Day 10 ~ 10/10/10
The night before last, I fell asleep to beautiful music from a dear soul sister. I woke up with my heart hurting like I’ve been working on cracking it wide open all night, even in my sleep.
Last night Dakar came home and we had a really intense Yoni Gazing session. We gazed to soft music playing in the background. I had such strong physical sensations, tingling energy in my toes, all the way up my legs, throughout my body, arms, hands, neck and face. The pulsing of energy, creating hot spots and pressure points for me to recognize where the energy is freely flowing, and where I needed to clear. I closed my eyes and started to see the complex geometries that make up my physical form, watching the shapes change while playing in the light as the pulsing energy kept flowing throughout my body.
Dakar tenderly approached my first gate, placing his first two fingers on my yoni, and I drifted to an even deeper stillness, feeling my body receive a beautiful energetic light, like I was receiving a transmission. A bit of guilt arose thinking that I should be able to identify what was going on with myself. Sometimes I feel as if I skipped Meditation 101 and I have to ask someone else with more experience what is happening.
I also know that when energy is flowing, I don’t always have to know what is going on. I know the feeling that I get when I trust that something is right for me, and I know what it feels like when it’s not right for me (well, I’m still working on that one a bit too!)
We continued to listen to the beautiful music, lying close to each other, integrating the energy moving through, not knowing exactly what it was about, but trusting that it was healing in whatever dimension.
So many people believe 10/10/10 was a big day for shifting…and it was. But then again, every day is an opportunity for shifting. For me, part of this day involved completing the last scheduled events I had committed to for the year.
At one wedding, around 10:10 a.m., I took a few moments to soak up the sun, letting the rays wash over me and bless the day. Because it was at a hotel, I was decorating next to an open window, and I just happened to hear the undeniable sounds from a couple that were also enjoying the morning…!
The second wedding of the day (and my final for the year) brought major miscommunications. It was definitely an opportunity to react in a way that was not stressful, knowing everything would work itself out, even when others were really stressing out around me. I was able to see where I like to have control over a situation and how sometimes that is very helpful, and other places where I had to surrender and let be. And, of course, everything always works itself out!
We then went to dinner with a relative of Dakar’s. A huge piece of me didn’t want to go, for past experiences show me that I (we) don’t have much in common. At dinner it was a great time to really engage with my children, and practice selective silence. I am amazed though, and I bring it up because I probably do it too, about how some people really don’t listen. Like when I bluntly say I don’t watch T.V. so I don’t know what is going on during prime time, or I really don’t have any interest in discussing politics, then a 20 minute rant occurs (I can’t call it a conversation or even a discussion when only one party is talking). I find myself pondering, how much obligation do I have to sit here and try to be fake and engaging? If it was a “friend” and their tendency was to do the same thing, I would never agree to even going to meet with them. When it is family…I went because I felt like supporting Dakar, but neither one of us wanted to be there.
Our discussion afterward quickly turned to what is our obligation? It was our perceived obligation to make “nice” with this man because he’s family. But it also felt like a waste of time to sit there with a fake smile on my face. We could always decline the meeting, which is one option. Maybe another would be to only engage in conversation that has meaning for us, like “What do you want from life?” and if shallow discussion occurs, we could take it at face value and have some fun with it, or (among thousands of other options) we could take the conversation really deep, opening up a line of communication he never knew existed with us. That would make him really receptive, or really resistant. If it were the latter, we probably wouldn’t be invited out to dinner again – which would be ok!
So this night, while Yoni Gazing, I had spent a lot of energy during the day. Both Dakar and I were exhausted, but it makes it easier to stay committed to a practice if you have a partner. I am much more at ease with allowing him to gaze me then I experienced the first time!
I ended up drifting off to sleep, during that time Dakar felt like I was opening up, so he felt like he could take it another step, and I woke up to him kissing my yoni lips! Well, that was quite a surprise to me! I didn’t say a word and allowed whatever emotions to come up. I found myself quite quickly going to a place of anger and resentment. I really tried to soften and surrender into allowing him to continue, but I also saw myself with a frying pan ready to whack him upside the head! (If I really had one, he would have a really big headache when he regained consciousness!)
I started crying with frustration, pain and anger, that I felt like I was being violated without permission. We have done a lot of work in the past couple of weeks, and now it’s starting all over again. I could almost physically see the geometry of light that made up my resistance. WOW, that was interesting!!! I was making this resistance real as my thoughts were creating it! (Didn’t realize that until later, though.)
I ended up screaming and kicking him off of me, almost smashing his face. I turned over in bed crying, knowing I had the opportunity to talk with him, wanting to, to go deeper into the shadows of what had just happened. He (not knowing what was going on, he didn’t know I was dozing off, he thought I was opening up, and when I didn’t say anything, he felt like it was okay) felt like he needed to give me space to breath into and process what was going on.
As we were both really tired, we both ended up going to sleep without saying a word. Part of me feels like being tired is not an acceptable excuse when something needs to be discussed, many times it has been from the brinks of physical exhaustion that surrender and breakthroughs have occurred for me. But I did it anyway, I consciously felt myself choosing to participate in my old habits, and felt a layer, like a blanket being put back on.
Sometimes people tell me sleep can diffuse a situation, and the morning brings a new space in which to reflect. Maybe in some cases, but I’m not sure I totally believe this. Seems to me that a situation will fester and carry over to the morning, and if it still doesn’t get dealt with, then layers of suffering build until it is dealt with.
The next morning was a perfect example of that. I had dreams of suffering with Dakar. We were at a gas station and he went in and brought back an ice cream cone, then proceeded to eat it in front of me. I looked at him with vicious eyes. He knew what I was going to say and told me he knew I probably wouldn’t want one so he didn’t ask. I started to yell at him, upset that he didn’t even ask! Why wouldn’t he at least allow me the opportunity to say no? Oooh, I was so mad, then it happened again in the dream! ARGH!
I woke up still in quite a funk, we barely talked and I ignored him on purpose. I really wanted him to come to me and talk, but it wasn’t happening, and I mentioned that we needed to talk later. When he came home later, we did talk. We discussed what happened for him, and what happened for me, and how we could communicate better next time, even if it is difficult to do so. After all, we are still human! I love it so much more when I (we) are at peace with ourselves and one another.
The more I realize how much I love and respect Dakar, the more I find myself tearing up and feeling my aching heart – I love it when my heart hurts! It makes me feel like I AM alive!
I find many women telling me how lucky I am to be with a man like Dakar. I nod my head and say, “Yes, I am.” But it wasn’t always like this, and honestly, I feel like we’re just beginning our work together. There must be a space created for both people to feel like they can each be open with themselves, and with one another. There must be a desire to want to work in this way with your partner. I see so many women who say they want this, but their actions tell me a completely different story. If a woman does not create a space for a man to step into, then she will always be with a child, and vice versa, even though we are all ultimately responsible for our own growing up.
If an individual is not willing to be humble and look at their own actions, how can honest growth ever occur? What action will you take today, in each moment, to witness and accept your humility? To start chipping away at a barrier that has been holding you back form honest communication with yourself, or with another? Please, start taking these action steps, the world is waiting to see your true light, for you will be ultimately showing others how to do the same thing. How would you feel to live in a world that is always honest with each other? Reminds me of the movie “The Invention of Lying”. LOVE IT!
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