Into the Depths of the Womb Dragon

 

 

Day 5 ~ 10/05/10

Right after we left the retreat a couple of weeks ago, Dakar and I journeyed for 4 days. We were in our own bubble, said hi to a few people, but nothing could grab hold of us and penetrate. Our own little world! Coming home, there are tasks that still must be accomplished every day, like seeing the kids off to school and back, work related issues. The goal is to change life around to fit the real stuff (aka growing up, meditation practices, etc.) first, and let everything else that is not serving dissolve around you.

 However, it seems my bubble world has been poked open again, and the dense energy of life that once was wants to creep back in and settle upon me. During our Yoni Gazing this evening, I could feel the drone of this practice becoming a task to accomplish every day want to settle in. After what seemed like not very long, Dakar rose up and said, “Well, okay, I’m done.” For me, I was just getting started! I wanted to roll over and say it was fine, we could be done, but this deep urging to get over myself made me speak up and say that I was no where near being done.

He sighed, and reset his focus to really gaze my yoni. This time I could feel the heat and passion, radiating from him onto the lips of my yoni. I could also internally feel the pressure of my resistance meeting him there at the first gate, saying “Oh hello there. You’ve showed up at my gate and now want to come in hmmmmm? Well, I am here to keep you out. How do you like them apples?” So there was this physical pain that arose within me again, and recognizing the resistance I had to keep going deeper within myself.

I feel like my womb dragon is guarding a gateway/doorway that will expose me to my true self. Until I want it enough, she is keeping me from the secrets within. Of course, my imagination has been known to run a bit wild sometimes, maybe this is all my fabricated story that I’m making up to keep me in a comfortable, homeostatic place so I don’t have to venture all the way in to what is truly real.

Geez, do you know how painful and frustrating it is to really have to look at your stuff every single day? Well, I do. I keep looking and looking, wondering why some areas have gotten so smooth and I’ve really gotten past so many things, but other areas and deeper layers keep showing up. I constantly have to ask myself “What am I keeping out? What am I too afraid of to let in?” Sometimes the answer is “I want to stay in my nice little world, not having to go deeper. The inquisition into myself makes me afraid of the power it contains.” Sometimes I feel as though I have completely abused power in this life and in past lifetimes, and now I am paying for it by keeping myself from having any real power within me. I am really afraid to abuse it again, so I don’t give myself the opportunity to honestly obtain and harness it.

Then, I see these excuses, and they feel so lame. Then I have guilt. I walk around in this crazy whirlwind of emotions and only feel grounded when I take the time to breathe and meditate. Then it feels as if I can really sift through and let these emotions go, and forgive myself again.

After gazing this night, I am brought out of my resistance dance in pure shock. Dakar tells me that he is so grateful for the opportunity to be able to gaze at my yoni every day. It has been helping him to let go of all the distractions of the day and be able to focus on giving and receiving nothing but love. All of my walls come down in that instance and my respect floods the gate, wiping out any resistance that was just there. WOW. WOW. WOW…

I spent years not respecting him, then the day I took responsibility of my feelings toward him, understanding that it was my projection, is the day that my respect came full circle. I really got to see him for who he was, not who I had projected him to be. All the blaming stopped, and for the most part, the fighting stopped as well. Sure, we have our disagreements and view things differently. But if we were both the same, one of us would be unnecessary! (I mean, I must respect him, right? I tell him when I’m about to fart on his face so he has the opportunity to move…that’s got to be true love!!!)

I must’ve done something right to deserve the opportunity to come totally clean in this lifetime, and to have found a partner that is willing to take that journey together… Actually, we all have. Each and every one of us, including you, has the opportunity to come clean in this lifetime, with or without a partner as great as Dakar. The path has been accelerated into high speed, do you have the guts to jump on board in your own way? Or will you let this lifetime of opportunities pass you by? What are you doing today, in this moment, that is making a difference, that is changing your life? Join me in creating a world that is self responsible, it feels amazing!!! It can be hard work, but like any great workout one is left feeling grounded and refreshed, building muscle memory, I promise, it gets easier (and harder and easier and harder…)!