let go, but there is absolutely no substitute for lip service than physical, grounded action. I really don’t know how it happened, but after what seemed like a year, I felt myself coming to a place of climax within my body, the only thing I ached for was surrender. There was nothing else so important in that moment but to let go. So many cords, ties and chains attaching me to my pain, holding me back, keeping the suffering alive, hurting so bad…in a moment, I was like Morphius in The Matrix, where the desire to be free was so overwhelming that the strength to be free from the chains that bound were broken apart. I released into the softness of pleasure, breaking through a layer and dissolving it into nothingness, as my tears welled up once again, crying into the beauty that can only be felt by surrender in action. I never fully allowed myself to know how much he really loves me, and how much it is okay for me to love myself…
With a much lighter heart, I gave myself permission to laugh, to laugh a real laugh, to experience moments of real Shakti, to let my hair down (and chop it off – thank you Tracy), and to finally realize just how blessed I am to be with a man who loves me enough to break me. To realize how much I want to be in love with myself to commit to losing my mind and doing whatever it takes to get there. How much do I want to be free? I would give up my U2 concert tickets to get there (that’s big for me!) And so begins another journey…
Namaste
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