Day 16 ~ 10/16/10
“Hey Capitan, well, we missed the 1st gate, the 2nd gate seems to be welded shut, let’s have a drink and see if we can get into the 3rd gate!” Bad drinking joke…there is no way around, only through!
Saturday! Both kids ended up having playdates that turned into sleepovers, so Dakar and I found ourselves free tonight. It seemed a shame to waste the night, so we went to a really nice restaurant for dinner. Turns out half the food ended up being really gross…there was too much going on for our simple palettes. (Guess we don’t like over cooked green beans or ginger in our risotto, and I’m evidently not a fan of brown mole sauce with butternut squash.) Dakar ended up ordering me two drinks (a John Daly and Long Island Ice Tea) over the course of the night. I found them both to be equally disgusting! But the dessert was very nice – yum!
He wanted to see if I drank alcohol if I would be able to lighten up and lose control quicker into surrender when we did our gate work tonight. The alcohol served to make me very relaxed, and a bit sleepy. Funny though, I stayed awake the whole time we were working, I also wanted to see what would happen.
After a few minutes of Dakar holding my first gate, I noticed he was losing focus, starting to drift off into dreamland. I felt like this wasn’t important to him. For me, that = shut down…I really didn’t want to go there! I kept prodding him awake and he shifted from one hand to the next a few times. I became acutely aware of the difference I felt in which hand he was holding me with.
When his left, feminine hand was holding my yoni lips, I could feel and see softness, gentle waves of energy, glowing with rainbow light, moving slowly like a gentle breeze flowing through the trees. When he switched to has right, masculine hand, I felt the hardness, like he was gripping my yoni, hanging on to me tightly for some reason (where was I going?) I felt like a six pack of beer, an object to be held. He was unconsciously moving his hand, caressing my yoni like a play toy. My body instinctually responded by the puckering of my yoni lips, like she had just eaten a sour grape! I could feel the resistance and I felt threatened in a way I cannot explain, it was from such a deep, subconscious level. I was trying not to go into judgment, just being aware of what was going on.
I spoke up and told Dakar what I noticed about the feelings from the different hands, and asked him how he felt when I shared this. “HURT” he replied to my surprise. I felt like I was just sharing an experience and he felt like I was judging him for making me feel this way. I let him know that this was not a direct attack on him and not to take it as such, it was just what occurred for me. I reminded him that all he had to do was allow my emotions to come up and hold a space of gratitude and unconditional love. To which he reminded me that I was a control freak. Touché.
He thought I said it was easy for him to hold this space, that his “job” was easier than mine. Soooooo interesting, this communication thing! I didn’t say that at all, just as I misconstrue things that he says. It really is all about where (I) or anyone is coming from in the moment. It’s not always easy to focus on unconditional love, especially when you’re feeling resistance from your partner. This dance goes back and forth, precariously on a glass teeter-totter, waiting to see what or who crumbles first. Will it be you? Will it be me? Will it be the point of this pendulum underneath us, the ground beneath our feet that gives first? One misstep and the whole fragile thing comes crashing down around us. This is actually a wonderful thing! Especially when it’s resistance and mis-communication crumbling!
We both re-focused our giving and receiving each other with love, and what a difference! I could immediately feel the vastness of the space Dakar was in. I could see the universe, feeling embraced with an open heart as I floated around in exploration of this space. I felt like this was the safe place I was searching for in order to allow myself to be completely vulnerable and surrender into the flow of whatever wanted to happen in each moment. Aaaaahhhhh….. This is a place I could get used to!
Too soon, it felt like it was over, but from this place of an open heart, I was able to fully relate to Dakar how I was feeling, and listen to his experience. I had felt like there was an expectation that if I drank, (I have never been drunk before, read Day 13 ~ Judgmental ramblings from an ego mind… for more clarity on that story) I would loosen up faster, which would lead to sex faster. I felt like I was carrying this for all women, and from my perceptions, especially from women who go out to bars and parties, drinking and losing control, only to allow themselves to be taken advantage of, to try to fill a void they think can only be filled by a “man”, pretending to love them – or not even caring if they are being loved or not. Just trying to fill a big black hole.
Dakar, on the other hand, had a completely opposite reaction…he said he really had no expectations from me drinking, he just wanted to see what happened. (And maybe just a little bit of expediting the experience.)
I wonder what would have happened if we had discussed this first. I didn’t know what happened was an issue until it came up, but during our discussion we talked about how it might be beneficial to each other to reaffirm there are no expectations. That no unconscious lovemaking would be initiated without consent, that it is ok for me to lose control because he is there protecting me from external harm, even if he is the one pushing my internal buttons. *sigh* I don’t know. Now it feels like setting up a plan for next time is a huge form of control…whatever wants to come up and surface in the moment is always perfect. It gives us the opportunity to deal with the issue immediately.
All I do know (for now) is that the more we talk about what comes up for both of us, the more I know how deep he is going into himself, and the easier it is for me to trust him and go deeper within myself around him as well. Even though we are both pretty sensitive to feeling what is going on with each other, there is still a point where what we are each feeling comes from our own projections.
Trust is a huge part, and I realize this more and more each day. This is the work I am meant to be doing on my soul. It doesn’t look like anything I have ever daydreamed about before. I used to think that my soul purpose had some grand “I’m so famous” reality attached to it…but releasing myself from distractions, going internal, being humble in my work, just doing it for myself and family…this is okay…and this is my journey.
I must say though, I am deeply honored by those of you who have actually taken the time to read my story and journey. (Feels like it’s already been a year, but it’s only been a couple of weeks! WOW!) Your feedback through the internet and when I see you in town has really surprised me…it is so beautiful how deeply we are all connected. Those of you who have shared some of your pains with me as well – I feel for you and with support and by taking action to do your own work (however that may look), you and all of us can get through this (whatever “this” is) together. Working through the dark shadows of all the layers, this is the only way, there is no going around, unless you feel like staying stuck forever, and ever, and ever… I am you – I’ve just decided to take my game to a different level to see what happens.
As George Carlin so eloquently stated “They call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!” (Even if you’re not ‘American” – this also applies to this human dream…however it is supposed to look.)
Namaste
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