Walking On...

 

 

Day 2 ~ 10/02/10

Fuck it. I am completely exhausted from trying to be perfect all the time. That, and possibly still a bit of jet lag from our return home from France and Switzerland.

This morning I woke up to Dakar holding my first gate. I was having a dream of riding in a horse drawn coach with 5 gay guys. We were all flirting, laughing and having a LOT of fun. There were absolutely no expectations, and all guards were off. The easy way of being completely open almost made me sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream, as it felt more real than being awake! I remember having fun with my gay friends when I lived in Mammoth, knowing that they would never try to take advantage of me in a sexual way, and I felt very free to do what I wanted around them.

I reminisce about this time, believing that there is a day in the near future where I can be as free as I want to be without worrying about how others perceive me, how I perceive myself, or if I am inviting in any unwanted actions. Just because I smile at you doesn’t mean I want to go to bed with you. Besides, I’m pretty sure my husband would object. Or would he? We’ve had an open conversation about this, and the conclusion was that we set each other and ourselves free to be in the moment. However, it seems perspectives are constantly changing, so another conversation perhaps? My current perspective is that if we are working on creating a conscious sacred union with one another, it would be dishonoring for either one of us to go outside of our relationship for sexual pleasures.

Being completely open here, there was one moment in our relationship, about two years ago… We had been together for 10 years already, and things were starting to fall apart. I had an amazing connection with someone else, and when we kissed, I was reminded of the passion that was lacking in my life. The amazing gift of this was that I wanted to take this fiery passion home and bring it back to my marriage. I would stop at nothing to have these feelings again, even if that meant splitting our family apart and walking our own separate ways. I saw absolutely no reason for putting up with a dull life that was barely above living.

Funny thing is, I didn’t tell my husband about kissing another man until just a couple of weeks ago. I was still holding on to a fear deep within me, allowing myself to continue to feel unworthy of his love. He had even suspected that I had a connection with someone else when I came home two years ago, accusing me of sleeping with someone else.

Although it never went that far, I proceeded to lie to his face, telling him that his intuition was wrong. Man, how selfish is that? I realize now how much that also keeps his issues going, and how awful it is to squash someone else’s feelings, even if it is unintentional, and especially if it’s because of my issues. Telling him he’s wrong for trusting himself…I must have been embodying my shadow, letting her completely run my life. At this point I can only ask for forgiveness, mostly from myself as he has shown he has already forgiven me. With much gratitude, I fall humbly to my knees and breathe, and then I’ll pick myself back up, brush myself off and keep walking on.

It’s been said that Thomas Edison failed around 10,000 times before his light bulb worked. When asked how he felt about so many failures, he replied that he never failed, he just found out 10,000 ways how NOT to make a light bulb. I always remember this whenever my small self feels like a failure, and remember that the only way to fail is to quit…so here I AM, once again walking on…

When we were finished with our retreat last week, Dakar and I were going to go with some other couples to Magdalene’s Cave in the south of France. At the last minute, everyone went their own way, to quietly integrate in a way that was appropriate for them. We found ourselves headed toward the mountains once again (we seem to always find ourselves in one mountain range or another!), going with the flow with no plans whatsoever. LOVE IT!

After driving a short way to a nearby town, and ‘coincidentally’ running into three other women from the retreat, we found ourselves connecting with the character of Privas. The quiet afternoon when the shops were closed for siesta, the beautiful buildings crumbling to the ground with age, the bakery that displayed their colorful delicacies and was a fine example of what could be accomplished when creating from within with 100% passion…

We were called up the winding roads (which Dakar had so much fun driving like a race car driver), into the trees to a place called Indian Forest. What do you know? We were just in time as Martin (the guy who worked there) was setting up for an afternoon session of ropes courses and zip lines. YAHOO! This is our kind of vacation! (Museums – not really our thing.)

Taking a step off the ledge to Tarzan swing into a net may not seem like a big deal, but it is very relevant to taking action, like walking off a cliff straight into the mouth of your fears. Afterward, it’s not always a big deal to do it again, but there’s something about that initial step into the unknown…something that holds us all back at one time or another. I found that the more I jumped off the ledges, the easier it got. Pretty soon, I was taking that initial step without the fear, and it was just exhilarating! To zipline a few thousand feet over a canopy of trees, letting my body go limp, hanging there and just surrendering to the movement of Shakti in the moment, now there’s something worth living for!

That night we called home to say hi to the kids for the first time in a week. While our son was excited to chat with us, our daughter was having too much fun on the trampoline and decided to not say hi to us. She is soooo good at teaching us how to stay in the moment! I was away at a different workshop when she was 5 yrs old, she got on the phone with me and all she said was “Goodbye forever Mom”. So perfect, how did she know I was dissolving my self and would never be the same again?

After a nice hot bath, Dakar and I set up a quiet space to gaze into the depths of my yoni…after some great physical exercise, we were tired, but committed to see where she would take us, continuing to address and dissolve what may come up as we recognize the deep layers upon layers within all the folds of everything that makes us who we are, or who we think we are.

As I lay there, completely relaxed and open, Dakar notices that my lips continue to change with my present attitude. If I am shutting down, he tells me that my lips are closed like a clamshell, when I am more relaxed, they naturally open up to reveal the pearl within. It is in this relaxed state that I listen to my womb tell me that both Dakar and I would benefit from Yoni Gazing for the next 365 days…oh, and that I should blog about it in public! Whoops! I think there was a contraction there! Yep, just there, ummmm, why blog about it?

Excitement and fear, they both produce the same chemical reactions in the body, which one will I choose? Initially it was excitement! Cool, something new, this will help me stay focused and committed to my goal of healing so many sexual repressions, vulnerabilities, trust and unworthiness issues, etc. But I’ll tell you, 35 years and who knows how many lifetimes of creating habits that only serve to layer on fears and stuff that doesn’t matter, creeps back in, completely unseen, like a spider on your leg, one moment there’s nothing, the next moment there’s a huge spider on your leg!!!! How did it get there? How will you react? In fear and quickly flick it off or smash the spider on your leg? Or with patience and love, gently acknowledging it’s there, seeing it for what it is, and taking it outside for it to continue to live out its peaceful existence, just happy to be a spider. The latter sounds great, doesn’t it? However, from my personal experience, it seems like it takes a lot of time and practice to get to that point. So, I get to forgive myself again for smashing the spider, and I guess more spiders will keep coming until I learn how to love their presence! So, fear of committing to anything for a year, and writing about it every day – to the public, whether anyone is reading this or not – yep, I could feel that huge black spider crawling up my leg, inviting me to take it’s challenge, wondering if I could embrace and transform my perspective of this particular reality. Well, like I said earlier, I am exhausted! Exhausted from trying to fit a square into a triangle, it’s not working anymore!!!!!! Walking on, finding embrace in all that is challenging…