Day 13 ~ 10/13/10
Is there truly life without judgment? How do we have opinions or define ourselves as individuals? Are opinions judgments? If something is negative, bad or ugly, society generally calls this a judgment. If something is beautiful, good or positive, then duality suggests that these are also judgments. Who gets to define what is right or wrong anyway…there really is no such thing, unless you are expressing through your mind.
This came up for me again today. I was able to be a parent driver for my daughter’s field trip to Taylor Creek today. This is where the salmon from Lake Tahoe swim up the creek to spawn, beginning and ending their cycle of life.
I drove 4 children and one child opened his lunch box in front of me. My immediate, mind reaction was “Why does a 7 year old need 6 sugar cookies coated in frosting and sprinkles, a bag of Cheetos, and a juice pack in his lunch?” Ours is a pretty healthy town, but child obesity is still rampant! I watch some of these kids getting fatter and fatter, not exercising, and their participation in school and life dwindling, slowly killing them from an early age. Kids WILL eat “healthy” food it that’s what you give them!!! My kids have a salad or vegetables every day. If they don’t eat that, then they don’t get anything else. Guess what? After they went hungry a few times, they learned how to eat the vegetables!
But what makes me holier than thou? Maybe these kids are asking for this journey in order to experience their dharma. What makes me want to say, “My way is better for you!” Sure, there are the obvious signs, “healthy” eating is loving your temple, giving one the strength and energy to live the day with life and positive energy flowing, and “unhealthy” eating has led to millions of people walking around asleep, drowning in the ego/mind… Again, I have seen “healthy” eaters also sleepwalking, and “unhealthy” eaters very conscious about what they’re doing and who they are. I’m pretty sure this is all about my judgments on what is healthy or not…although eating as close to nature as possible, as opposed to a diet of consuming highly processed foods, feels more natural and right for me and my family.
There are thousands of books and an infinite amount of articles on nutrition, but one that sticks out for me is “Support the Mountain – Nutrition for Expanded Consciousness” by Mikio Sankey. He reminds us that as Fall approaches, so does the flu season. An interesting point brought up is that the flu season traditionally lasts from about Halloween through Easter…here in the U.S., that is the exact time when an abundant amount of candy and sugar treats are available and encouraged for eating and celebrations. Hmmmmm…coincidence?
Sugar is the gateway drug. The gateway to lethargy, illness, taking more drugs to heal the diseases that could have been avoided by less consumption of sugar in the first place…compounding chemical on top of chemical thinking this is the solution. So if I’m not to have judgment on food that is deemed healthy or unhealthy, but there seems to be a definite reaction, what is there? Acceptance of what is? Just doing what I believe is right for me? What about educating others about it if they’re ready to hear it?
For a scientific breakdown of what sugar and fructose actually does to the body, watch Sugar: The Bitter Truth
I know many people who have been working consciously with energy for a long time, and have not been sick in years. While I have gotten the occasional cold, I personally view this as an opportunity to see where my body is off balance, then I can take the steps necessary to change what is not right for me. I have only been to a “doctor” once for a checkup since giving birth to my daughter 7 1/2 years ago. I firmly believe in self healing, because it has worked for me! I have also treated myself to chiropractic care, frequently for a while when I was really unbalances, but very infrequently now that I am finding balance within, learning how to move the energy to heal myself.
As far as extreme judgments go, I have been holding one for 35 years, and just recently started doing something about it. I grew up with a mom who became an alcoholic. I was always living in fear, would she yell at us? Would we crash? I don’t want to get in the car while she’s drunk because the education system tells us not to…that is bad. When you’re not allowed to talk back to your parents though, you do what they tell you to do. Then the shame and guilt gets layered on from an early age, I’ve done something wrong. Kind of a catch 22. I’ve gotten in a car with a drunk person, so I’m bad. But if I didn’t, I would be yelled at. I guess it was my dharma to experience this so I could learn how to overcome it.
When I was 13, my mom had her last drink. She completely lost all control and I watched her pass out in the street, then had to help clean the vomit off of her. (It is not my intention to embarrass her at this point, but to just be honest with what the story was for me.) She knew she was at a life changing point, and she needed to change or leave the family. She chose to stop drinking, cold turkey, and has never drank alcohol since.
For me, I was told that alcoholism ran in the family. Of course, I did not want this to happen to me, so I decided on that day that drinking was bad for me and I would never drink, therefore I would never be an alcoholic. I never smoked, did drugs, or ate red meat. All these things I was programmed to understand were “bad” for my body and mind. For my choices I’ve been called a prude, a bitch, a goody-goody, a saint, a health freak, smart, and that’s just to my face! Who knows what else behind my back, but what you think of me is none of my business.
Aaah…but for a long time, it did matter what people said to me and about me. I wanted to follow the rules, to be good, to be smart and liked, to be a nice person. All of this and more, really kept me from finding out who I really was. The ultimate people pleaser! If you weren’t happy, then I’m not doing my job, and that makes me bad. Pile on more guilt, shame and unworthiness please! I can see this same thing in my son, and I still don’t have the “right” answer how to “save him”. All I can do is to allow him to have his journey, it’s what he’s calling for, and be there for him, encouraging him to talk about his feelings, or express himself in different ways to find himself. We’re working on meditation with the kids, art/drawing, rock climbing & physical exercise and setting up music lessons for him…he is a natural at the violin and guitar!
35 years of no alcohol – I was proud of this. I could tell you the 3 instances when I did have a sip (that I’m aware of – maybe mom has a different story).
1. Growing up, having a sip of mom’s almond champagne at a restaurant
2. After my ski pre-releasing and tumbling about 300 yards down the infamous “Rock Chute” in Mammoth Lakes, CA, a room mate thought I might like some Bailey’s in my hot chocolate (I did get the cool nickname of “Slider” after that though.)
3. My friend had some orange juice and I took a sip not knowing he had put Vodka in it.
That’s it. I was always the designated driver. I became defined by not drinking. I was cool because I could be anywhere and NOT cave into peer pressure, and I didn’t judge anyone else for drinking, only me. I could always trust myself to make it home safely. It just became a part of who I was to not have a drink, and I was okay with it. This point of my family losing control with alcohol also hit home when we found out my younger sister was drunk when she killed herself….so more of the “none for me, EVER please” was in my mind.
At our retreat last month, we were asked to write a list of our top 5 fears in life. Mine were:
1. Death
2. Personal consumption of alcohol
3. Power and respect
4. My parents judgment on me
5. Absolute freedom
When I shared with our teacher that alcohol was at the top of my list, I was clammy, contracted and scared shitless. In that moment, I realized that I felt like I would literally die if I had a drink of alcohol.
She said “Great, tonight we drink!” Aside from my first reaction of running away – “Ha ha ha, you’ll never catch me!” If I ever wanted to get over my fear, to really see what was behind this, I needed to walk through it. A huge part of me has been wanting to do this for a really long time. It felt like now was finally the right time and setting, with a group of teachers and Dakar, the love and support to help me through it.
The bottle of wine they brought to my table at lunch time sent me to tears! It was getting real now; a new game was being played. I had to go deep and figure out why I was so scared. Sure, all the stories helped to justify my excuses, to keep me scarred and being a victim to it (which I never thought I was), but I realized I had never once allowed myself to be so completely incapacited, to have ever lost all control. So it was brought to my attention that I was a “Control Freak”. Well, isn’t everyone to some extent? I really had to look at this, and yes, I admit that I am. It’s kept me alive to this point, and now, it’s time for DEATH! To experience dying in so many ways to all that I am not. Boy, these human stories sure are something else, huh?
Absolutely disgusting! How do people drink this stuff? It tastes like rancid cough syrup! Ugggh! And since I had never tried smoking either…
So I thought now that I’ve had two small glasses of wine, I never have to do it again, right? Did I just cave in to peer pressure after all this time? Or did I really just experience a taste of freedom and liberation? I don’t have to stay in judgment of alcohol, I can consciously choose to take action on my fears, and they will dissolve and transform themselves, leaving freedom to be in its wake, not fear and judgment.
What is your deepest fear, and what will you do about it? Me? I am having fun discovering my fears, because underneath one, lies another, and another and another…sometimes it’s a challenge walking through them, and sometimes it’s really exciting. Fear and Excitement release the same chemicals into your body, which one will you choose and how can you transform it so it doesn’t run your life?
In love and surrender,
Namaste
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