The Waters Within

 

Day 23 ~ 10/23/10

There’s nothing like doing a couple of chores on a rainy day with the reward being spending time in front of the fireplace and hanging with the family, listening and dancing to fun music. I am really enjoying being more present with my kids, making meals and cleaning up with them, just spending the time not ignoring them as people.

I don’t remember wanting to be this present with them when I was so completely distracted with work. All wrapped up in what I “needed to get done” everyday so I wasn’t so stressed out the next day. Wow. I really missed out on some time with my family. I am so grateful to be realizing this now, while they are 7 and 9 years and still want to be around their parents! I feel like I am blessed with a second chance everyday!

***On my knees, thank you, thank you, thank you.***

 My daughter today was really excited to be stacking firewood in preparation for winter with us. She said “When is the next time we get to do this?” I told her probably not until next fall. “Aw, phooey! I really want to do this again because this is my favorite job!”

Within the scope of any given day, all emotions have the opportunity to arise! I am finding myself in more compassionate communication during disagreements. Dakar and I are having some issues on out lack of unified commitment to do our work during a particular time frame. 

I did get upset for a moment, walking out of the room (I’m pretty sure a door slammed behind me), but then calmed down quickly, and was able to come back to having no judgment and no displacing blame in my conversation with Dakar about our commitment to each other and the work we are doing. We have both lived our lives so independently, that, in a way, we are just now starting to learn teamwork and co-creation with one other with conscious communication, not with silent, unexpressed expectations from each other. 

There really is no hiding from the truth. As both of us are becoming more sensitive with ourselves, it is easy to tune into our partner and pull out the truth. There’s no point in lying about anything, that just creates resistance to it that we will have to go back into again at another time.

So as a self proclaimed sleep addict, once again I find us starting our work in the wee hours of the morning. It was good to have our discussion and dissolve our resistance to our perceptions first though, then our yoni gazing work was able to be taken quickly to a deeper level. As Dakar was gazing me, focused on loving my beautiful yoni lips, I could feel how resistance would come up and in one second I had the choice to stay there in the pain of resistance, or surrender into the depths of receiving his love. This time I chose receiving his love, and gave back as much love through me as well. 

I laughed as another glimpse of creation surfaced, revealing its truth to me. The creation of resistance, the creation of drama, the creation of EVERYTHING is a creation from the mind and self. If I created it, then I can drop any pattern, any habit, anything that I have created in an instant. If I find that it is not dropping away, then I have the opportunity to dive in deeper and figure out why I can’t do so…and then choose to do something about it or not.

Our yoni gazing turns into pleasure for both Dakar and I, as I am finding that making love with him is solidifying my willpower to be done with my old ways of being. I am waking up to my path of true worthiness, and sometimes I feel that when we are engaged with one another, that we are giants, like Gods and Goddesses, making love in a divine, universal garden. I feel like at least a couple hundred feet tall…

Before we get to the physical act of love making, we are holding each other, caressing. It feels like in an instant Dakar’s focus of pleasuring me turns to himself and I have been forgotten. I realize then that I am in a place of “for getting”. My need for his focus and attention toward me points out that I am not in a place of “for giving”. There is nothing I “need” from another unless I am not whole within myself. I breathe into this realization and return into softness and clarity, unconditionally giving to Dakar.

I see within Dakar that there are two other women in his “womb” or hara space. Woah….womb…closing…must…acknowledge…work…through…hmmm…what…is…this? There is a blonde woman, standing in the bright light of Dakar’s hara, smiling at me, making sure I saw her. She was not malicious in any way, she just wanted me to recognize her so that she may be set free from whatever ties she has with Dakar. There was also another woman, brunette, not showing her face, hiding in the dark shadows within Dakar. She was grasping onto a piece of him, creating a dark matter within him with her need for something. Both women were not consciously invited into his space, but were open to being recognized and called out. When I told Dakar about these women, he mentioned that he felt like he also wanted a “womb healing”, sealing his womb like I experienced the other night. He didn’t tell me, but he did open up a space within himself to allow this healing to happen.

He hasn’t talked about his past girlfriends in years, and I feel absolutely no jealousy or judgment that their presence is here. After all, I have had to work through my past boyfriends showing up in my space, so why wouldn’t anyone else? I really just felt like a part of him has suppressed their connection with one another, and it was time to bring it up and heal this piece. Dakar agreed that there were two women in particular that he didn’t have a definite closure to their relationships with. I sat there in pure presence, allowing Dakar to express and talk about whatever came up for him, so that he may clear any attachments that are no longer necessary.

Of course, then, when he was clear, allowing these women out of his hara and cutting the KA cords of attachment that they shared, I felt like my womb could once again open up to him and make love to this divine man, sealing our connection, healing on a level deeper than our small minds could ever begin to understand. When he is clean, clear and focused, I feel like I am able to open up and receive more, therefore giving more back to him, and the cycles continue to go round and round, escalating themselves with every revolution. Once again, I feel so blessed to be with a partner who is willing to work through his fears and stuff, co-creating an amazing life with our family, not against each other.

Beautiful Beautiful Rain

Wash away the pain

Drenching the soil

Rocks underneath exposed

Ready to crack

Rushes of flowing water

Cleansing all in your path

Showing me the way

Raw naked power of truth

Generous waters of the dark and light rivers

Combining to lead the way with ruthless mercy

Leaving only broken hearts in your wake

Broken from the hardened armor once surrounding

Only the realness of a soft beating heart remains

Beautiful Beautiful Water

Embracing your gushing flow

I invite you

Into every space between

And through my cells

There is no avoidance

There is no around

There is only through

There is only truth

Come wash me clean for it is only the truth now that I desire

O Holy water

Blessed are you

Only in my creation

Do you exist

Only in my creation

I am humbly grateful
~ Gaiel