Rainy Day Meditations

Day 3 ~ 10/03/10

Oh, what a beautiful rainy day, complete with lightning and thunderstorms!  The perfect day to stay inside with quiet internal reflections present.,.then making love with my husband in front of the first fire of the fall season, mmmmmmmm…..how wonderful!

I spent a better part of the day editing photos from our recent trip. There were some amazing shots, and some average snapshots. I recalled someone giving me a compliment about how I take really great pictures. I replied that since I take so many, I’m bound to get a few good ones. I realized immediately that this form of trying to look humble really is self sabotage to stay shut down and unworthy to experiencing my full greatness – whatever that looks like. I have not been honoring myself in any way by staying hidden to the truth of who I really am. I am a great multimedia artist and photographer! I have a good eye and sharpness for detail (I have my control freak issues to thank for that!)

I have spent most of my life doing things just part way. I start out putting in 100% effort, then my energy seems to fizzle out, either leaving the project incomplete, or half assed. There are also many times where I get into a zone of being out of my mind, and I am conscious about what I am doing, but my mind is gone, either listening to great music, or just not there, and all of a sudden what I am working on is complete, and it’s awesome!

I ponder how my life could be better if I put all my effort into whatever I am doing in any given moment. Why am I wasting my existence `not fully living? I can always figure out anything when I have to, when a deadline is looming and its crunch time to get things done, a solution always presents itself because that is what I’m focused on. I feel like my life is coming to that crunch time, and it’s time for me to figure out what is driving me, to learn how to fully dive into myself and learn how to live. What in the hell am I waiting for????

After the kids went to bed, my husband Dakar and I went to work together. We had two meditations planned, the yoni gazing and another active meditation with sound. We couldn’t agree on which to do first. Because we were in disagreement, all of a sudden everything was about my newfound “control issues”. Just because I have a different perspective makes me controlling? Seems like this discovery is a tool for him to make me wrong all the time. Ahhh!!! There I go again, it’s really only me that is judging here, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

Anyway, the first meditation (yes, I got my way, it seemed more efficient to do them in this order) included physical movement and sounding. I allowed myself to become so annoyed at the sounds he was making, I mean, if anyone is a worse singer than me, it’s my husband – and I’m not saying that to be mean, just a truth. It got to the point where I got up to put earplugs in! The whole reason for this meditation was to work on connections. Connecting the power of the womb/hara with the heart, then singing a beautiful song to the divine mothers. I don’t know why I couldn’t accept that divine mothers and fathers do not care what we sound like, as long as we are giving them all of who we are. This is what I came to focus on, the unconditional accepting of whatever the song sounds like. I really had to go deep within to the core of Gaia to ask for strength in transforming my small mind perspectives. It took a while, but after about 45 minutes I was in a non-judgmental loop of singing my own song, and accepting Dakar singing his song in his own way.

It was then I felt compelled to strip down completely naked and start sounding internally. In the most beautiful of ways, Yoni Gazing organically unfolded itself while I was still in connection, singing to mother, feeling the heat of energy that was running an infinity loop around and through my womb, around my heart, and back again. My body was pulsing, alive with raw energy that didn’t want to be contained, breathing and swimming in the pure heat of emotional energy.

Dakar, all the while, patiently gazing at my yoni. I could feel the heat on my lips as he sent his love. His heart has cracked wide open recently, and it makes it so much easier for me to trust and surrender into the essence of his being. After just a short while, I could hardly take unbridled energy coursing through my veins, I allowed him to gently muzzle up to me, with soft kisses from his lips and tongue. I had visions of Mother Mary teaching me how to be a woman. I was almost laughing because the traditional thought of Mary as a virgin, and here she is, showing me how to be a full on woman with a ravenous sexual appetite! Right on Mama!

It wasn’t long before I pulled myself to the top of Dakar, in a state of ecstasy, releasing in so many places where hardness from the day was wanting to settle in. The past few days of love making has brought me to tears upon release, but this time was pure laughter. A great big hearty laugh of joy and release. THANK YOU!!!

I settled down to lie next to him, our hearts touching, bonding together, breathing as one. It was at this point of relaxation that more issues started to arise within. Feelings of him not having had the satisfaction of release for himself, I should lie there and let him finish. The more I thought about this, the more I felt like I would be dishonoring ourselves by allowing him to jab himself into me. So I brought up my feelings in conversation with him in that moment, and I am so blessed to have a man next to me who cares enough to understand that this behavior has held us both down in the past, and we’re working to create a space of unconditional love and trust. He was very sensitive to just holding me as we breathed together, enjoying the warmth of the fireplace until we drifted off into the black of night…

Namaste